Conflicts with parents in adulthood, how to manage them?

During adolescence, disagreements and differences of opinion with parents are frequent. Now, what is expected is that this is a transitory stage and that the relationship improves in the future. However, the extension of conflicts with parents into adulthood can be a burden on personal well-being, telling us that there are wounds to heal.

These conflicts do not always manifest themselves in the same way. Sometimes they reveal themselves as outbursts of anger that lead to heated arguments. However, in other cases they can be buried under an uncomfortable silence, bad faces and, ultimately, a desire for the visit to end almost before it has started.

A bad relationship with parents is a complicated situation. Society teaches us that we have to be grateful to them, honor them, respect them and love them unconditionally.. However, when one has suffered systematic abuse or experienced serious deficiencies in parenting, it is difficult for these feelings to arise genuinely. What can we do then?

The causes of conflicts with parents in adulthood

The origins of this bad relationship can be diverse. Some parents are too intrusive, continue to want to control and direct their children’s lives and do not treat them like adults. Others They present narcissistic and manipulative traits and generate constant feelings of guilt, humiliation and discomfort.. It is also possible that it is an incompatibility of values, beliefs and lifestyles.

In any case, this tainted bond causes suffering, since The people we would most like to trust and lean on, from whom we most expect to receive love, are a source of conflict and discomfort..

If you feel identified with this situation, we propose some guidelines to address it.

Keys to managing conflicts with parents in adulthood

To manage conflicts with parents in adulthood, We have to focus on ourselves and not on them. Keep in mind what we can do to improve the situation instead of giving them that power.

1. Accept the situation

Accept how they are, what your childhood was like and what your relationship is like. Probably, you wish that everything had happened differently in the past and that now you could enjoy an intimate and pleasant bond.

However, Staying stuck in a desire that can no longer be fulfilled only generates frustration and disappointment constants. Accepting reality is the first step to being able to act on it.

2. Try to understand where your parents come from

Try to find out and understand what their life was like, their childhood and the style of upbringing they received. Based on what you know about them, try to understand why they think and behave in a certain way.

This does not mean that you justify their bad acts or attitudes, but it will help you not take them personally, to see your parents from another perspective and understand that they do and did what they can or could with the resources they have.

3. Check and heal your childhood wounds

When childhood wounds have not been identified and healed, they continue to govern us in the present. Analyze which ones you present and for what reason, and you will understand why you react the way you do.why some of your parents’ comments or behaviors hurt or bother you so much.

This way, you can be alert to your triggers, recognize them when they occur and avoid responding automatically.

4. Assume your role as an adult

To heal the wounds of childhood you have to assume your role as an adult, understand that you no longer depend on your parents to survive and stop looking for in them what they did not give you and still cannot give you.

Today, As an adult, it is your job to provide yourself with affection, support and understanding. You are no longer helpless or subordinate to them.

5. Set limits and communicate assertively

Finally, it is essential that you learn to set boundaries to guide the type of relationship you want to have with them. If you don’t want them to have an opinion on your life or direct it, don’t allow it. If you are humiliated or verbally attacked, put a clear stop to these situations.

Assertive communication is the key to achieving this, as it allows you express yourself firmly, but without losing control of your emotions. Explain what you won’t tolerate, how certain behaviors make you feel, and what you expect from the relationship. Remember to accompany your words with consistent actions, leave a place if you have to; Otherwise, your arguments and boundaries will seem like empty threats.

You will have to learn this communication style and get used to using it.. It has been observed that social skills are passed from parents to children, so your communication style is probably very similar to that of your parents (i.e., dysfunctional). So, be the one who takes the first step in the right direction.

Distance is also a legal option

Applying the previous steps will not make your parents change, of course, that is not in your hands. It will help you adopt a new perspective that will allow you relate to them in a different way, reduce some of the conflicts and deal with them in a better way those that come to passwhich does not guarantee that this is the case in all cases.

There are situations in which the bond is truly harmful and here the priority must be to protect one’s own integrity and mental health.

Don’t be afraid to reduce emotional closeness with your parents, see them less frequently, or even cut off the relationship altogether. If this is what you need to be well. Taking this step can be very complicated, so having professional support can be of great help.

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