Children of different fathers: how to act when financial reality is not the same

“My eldest son’s father wants him to study at an elite school and have VIP health insurance, but I can’t give the same to my youngest. Isn’t this disparity bad?” (Question submitted by reader)

It is not possible to say that the difference in treatment, opportunities and status between her two children will necessarily bring disharmony, but the situation is delicate. When realizing the sibling’s privileges, there is a risk of the youngest feeling inferior and developing self-esteem problems. The oldest, on the other hand, can either place themselves in a position of superiority or be embarrassed by their own perks and, to preserve the youngest, begin to despise their advantages – doing poorly in the elite school they attend, for example. If a climate of resentment sets in, the difficulties tend to get worse in adolescence, when conflicts are accentuated, fueled by the challenges of approaching adulthood.

The biggest mistake is wanting to compensate the youngest with a different treatment. Showing greater affection and interest in him would have worse effects than not having access to expensive toys. Look for ways to balance the situation. A good start is to talk to your ex-husband. Expose your fears and show how this difference can harm boys. The goal is to negotiate a compromise that minimally meets the expectations of both parties. It is important that the two children live according to the financial reality of the family that has custody, regardless of the privileged situation of one of the parents.

If your ex-husband insists on a prestigious school and a good medical plan for his son, ask him to delegate the management of other expenses to you. Thus, it is possible to establish a more uniform pattern for the expenses of the boys, remembering that needs vary with age and also with the environment – ​​it is not possible to ignore, for example, that the eldest may feel pressured by the school group to having an iPad or the fashionable backpack. Even more so if the father decides to pay for all these wishes. It’s up to you to prune excesses, like changing cell phone models all the time.

Balancing the allowance of both is another measure that helps to create a common denominator. The fact of not having unlimited amounts in your hands teaches you not to spend on impulse, save to get what you want and value people for their attitudes, not for what they have. These are values ​​that contribute to creating a family context that is more adjusted and less vulnerable to status pressures. Also show that the differences in their lives (which, make no mistake, will continue to exist) are the result of circumstances, not your choice. Therefore, comparisons are not welcome, although they have in common a mother who loves them equally.

Source: Ana Gabriela Andriani, family and couples psychotherapist, PhD in psychology from the State University of Campinas.