Childhood love and mature love: from need to recognition

Childish love and mature love. We have all, in some way, made (or should make) that journey of emotional maturation that goes from one dimension to another. It is a necessary transition that emerges as a result of learning, self-awareness and responsibility. However, such psychological craftsmanship is not easy and there are many who remain in the realm of need and the trap of attachment.

Erich Fromm was the first to tell us about these relational categories. In his already famous work The art of Loving He taught us, among other things, that Nothing can be as harmful as loving without knowing how to love or understanding the bases of this exceptional craft. Hence many walk around the world drawing ties that hurt, opening wounds and causing heartbreak that takes time to heal.

Those who are clearly defined by a childish love still do not understand the origin of their failures. Because to build a healthy, mature and conscious bond requires courageous personal responsibility. But those who understand love as a necessity and as a strategy to fill the voids project guilt onto the other because «no one knows how to love them as they deserve».

We analyze it.

Childhood love and mature love, how are they different?

Although love is a feeling that we can all experience, in reality, it is not a dimension suitable for everyone. Why do we say this? Because we are facing one of the most powerful and beautiful realities that we can experience, but misusing it destroys and annihilates. Also because outdated and wrong ideas continue to be diluted in this reality, such as continuing to validate romantic love in the 21st century.

It’s more, Many accumulate failed relationships because they still do not understand that to love you have to love yourself first. Also because it requires large doses of humility, courage and know-how. However, the brain almost instantly takes us towards that neurochemical drift where we become dominated by attraction, passion and the longing desire to be with the other.

Hence there is not always time to become aware of the rules of good love. The one that doesn’t hurt, the one where no one ends up being a victim nor an emotional sniper. Let’s know the differences between childish love and mature love.

Childhood love: the affection born of need

The main problem that people characterized by childish love have is that they never manage to be loved the way they want.. They live feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. Theirs is a story of continuous failures in which they are disappointed because no one manages to recognize them or understand them, let alone fill their gaps and shortcomings.

The same mantra almost always lives in his mind: “No one loves me the way I hope they love me.” However, At no time do they stop to think that maybe “I don’t even love myself the way I should.”Childhood love and mature love differ in one key aspect: the first starts from need. They need to be loved and validated by their partner to have a presence in the world. Their self-esteem and self-concept are nourished by this external reinforcement and if this is missing, everything is missing. The person with this profile adores the other person in an excessive way and will do everything for the other. In that way of loving there are no limits or rules, it is giving everything in exchange for nothing, It is a desperate wanting that does not let the other person be, because it wants it and expects everything from them. This emotional blindness forces them to live for and by the other person. They are like possessive children who can burst into a fit of jealousy., who have tantrums because they are overcome with fear of not being loved, of being betrayed at some point. On the other hand, it is important to point out that childhood love is the white mark of romantic love. Both are looking for that better half who, like a story character, comes as salvation from all problems to become the soul mate. A bias that brings serious failures, errors and heartbreak…

Mature love: the desire that starts from self-realization

Between childhood love and mature love there is a personal journey. It is a transition that we must all go through to acquire new skills in this matter. It is going from lack to plenitude. From the feeling of lack to satisfaction. Because those who love maturely do not need to find love to feel fulfilled; one already perceives oneself as fulfilled.

Nor does it seek and long for anything because everything that childish love expects, the mature person already has and offers to themselves: recognition, security, self-esteem… Thus, When it comes to establishing an emotional relationship, it is done out of desire and never out of necessity. Because their objective in the adventure of love is to find someone with whom to share a journey, being two free and fulfilled people who choose each other to build the same project in happiness, in complicity…

Childhood love and mature love, how to go from one to the other?

Nobody goes from one to the other automatically and just because of their birthday. Emotional maturity does not come with age, nor with the damage suffered.. What’s more, there are those who go from disappointment to disappointment without becoming aware that their filter in love comes from immaturity, from childish love.

So how can we develop the foundations of a mature, conscious and satisfying love? These would be some keys to reflect on.

Work on the qualities you expect from the ideal partner. If you want someone loving, be loving to yourself. If you are looking for someone fun, intelligent, affectionate and self-confident, become that same person. Stop needing and become what you long for others to offer you.Be the person you would like to have by your side.Strengthen your self-esteem. As Erich Fromm said, childhood love tells itself that: “I love because they love me.” However, mature love understands the following: “They love me because I know how to love, they love me because I love myself.”

That’s the key, Self-love, self-esteem, stopping being afraid of being alone make up those pillars on which healthy relationships are sustained. The emotional bonds that last and make love a journey of growth and discovery leave needs, fears and emptiness aside to create a refuge where pain never has a place…

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