Calimero syndrome: complaining as a way of being and relating

We all know those people who don’t express complaints, but live in them. Nothing seems right to them and everything bothers them. Surely after reading these lines you have someone in mind.

The psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella talks about it in his book Calimero syndrome. In it he refers to those grumpy chicks with the broken shell on their heads and although he uses a comical wink in his explanations, its content is beyond all ridicule.

For the author, the substance of all complaints is framed within a context. A very sensitive socioeconomic situation combined with a very hard life story. That is the trigger for complaints. In fact, he claims that Behind them there is usually real suffering, an unattended emotional claim. repeatedly.

Now, although this is usually the reason, many people can be particularly irritating to their loved ones. His tendency to see everything black shows an irreducible pessimism.

However, you are also those others in which their complaints are framed within a constant need for attention which can be difficult to handle.

Calimero syndrome

Calimero syndrome is a contemporary phenomenon in a society on the verge of implosion. According to Tomasella, “The injustices are increasingly evident. There is a parallel to be made with the world preceding the Revolution of 1789“.

The privileges granted to some and the abuses are legion. Thus, these rigidities in society make many people feel injustice and a need to complain.

Complaints that hide something worse

Most of the time, Those who complain a lot have experienced real injustices and fear being victimized again. For example, some “calimeros” may have suffered deep shame, humiliation, rejection and abandonment.

A serious trauma in the genealogy (inheritance problems, ruin, exile, economic migrations) can also mark a child, who will find himself in the position of spokesperson and will complain significantly instead of his family. Therefore, the complaints expressed often cover much deeper issues than we think.

Yes indeed, Instead of talking about a very intimate concern, the complaint is oriented towards superficial issues like the train being late or the coffee being too hot. In this way, a hidden expression of pain or shame is related to something benign and everyday that can be expressed freely and publicly without social or emotional consequences.

However, they are still complaints that, repeated over and over again, strain the patience of others.

When complaining becomes a way of being and relating

If the complaint is specific, it is usually positive because it attracts attention. It can be a way to change a situation when there is a problem at work, in a relationship, or in the family. However, there are people who repeatedly feel sorry for their fate.

One becomes a “calimero” when one turns complaints into a monologue and a general outline. to relate to others.

In most of these people, There is a need to be heard so that they recognize their suffering. In others, there is a form of laziness that consists of letting the situation fester and continuing to complain. And finally there is a minority that simply seeks attention.

Better not to make fun of his complaint

A child, a teenager or even an adult who has not been heard when they have suffered an injustice will surely initiate a process of repeating their complaint. What happens is that When pain and complaint are mocked, a new injustice occurs.

Complaints such as exhaustion and calls for help

There are those who complain all the time about being the star and find themselves in constant theatricalization. It is a way of dominating others and the situation. These could also be called “calimeros”, but in reality their shell is not broken. Therefore, we must be smart to detect them.

Nevertheless, In most of those who complain a lot, there is something that is truly broken and destroyed.. They also don’t know how to move forward or how to rebuild themselves. For this reason, we have to be patient with them because they are not really trying to harm us, even though they can tire us out.

This attitude often stems from a childhood injury that was not perceived by the family. Basically, These people do not say “take care of me”, but rather “listen to me”. Caught up in their complaints, they need to be heard, to show how much they are suffering.

Calimero syndrome: there is a solution for complaints for help

Empathy is necessary because many have experienced real and objective injustice. So, If the other person feels respected and heard, they will be able to move forward.

For those who do not want to explore their past and immerse themselves in their family history, you can start by doing meditation or regular physical activity, which will help reduce tension. Thus, little by little, you can prepare yourself for therapeutic work.

Transforming complaints into an emotional expression is possible, as well as changing the contingencies that reinforce them and do not allow them to advance. Therefore, you have to listen to the story behind the complaint, dig deeper and go further.

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