Benching: manipulating someone to keep them interested in you

With the development of social networks, emotional relationships have begun to experience some variations. Crushes are measured by Instagram hearts; and a “like” on Facebook from the right person can make our day. Terms like “Ghosting” or “Benching” have become established in popular vocabulary, giving names to more than cowardly practices.

In this society marked by addiction to technology, it is not surprising that many romances begin online. After several conversations on WhatsApp, The logical thing is to meet for a coffee or a beer, thus inaugurating the beginning of a love story. (or heartbreak).

But what seems so easy on some occasions often ends up becoming complicated. Maybe after a couple of dates the other person is no longer interested and doesn’t know how to say it. Sometimes, shame and selfishness cause the practice of “ghosting”: disappearing without explanation.

In this way, the other discovers that the person he is dating no longer answers his messages or calls. He has deleted or blocked it from social networks without giving any reason. Dismay, anger and distrust take over the affected person, who does not understand what is happening.

What is Benching?

Like ghosting, the practice of Benching is a way to escape from a relationship without confronting the other person. The main difference with the first is that the person who uses Benching wants to continue maintaining contact with their ex in order to use it.

The term comes from the English expression “to bench” (to leave someone on the bench). Its function is basic: it aims to maintain the interest of a person with whom we do not want anything serious, but from whom we seek to take advantage. Whether because there is a main figure that we really like or because we don’t want tiesbenching is increasingly a technique used more socially.

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Living in eternal uncertainty can be pleasant at first. Not knowing what’s going to happen or if the other person is really interested is exciting, but it gives the relationship a purely platonic interest. Although in many cases it also causes discomfort and suffering in the person who is waiting. One-sided hedonism usually doesn’t end very well.

“If loving you means putting aside my self-love, my bond with you is toxic: I am not interested”

-Walter Riso-

How can you know if you are being Benched?

It takes days to answer you

It is true that when we like someone, sometimes it takes us a while to respond. We don’t want to break the magic or for the other person to think we are too accessible.. So, it is normal to take a while to respond to a message sent by someone special.

What is not so common is taking days or weeks. If the person you are dating behaves this way, be alert. If he really liked you, he wouldn’t let so much time pass – unless something really happened – because he would be afraid of losing your interest.

He continually flatters you, but then ignores you

It is common that he will not stop complimenting you physically and emotionally. It tells you that you are special, unique, attractive and different. He raises your self-esteem, but he does it to increase his own. He wants you to need him and that you can’t live without him.

In turn, he ignores you whenever he feels like it. It creates a feeling of confusion and ambiguity to get lost. At this point a certain degree of dependence on the other usually arises.

When faced with uncomfortable questions, he answers you ambiguously.

You may have tried to ask him several times what kind of direction your things are going to take, but he is unable to have a conversation about it. and avoids any related topic. He insists on flattering you, but not on being honest about what he feels.

Read Also: “The Prince and the Swallow”, a story about attachment in a couple

Their only intention is to keep you waiting, in case a better plan doesn’t come up. He doesn’t care how you may feel or the harm he may do to you, his main concern is your well-being. He is so afraid of being alone and that there is no one to inflate his ego that he is not able to see beyond it.

Those who practice benching try to secure someone on the bench because of their fear of being alone.

Loving yourself protects you from benching

In any relationship it is necessary to establish parameters between which we determine what we are willing to do. If your relationship from the beginning has been clear and honest, you may be taking the wrong term.

There are couples who from the beginning decide that they can be with other people. In the long term, some find that this type of agreement does not benefit them, since it causes them more pain than benefits. Yes that’s how it is, You are not suffering from benching, but from a lack of communication with the other.. Accepting a type of relationship that you are not comfortable with is not someone else’s problem, but yours.

If, on the other hand, you feel that they are deceiving you or that they are hiding information from you, do not hesitate to stand up. You must love yourself enough to know that It is better to be alone than in bad company.