Avoidant attachment, origin of emotional disconnection

In a previous article, we already talked about Attachment Theory and the different types of attachment that babies develop according to the quality of care and attention received from their mother or their main attachment figures. In that text we saw what attitudes favor a secure attachment and what benefits they bring to the self-esteem and emotional health of children and adults.

Unfortunately, not all babies are lucky enough to have mothers who are loving and attentive to their needs. Mary Ainsworth, thanks to her observation tool of mothers’ interactions with her babies known as the “Strange Situation”, found that almost a quarter of mothers did not consistently and continuously attend to the needs of their babies. This group of mothers in Ainsworth’s study were distant and insensitive to their children’s demands.

Avoidant Attachment: Repressed Needs

Babies with this type of mother showed little interest in her throughout the observation process. Even when the mother left the room, they did not show obvious signs of anxiety. Nor did they show any kind of emotion when her mother returned to the room.

Indeed, those children were indifferent to the presence of their mother. However, it was found that her heart rate was high, which suggests that they were not having a good time in this situation and that what was really happening is that these babies were inhibiting their physical manifestations to avoid showing their feelings.

The little ones did not seem affected, but as they say, the procession goes inside. Those babies did not externalize their anxiety, but kept it repressed inside and this inhibition, as we will see later, supposes the origin of the development of very harmful behavior patterns for emotional health.

repression process

Ainsworth deduced that these babies, seeing that their demands were not met by their caregivers, they had learned to repress the expression of their needs. The baby, within its limited resources, always looks for a way to protect itself. In this case, feeling neglected, their strategy focused on stopping seeking help to withdraw into themselves.

At the same time, as many of them appear (paradoxically) to be very sociable and appear to be easily related to strangers, A false image of independence is created around them.

However, in reality, all the relationships they have in their lives are very superficial. These children avoid all kinds of emotional contact, they do not feel comfortable in intimate relationships with other people.

Avoidant attachment in adults

In consultation, already with adults, I often hear phrases such as “why open up to others, if nobody pays attention to me” or “if I trust others, I know that sooner or later they are going to abandon me”. These people, self-sufficient (in appearance), by avoiding becoming excessively attached to their partners, tend to only maintain sporadic and shallow relationships.

This apparent independence, what it really shows is the shell that they created in their childhood as protection due to the neglect they suffered from their caregivers. As a consequence of their previous experiences of abandonment, these people feel that they are going to be rejected again and they protect themselves under that false image of rational, impassive and self-sufficient adults.

In the long run, the most devastating sequel to a lifetime of hiding emotions is the disconnection from yourself. These people are unable to listen to their own needs. They have a hard time putting words to their feelings and emotions.

A girl told me in consultation: “I only know how to tell if I’m good or bad, but I can’t specify more. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m angry or sad. It is impossible for me to define what I feel.

repetition of clichés

All these negative effects of avoidant attachment are much more evident when we raise our own children. If in our childhood they did not meet our needs, today, we don’t know how to properly care for our own babies.

If as children, we did not learn and assimilate a healthy model of secure attachment, as adults, we present immense difficulties to adequately take care of all the needs of our little ones.

Alba’s case

This was the case of Alba, a girl who came to the clinic because she felt unable to care for her newborn baby. It’s not that she didn’t know how to feed him or change her diapers, but that she felt unbearable anxiety when the baby cried for her attention.

In the moments of greatest tension, as he told me, he was always afraid of losing control completely. Alba was scared, and faced with this new situation (of lack of control) for her, he sought help to understand what was happening to him.

The young woman told me that her mother, an important businesswoman, went back to work two weeks after having her. Her father, a co-owner of her mother’s business, never took a day off when she was born. Every morning, before Alba woke up, her parents left for work. and she stayed in the care of a relative or, when no one from the family was available, someone they hired sporadically.

Alba’s parents came home at dinner time, so they only spent a few minutes with her a day. In addition, in those few moments that the girl shared with her parents, she always felt that her mind was somewhere else, not with her.

Taking refuge in herself, in order to survive, Alba became tough, struggled to study and achieved a successful professional career like her parents. Over time, her first baby arrived and the closeness with her girl caused the young mother to jump back in the time.

By feeling your baby, living the same situations and going through similar circumstances, Alba reconnected with the anxiety and fears she felt when she was little and no one cared for her.

However, what at first seemed like a problem, was finally the path to healing of Alba. The anxiety she felt when her daughter cried for her helped her connect with the anxiety she felt as a baby when she felt alone and neglected.

Understanding the terrible helplessness she suffered as a child, helped her connect with her baby’s emotions when he claimed her incessantly at night. In reality, her suffering, her emotions, had not disappeared with time, they were simply hidden waiting for her to rescue them.

With his therapeutic work, finally Alba was able to cry and heal her past, and thus, recover the connection with your baby. He no longer saw her daughter as an enemy, but as what she really was, a baby who needed her care.

Conclusion: reversing the chain

Avoidant attachment can be posited as an infinite chain of discomfort and emotional imbalance transmitted from generation to generation. These neglected babies, in turn, become mothers and fathers who do not know how to care for their own children and, if not stopped, the cycle begins again and again.

But examples like Alba’s show us that the links of this chain can be broken. Your daughter will pass along to securely attached babies who grow up with high self-esteem and, as an adult, will raise their own babies in a more loving way.