Assertiveness: the importance of knowing how to say “no”

Saying “no” assertively allows people to defend their wants, needs and rights without belittling others. Additionally, it is the means through which healthy boundaries are established.

In a world where relationships play a central role, communicating assertively is an essential tool for having healthy ties and a good coexistence. In this article we will delve into assertiveness and describe a series of strategies to say “no” effectively.

What is assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability of a human being to relate and communicate with other people, respecting the rights of oneself and others. Which, among other aspects, implies knowing how to say “no.”

In this sense, it is worth mentioning that it is necessary to learn to establish limits to have control of one’s own life. This also helps not to give in to manipulations and emotional blackmail. Thus, the more assertiveness one demonstrates, the greater the self-confidence one will develop.

But what is an assertive person like? He is someone who knows how to express his desires in a kind, direct, honest and polite way. It’s about knowing how to find a balance between two extremes that are equally bad.:

passivity and submissionaggressiveness and imposition

To be assertive, you must learn to determine when to refuse and in what situations to say yes and accept the request of others. so that one knows defend one’s own rights, without hurting, offending or harming anyone.

What are people with low assertiveness like?

People who are not assertive have a series of traits in common that are identifiableamong which are:

They are susceptible to manipulation. They distance themselves from any type of controversy. They want to please and go so far as to sacrifice their own desires and needs. They believe that in order to be accepted they cannot refuse anything. They behave motivated by the fear of rejection and the lack of affirmation in one’s own ideas.

Now, on the other hand, we find that there is another type of profile in people with little assertiveness and we can understand it as the opposite of a passive character. Some of its features are the following:

They can be hostile, aggressive. They do not listen well. They can act defensively when faced with constructive criticism or comments. They are not good negotiators. They can sometimes be arrogant, rude and insulting.

People with these types of profiles need to change their way of thinking and acting, otherwise, they will experience great personal dissatisfaction, sacrificing their own vital well-being.

The importance of saying “no”

One of the keys to assertiveness is knowing how to say “no.” This, at first, can be very complicated. One may have been raised to please and please others and feel guilty when refusing to do something in a given situation.

To learn to say “no”, it is important to know yourself and be clear about your scale of values. and what are the foundations on which one bases to select those things that one wants or does not want to do.

This is essential for make decisions in a reasoned manner and based on one’s own convictions. Likewise, it is essential to avoid hasty and impulsive behaviors that one may regret. Let’s look at other reasons why it is important to say “no”:

Prevents manipulation: By not knowing how to say “no”, other people can take advantage of it to obtain advantages and benefits at the expense of the other’s lack of assertiveness.Improves self-esteem: Saying “no” increases security and self-confidence.Avoid regret: The “no” prevents regret and guilt for having done something you did not want to do.Promotes the use of healthy limits: Refusing demarcates a boundary between what is desired and permitted to do and what is not. The “no” reaffirms the values ​​of the person who says it and enhances their life.

If “no” is so important, why do some find it difficult to say it? Among the most notable reasons we find:

Social pressure to be accommodating. Fear of rejection or judgment. Lack of self-esteem or confidence. Desire to avoid conflict. Feeling of obligation or duty. Fear of losing opportunities. Worry about damaging relationships. Lack of assertiveness. Insecurity about one’s own needs and desires. Cultural or family beliefs about courtesy and respect.

Ways to say “no”

Refusing to do a favor or comply with a request is not easy for some people. However, this can be made easier by saying “no” in a way that is more comfortable for you and that fits your personality. To do this, there are several ways to respond with a denial.

1. The direct “no”

This “no” is also known as elemental because it is the most basic way of refusing to do something.. It consists of simply saying “no”, without beating around the bush or apologizing. Sometimes it may seem a little aggressive, but it all depends on the way it is said.

Example

“Will you come with me to Juan’s party tonight?”

– I do not feel like going out.

2. The empathic “no”

The empathic assertiveness of this type of “no” is used when you do not want to make the other person feel bad, but you do not want to leave aside your own desire. For it, The request of another is acknowledged and their emotions and arguments are validated.

Example

―I am very late with the final delivery of the project. Could you help me finish it?

“I notice that you are very short of time and that you are overwhelmed by that, but I can’t help you because I have a lot of work accumulated.

To apply this “no” you can also use the Sandwich technique, which consists of putting the “no” between two positive comments. For example:

―Juan, Andrés and I are going out dancing at night. Come with us.

“I always have a lot of fun with you. But tonight I want to rest. I’m sure they’ll have fun without me; you guys know how to have a good time.

3. The reasoned “no”

In this way of responding, A brief explanation is offered as to why you are saying “no.” The goal is to gain some understanding from the other person.

Example

“Let’s go to a bar and have some fun.”

“I can’t because I have to finish a report that I have to deliver tomorrow.

4. The “no” with an option for the future

Sometimes people have to say “no” when they really want to say yes, but for external reasons they cannot do so. In these cases, It is advisable to refuse and leave the possibility open.

Example

“Do you want to go to dinner with my family tomorrow?”

“I would love to! But I can’t tomorrow because I already have another commitment.” Can we schedule dinner for the day after tomorrow or for another day?

5. The investigative “no”

This “no” is partial, it is not a total denial. It is used when the entire request or request cannot be fulfilled, but a more affordable part of it can be fulfilled. The person should ask if it is possible to help in another way.

Examples

―Help me clean the whole house, please.

“I don’t have time to help you clean the whole house, but can I help you organize the mess in the kitchen?”

Another example:

―Help me build the theoretical framework of my thesis.

―I understand the importance of the theoretical framework in your thesis and I am flattered that you consider that I can contribute. However, I don’t have time to take on the entire task. Is there any more specific or less demanding aspect I could offer my help with?

6. The postponed “no”

It consists of not giving an immediate response. It is a very useful reaction when the situation exceeds the coping resources, when the person has many doubts or when the request has been surprising and, in addition to that, is very demanding.

Example

―I can’t come to work tomorrow for family reasons. Could you cover my shift please?

“I can’t give you an answer right now. Let me check if I have other commitments and I’ll let you know in a few hours.

Assertive techniques to say “no” to insistence

There are those who do not give up when they hear “no”, and they insist until they are tired. What can be done in these cases? There are several assertive techniques that can be used. Let’s look at some of them.

1. Scratched record technique

This technique for saying “no” consists of repeat the denial and remain firm in the position assumed despite the other person’s insistence. It must be applied calmly and with great respect.

Example

Let’s see the following dialogue that Olga Castanyer presents in her book Assertiveness at Work :

—You should talk to Luis first so he can tell you exactly how you should approach this document.
—I prefer to start doing it on my own. .
—But he can give you a lot of information.
—I have enough information, I’m going to start doing it alone. .
—But what work does it cost you? You know that Luis has no problem speaking
with you.
—I know, but I’m going to do it without your help. .
—You’ll see, but you can screw up.
—Maybe, but I prefer to make mistakes on my own. .

2. Technique to process the change

This strategy is based on shifting attention to the situation. The purpose is to show the other the conversation and your insistence even though you have already been told “no” several times.

Example

—Cheer up, don’t be so boring, let’s go to the party.

—You’ve been insisting for a while. I already told you I don’t want to go, and I won’t change my mind.

3. Fog bank technique

This technique is also known as the “simulated claudication technique.”. It is used to handle situations or criticism without getting into arguments. It is about partially agreeing with the other person, but at the same time refusing to agree to what they ask for..

Example

Let’s look at another illustrative dialogue taken from Assertiveness at Work:

—You use too many adjectives in this article, you should delete some because it is very dense.
—Yes, maybe you’re right.
—This sentence, for example, I would word it differently.
—Yes, of course, it can be written in many ways.
—It would be clearer.
—Maybe, but I like it that way.
—Read it again and you’ll see.
—I think I’m going to leave it at that.

4. Ignore technique

As the name implies, It’s about ignoring the other person when they have become too insistent. As in all techniques, it is advisable to use a friendly and calm tone of voice to avoid making the other person feel bad.

—Help me write that report, please.

—As I already told you, I can’t help you with the report. It seems like this topic is causing tension, so maybe it’s best not to talk about it again.

To apply it, you can also explicitly express your intention to ignore the conversation, for example: “From now on, if you continue insisting on the same thing, I will not respond to you. You already know my answer, so there is no need for me to repeat it over and over again.

It is advisable Do not resort to this technique as a first option, as it could be perceived as impolite or rude. Its most effective use occurs when other strategies, such as the scratched record technique, have been…