Affective relationships with insecure people, what are they like?

Emotional relationships with insecure people can leave a bitter, even painful residue.. They are those profiles that live with constant doubt and low self-esteem that eats away at them. They do not believe that “I love you”, words are not enough for them because what they prefer and need are proofs of love and, above all, sacrifices.

When fear rules our entire personal universe, everything goes adrift. We may not notice it today, we may not notice it tomorrow, but insecurity shapes great emotional snipers.

It defines people who entrench themselves behind their shadows, their doubts and distrust, looking at the world from the sidelines. They don’t expose themselves, they don’t take risks. but they in turn expect others, in some way, to adjust to their perspectives and vital needs.

On the other hand, we know that Each of us also presents certain insecurities. It’s something normal. We all have corners to polish, loose ends to adjust, pieces to fit together to be a little more solvent in our daily lives. However, in emotional matters, insecurity can be tremendously dangerous.

Feeling, thinking and acting through the channel of fear, lack of certainty and low self-esteem It can lead us to create really harmful links; also to experience certain psychological disorders depending on the personal characteristics of each one.

Affective relationships with insecure people: origin and characteristics

The Israeli writer Jonathan Safran Foer said in his novel So Strong, So Close That “I am so afraid of losing what I love that I refuse to love anything.”. At first, the statement may seem shared and accurate. It will always be better not to love than to subject the other to the constant rule of fear and fear of loss.

However, the ideal and necessary thing is not to veto our feelings, not to deny ourselves love and to work on that broken fabric frayed by fears. However, What are emotional relationships with insecure people like? There are always interindividual differences. Leaving them aside, and assuming the error that arises from this, we can say that the following characteristics occur frequently.

Look at me better than I see myself

The insecure person does not look for their partner to be their mirror. He needs something more, something more Machiavellian, complex and exhausting. The loved one has the obligation to be that focus that enhances and enhances the virtues of the insecure person.. It is your emotional sustenance and you must nourish it daily with positive reinforcement, images, words and gestures that can validate the other as they need.

This exercise may occur for the first few months, perhaps even for a few years.. However, such a task becomes exhausting. Above all, because whoever strives to illuminate, magnify and brighten the shadows of others, in the end, they themselves are relegated to indifference and emotional exhaustion.

The insecure who becomes a victim and the insecure who becomes a tyrant

In emotional relationships with insecure people, two realities can also occur. The insecure person usually uses two tactics to control their partner.

The first is to victimize yourself. Make the other understand that they are not doing enough, that they are failing them. They will make us believe that we are selfish, they will distort any fact, word or nuance to blame us for their unhappiness, their discomfort. On the other hand, those who suffer from a clear feeling of inferiority can make use of a very classic strategy: strive to achieve superiority. This phenomenon was studied in his day by Alfred Adler. As this well-known social psychologist explained to us, the person suffers a clear division between the self real (i.e. weak) and the ideal (i.e. the superior). For this reason, he will not hesitate to try to make himself bigger and to do so, there is nothing better than trying to “smallen” his partner. By subduing her, undervaluing her or despising her achievements and virtues, the insecure person gains power and strength.

The origin of emotional insecurity

Studies such as the one carried out by Jeffry A Simpson, from the University of Minnesota, United States, tell us that The origin of emotional insecurity is in the attachment style with which we were raised. This is undoubtedly a very recurrent theory that tells us about the consequences that an upbringing based on rejection, neglect and those basic and emotional needs that are not attended to and neglected can have on our personality.

This type of attachment ends up contaminated by fear, hence in adulthood that insecurity appears, that constant need to feel the validation that one lacked in childhood. Loving someone with anxious-avoidant tendencies often condemns us to the need to show the other constant signs of affection. Something that, without a doubt, is exhausting.

The problem is that Insecure people never have enough, they will always carry doubts and fears that will condemn them to constant unhappiness.

Doing therapy is the best strategy to work on our insecurities and improve the quality of life and emotional relationships.

What to do when insecurity is present in our relationship?

Emotional relationships with insecure people are not easy. We may be going through it right now. It is even possible that we ourselves are that insecure person.plagued by fear, with constant doubt and the permanent feeling that we are going to be abandoned.

Daniel J. Siegel, doctor of Harvard University, points out that a relationship is making a fruit salad, but never a smoothie. That is to say, We should never give up our essential parts to “dilute” ourselves completely in the other person.. We will not do it nor will we ask the loved one to do it. Therefore… What strategies should we carry out if we are in a relationship defined by this characteristic?

Strategies that will help you

Low self-esteem and insecurity must be addressed. We must deal with irrational ideas, distrust and those gaps that prevent us from having adequate emotional solvency. Something like this can be achieved through psychological therapy.

It will be very useful to carry out secure attachment rituals. This involves establishing moments in which to talk about our fears and doubts. Also establish simple customs such as doing tasks together such as hobbies, games, weekend outings. Improving the practice of physical contact (not oriented towards sex, but towards emotional connection) through hugs and caresses is also key.Reduce escape and flight behaviors. When we or our partner feel the need to flee or avoid certain situations, it is advisable to talk about it and deal with that situation.Strengthen self-esteem. The cornerstone to deactivating personal insecurity is to work on that more positive and luminous vision of ourselves every day.Empathic and sincere communication. For a relationship to work, an essential nutrient must be nourished: good communication between two.

To conclude, in love you do not have to demand sacrifices, you have to work on commitments. And to do it, you have to be brave, mature and determined. Let’s think about it, love is something that is always worth it and as Borges said, andThe worst sin of all is leaving this world without having been truly happy at some point.. Let’s heal ourselves to build happy relationships.

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