A scathing text about how certain people attach the stigma of “mercenary” to a woman without thinking first

A few days ago, I received a message from someone I considered to be my friend who “died” to me. He wrote: “You can consider me dead to you.” What I really wanted to answer was: “What is already dead cannot die”, but I didn’t have time as he had already blocked me.

The big reason for this disagreement was that I refused to solve his girlfriend’s problems for free. She wanted me to grade her final paper. I informed the value, and that’s it: I was called ungrateful and mercenary. Until then, however, I had only received one ice cream from them. For the TCC, maybe they would give me a chocolate.

A man, who sometimes flirts with me, asked: “Elena, what would you like?” Without thinking too much, with all sincerity, I replied that I wanted a more stable economy in the world and peace for everyone, but I really needed glasses, common for myopia. In response, the guy sent me a four-page text expressing how interested I was. It said that I, like all women, was willing to do anything for a few bucks, but I didn’t want to honestly love a good man without ulterior motives. If I did that, men would give me everything in return: from glasses and apartments to subway tickets. I wanted to reply that today’s fashion wasn’t for change, but minted coins, but I got too lazy.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not good at flirting. I flirt with the grace of a tank turning in a small space. I asked my friends what I had done wrong. Did the guy really think I was asking him to buy me new glasses? They burst out laughing and said I should have written that I was going to run out and pay him a surprise visit, share a strawberry milkshake, walk hand in hand by a lake, or recite poems from Shakespeare.

My friend said she met a guy, and he asked her out. She said, “I finish work at 7pm, we can go get some coffee.” The guy replied: “Wow, how can a 50-year-old woman be so conceited? For me to buy you a coffee, we first need to walk around and get to know each other better”. It doesn’t matter that it’s very cold outside, that she spent the day working (my friend is a surgeon and spends the day working standing up), that it gets dark in our city around 5:30 pm. Still, she needs to “earn” a coffee. Otherwise, it’s interesting.

I performed a service for an acquaintance. In response, he sent me an e-postcard with a flower. I asked: “Are you out of money?” I don’t hide my address or phone number, so I imagine he could have sent me 10 reais with a comment: “Elena, this is for you to buy a flower”. But no, the person didn’t think that doing something similar would be more appropriate.

I can, like any of my friends, pay for coffee, lunch, a cab ride, 150 roses and a box of chocolates. I can handle my rent, plane tickets, dresses, shoes, and glasses. I don’t need anyone to pay for me. Not that anyone bankrolls me. But I think it’s important to remember that money is not just money, it’s also a matter of self-esteem.

Charging for some service provided is not interest. I would be a mercenary person if I thought I should get everything for free. But I’ve supported myself since I was 18 and I can’t tolerate being around people who see it as a heroic act.

Paying for services and knowledge is normal. Bringing food when visiting a friend is also normal. Pleasing friends and giving flowers, the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with expressing gratitude, attention, romantic interest, and love in material ways. In this case, the rose will not only be seen as a flower, but as a “Thank you”. Coffee will not be just a drink, but a “I want to show you that I appreciate you”. And the cash notes will be an “I appreciate your knowledge and time”.

That’s all I wanted to say to you today. A big hug.