A mother tells what it’s really like to adopt a child from an orphanage

Who adopts children from orphanages? People who can’t have children? Generous millionaires? Celebrities and foreigners? In fact, it is not so. They are usually adopted by ordinary families. Simply, these people understand that children should not grow up in homes for orphans and abandoned people, so they are willing to sacrifice their personal comfort to give one of them the possibility of having a normal life.

One such person was Daria Moguchaya. She took Vasilisa into custody when the girl was just 2 years old. Daria doesn’t see herself as a hero, a magician or a superhuman. She neither exaggerates nor belittles her merits, simply speaks candidly about how her family lives after this brave step. In addition, she helps to overcome the difficulties of mothers, who are in a difficult situation, not to abandon their children. O awesome.club I just couldn’t ignore a story as touching as that.

I was only 21 years old. And where that idea came from is something I can’t even say. Perhaps because my grandparents worked at a special school for orphans and I became very attached to the children.

It all started around the age of 25, when I was already married. Initially, I started volunteering on a website called Invisible Children🇧🇷 There, I sponsored a girl, and I wrote her letters and sent her gifts.

Later I read adoption stories on Google, but they were all so sweet they made me suspicious. And that’s how I entered a forum of mothers, children and real stories. I read, learned things, insisted on visiting and went with my husband to these places.

I looked through databases of children for adoption, documentaries, and even volunteered at an orphanage. So, I attended courses for adoptive parents and my husband went with me to keep me company (although it wasn’t mandatory).

After that, our first child, Luka, was born, and thoughts of adoption “went away”.

Later, my son’s teeth started to come in and I thought, “Who’s going to hug the kids in orphanages when they’re in excruciating pain like this?” Luka woke up in the middle of the night, he was scared and screaming because he couldn’t see me. “What fears do these kids have?” After all, they cry too. But Luka knows that I’m going to see him, that I’m here. Children instinctively know that someone should look out for them (a mother, for example), but they cannot understand why the mother does not come to their rescue.

And it turned out that those thoughts came back again.

I called the orphanage and they gave me the diagnosis. Apparently, she had a hearing aid in one ear, which meant she had poor hearing, but at least she could hear a little.

I went to the orphanage. It was summer and I was 7 months pregnant. They gave me a negative saying, “Are you crazy? Go give birth and don’t suffer for nonsense.”

Later, I was told about an orphanage and I was offered an 8-month-old boy along with his 10-year-old sister. We met the girl and we refused: the ages didn’t match and we didn’t have that “fire in our soul”, besides, what would I do with another child who, like Luka, still didn’t know how to walk? And it’s unlikely we could handle the sister. In our city there are no psychologists to help you with your psychological trauma.

After that visit, my husband told me he wasn’t ready yet. I was discouraged too, although I still called orphanages in other cities and did more research.

He said he would like to adopt children one day, but after having his own and not now. Also, he saw things more clearly: a small apartment, a child being breastfed, and me unemployed.

As a result, we moved into a two-bedroom apartment (in a one-bedroom property, we would have gone crazy). And I started working on the scheme home office🇧🇷

She told me, “Look at this little girl, apparently they put her up for adoption just along with her brother.”

And it really was like that, in the federal database it was written that they had a boy and a girl. I called the town orphanage and they told me the boy had been adopted. Often, siblings are not separated, but when one of them is disabled, the other is given the opportunity to have a family. That was the case with this girl: she had cerebral palsy and many other health problems. I asked just to clarify: “Can she at least count on support to walk?”, Answer: “No, she can’t even get up”.

But it was not in vain that I spent so much time browsing the forums. From the experience of other mothers, I knew I had to go and see all the children. If I don’t adopt it, at least I’ll share your data. I convinced my husband to go see her, that’s all, and I promised to leave him alone for a year. Half a year, to be exact.

Well, there we were. My husband and Luka were waiting for me in the hallway, meanwhile, the head doctor was bombarding me with disappointing diagnoses and predictions in his office. I just listened and agreed with everything they told me, my face didn’t reflect any emotion.

I was afraid to turn around to see her, so I didn’t rush to do such a thing. I looked at her and realized she looked like Luka. I talked to my husband so we could see them together and told him about the similarities I had noticed. We were on our way to the playroom, an educator was leading her by the hand.

⁠— Oh! Can she walk alone?

⁠— Yes, it’s been a while since you started doing that.

My husband only saw her that day of the first date, then only from videos I recorded and when we picked her up. I went to see her 5 times. There wasn’t even an immediate crush, we just considered the idea of ​​becoming her parents. And so it was.

I knew the whole theory. Apparently, he would have uncomplicated tasks, he would just have to love her and that’s it.

In the database, I only saw children without problems whose mothers lacked parental authority. I was saddened when I learned that the children I was accompanying had already been adopted. Even without having the documents at hand and without having gone through the course of adoptive parents.

Not that I judged people, I just didn’t understand those foster mothers who didn’t love children but still continued to raise them and live with them. Now I think: “And what did you expect? To live a month with a child and then say, ‘Well, there was no family chemistry, you have to give it back. Perhaps you might want another child?’”

I believed that love happened in a predetermined way. But then, calmly, I began to observe children who did not behave well and realize that their parents rarely caught their attention, it’s just that they grow up very fast. Later, I started to pay attention to other children, and that’s how I stopped being afraid of those with disabilities.

Someone has to adopt disabled children. Why not us?

I would fill that gap with hugs and kisses, and she would gratefully accept. I would love her and she me.

I didn’t usually think about it much, but when would that love come? In my dreams, I should feel the same emotions when I see mine son, or at least that was the prophetic dream. How silly I was!

Everything was much simpler, normal, without romanticism or signs from heaven. I saw the form, called, visited 5 times, signed the contract and we took her home. Now I feed her, give her a drink, bath her, say nice things, scold her, give her consent, teach, educate, show her how to socialize and dedicate myself completely to her.

That’s how we live.

I needed to get as much information as possible. Do you have autism? Will she be able to study? Can we be your teachers?

Today, before getting married, it takes you 2 or 3 years to meet your future husband, you live together, and then you decide to get married. A foster child is like an old-time husband: he takes you home and you have to live with him. You must learn to understand him, know his character and love him.

And if with a husband you feel passion and chemistry, then there are no hormones. Well, at least I didn’t have them. Maybe with a baby and breastfeeding it would have worked, I don’t know. Compassion is there, but it dissolves quickly.

See the reality of life. Yes, love has a meaning, a goal, but love is a verb. And do. Loving is a daily exercise.

Love now!

The more impact it has, the easier it will be morally for me.

But everyone agrees that it’s hard to go on, whether it’s the mother, the husband, or the child, when all you get is silence for an answer.

After showering, I wrap her in a towel and hold her in my arms. Or I just approach saying, “Give me a hug”, “Give me a kiss”. And not only do I repeat mechanically, but I show my desire. And I necessarily have to kiss both cheeks because one is not enough.

Tisha, our youngest son, also caresses and kisses her. And sometimes he hugs her. And my husband is the same.

So our family is very loving.

And in connection with this, I often hear these words: “What do they do in the orphanage to make children like this?”

We are not talking about extremely terrible cases, but we are referring to an ordinary orphanage. However, the problem is not in the children’s homes, it is necessary to delve deeper.

Imagine this: they take her away from her husband and children and put her to live under some kind of condition. Somehow you will be fed, clothed and taken care of, but for some reason everything inside you starts to wither. It would be correct to say, “What a horrible institution! What kind of people work there?” But not. The problem is not who surrounds her, but the fact that no one is by her side. It is impossible for staff, even the most qualified, to replace a mother, even one who is not very good.

Vasilisa developed normally until 4 months. Upon being separated from her mother, she apparently stagnated. At 2 years old, the girl did not speak or participate in conversations…