A letter to my self: forgive me for betraying you

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. Now that you are in front of the mirror and that I have the courage to look at your face, I want you to listen to me carefully. I have so much to tell you, so much to regret, that I can’t continue living as if nothing happened. It’s not fair.

I’ve tried to have this conversation with you more than once, but I wasn’t ready. The fear, disappointment and suffering of facing everything I have done to you in these years clung to my throat and prevented me from expressing any words… I preferred to act as if nothing happened, in fact I came to believe it.

Know? Sometimes, we think we are prepared, we think we are strong and that we can do anything, but we also deceive ourselves. And that’s what happened to me: I walked with a blindfold over my eyes…

In this moment, I can look at your face and recognize you in the mirror. I no longer run from you or from my complexes. You are no longer invisible to me. I see you, I see myself, I see us. I accept us.

This reunion, This rediscovery has made me very happy, but I still feel a thorn in my side. that doesn’t let me fully enjoy you. Because what is a reconciliation without a sorry? Therefore, with the intention of strengthening this bond, I have written this letter to you.

Forgive me for so much misunderstanding

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. For forgetting about you, for putting you in the background, even for denying yourself and disguising yourself as someone you were not. For camouflage, for putting on masks…

I know. Being ashamed of you has hurt you a lot. The feeling of rejection is one of the deepest emotional wounds we can experience. I have denied you and with it I have denied myself. Hiding who we are is one of the worst betrayals we can make. It is making ourselves invisible. And how it hurts!

I can’t stop thinking about how badly I thought of you, of me, of us. The contempt he had for us. There was nothing you did well. I remember how I locked you in with questions to blame you and leave you barely without defenses. I didn’t care if it was physical, personality or specific behavior, I could barely stand you. At that moment I believed that you had nothing to offer me, nothing that I could value…

Dear me, sorry for demanding you, for whipping you with destructive words and criticizing everything that did not meet my expectations. I know that when he talked to you he was hardly delicate and that when you expected a gesture of affection, he answered you coldly. Forgive me. Instead of hugging you, I distanced myself and that generated an ever-deepening spiral of discomfort.

There are so many days that I forgot you; So many times I silenced you, even if you asked me for help inside… I’m sorry. I closed myself to you, to me, to us until I couldn’t take it anymore, until my chest burst from the pressure I felt and my spirit couldn’t remember what it was like to feel good, calm and happy. I collapsed.

And although I don’t wish that situation on anyone, Thanks to my shipwreck I discovered that you still existed, that you were there, waiting for me to turn my eyes to you at some point. Once again, sorry for hurting you so much.

I propose you a deal

From now on I want this bond we have to be different. I want to protect you. Therefore, I propose a deal: let’s bet on ourselves. I for you and you for me. Let us be one, instead of the false hero and the executioner. Let’s be accomplices.

I promise to listen to you, even if it hurts sometimes. I know you have important things to tell me. Now I’m not going to take away your voice, quite the opposite. If she is in my hand, I will make you speak louder. I want to get to know you, rediscover you, know every detail about you: what you like and what you don’t, what you are good at and what you have pending… Everything.

I can’t assure you that it won’t hurt you, that’s impossible. We all make mistakes, But what I do tell you is that I will not do anything with bad intentions and that I will think of us. In our happiness, in being who we are. Because after trying a thousand costumes I have realized that if it’s not with you it’s not with anyone. I have tasted the price of betrayal and I can tell you that it is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.

I will respect you and when you feel bad, I will empathize with you. I will put myself in your place, in everything you have experienced, I will try to understand you. Instead of blaming you, of investigating the whys, I will investigate your whys. Because only then will I be able to understand what is happening to you, what moves you and what worries you.

I will embrace your fears and your wounds. Everything I have experienced has taught me that there is no progress if there is no dialogue, listening and understanding. Fighting from anger and hatred only separates me from you and sinks me into anxiety, sadness and pain. And I don’t want that for you or for me.

I know that life is hard and that there will be moments of tension and failure, moments in which we would like not to continue or change paths, but let me go through them at your side. I know that I have hurt you, that I have disappointed you, but let’s try.

I want to build bridges to well-being and acceptance with you. I want us to be one instead of two, I want this bond to grow and fill us with peace and love. I want to hold your hand again so I don’t let go this time.

What do you say, do you accept the deal?

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