3 Types of Problems or Issues – Byron Katie

Yesterday I wrote a text about gravity-type problems, those that we can’t do anything to change. Today I would like to bring you the 3 types of problems (or issues) described by this amazing author named Byron Katie in the book Love Reality.

There are problems that belong to me (1), problems that belong to the other (2) and problems that belong to reality (3). You can imagine 3 separate circles, and each issue totally separate from the others.

The idea of ​​separating problems is fundamental for us to live with more quality of life. So let’s go:

Problems or issues of reality are those that do not belong to me or to another person. For example, in my hometown, every two decades, on average, there is a flood. The excessive flooding of the river is not controlled by any of the city’s residents. It is something natural, something that happens and over which no one has control or influence.

We all know that we are going to die, but none of us know exactly when and to worry about the time of death is to enter into a matter that also belongs to reality and not to me.

We can think of several examples such as macroeconomic crises, the emergence of a new disease, whether it rains today or not… everything that is not under my control or under someone’s control is a problem or matter of reality.

This type of problem consists of everything that is in someone else’s hands (and not mine). The behavior of someone other than me is obviously not up to me, right? Everyone’s responsibility is everyone’s responsibility.

For example, if a friend misbehaves and is sued, the lawsuit comes in his name, not mine. As in the legal field, what the other does is his business. Even if he is a person extremely close to me as a father, mother, children, still what another person does is his or her responsibility.

If a person treats me badly, it says something about the other person, it doesn’t say anything about me. After all, the action of treating someone badly was done by the other, not by me.

What belongs to me, in turn, is everything that does not belong to reality and does not belong to the other. What is under my responsibility? What do I do, what can I do, what do I say, what can I say.

What I think? Well, a part of the thoughts are under my control, but we also know that a part of our thoughts come automatically. Therefore, these that I do not control, not being under my control, are just automatic thoughts. How I read or interpret automatic thoughts, however, is within my control.

For example, if I wake up and think “what a horrible day” I am thinking an automatic thought. If I agree with this automatic thought, I suffer, but if I can see that this is just a thought, then fine. How I receive the thought is up to me.

Byron Katie sometimes talks about problems or issues or issues. The important thing is to be able to understand that there is no intersection between the 3. They are really 3 separate circles.

This is extremely important for mental health because if we can really see this, in everyday life, we will stop wanting to control what is not up to me. It’s extremely frustrating trying to control in my head what the other person should do. Besides being useless, besides wasting precious time on something I have no real influence on.

In Byron’s words:

“If you’re living your life and I’m also mentally living your life, who’s here living mine? We’re both out there. Being mentally on your business prevents me from being present on my own. I’m separated from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work out. Quote from the book Love Reality

If I keep controlling what someone else should say, for example, it doesn’t matter if it’s my father, my daughter or the president, I forget that I only control what my mouth says. I can spend my whole life complaining about what so-and-so said. And that’s not going to change the truth of what the other person said or what they’re going to say in the future is not up to me.

Of course, if someone commits an offense X that directly harms me, I can sue for moral damages, for example. The important thing here is to realize that going to court is up to me. The speech of the other belongs to the other.

“The next time you’re feeling stressed or uncomfortable, ask yourself what issues you’re on mentally, and you might have a good laugh. The question can bring you back to yourself.” Quote from the book Love Reality

I like to ask myself:

“Whose problem is this?”

When we think about the type of subject that is up to the other (especially if it is someone close, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife or husband, etc.) it is easy to confuse what is up to me and what is up to the other.

What is up to a mother or father with regard to their children is to try to educate them so that the being there grows up as a healthy, ethical person, in short, a good person. That’s what a father and a mother should do.

However, parents who have more than one child know that from a very young age, children react in their own way, based on their temperament. This is up to each of the children. And, as they grow and gain autonomy, it becomes more and more evident that what each child does for their life is what each child does, which is their lot.

Questions, suggestions, criticism, leave a comment.

References

Book Love Reality – Byron Katie

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