3 defense mechanisms that prevent you from enjoying life

Who more who less has various mechanisms psychological to defend against possible external adversities: introjection, projection and retroflexion. In appearance, they provide us with security but, in return, they stifle our true way of being and feeling.

open up to life

People live immersed in a world, from which we must obtain the things we need to survive and reject others that are potentially harmful to us. these exchanges between us and our environment take place both physically and mentally.

In the same way that we must resort to the outside In order to obtain our daily nourishment, our psychic and emotional needs also need to be satisfied through outward-directed actions.

Now the outside world –both nature and what is related to culture and society– demands certain things from us in exchange, or as a condition, to satisfy our needs.

Biological and emotional state of health –if this difference can be established– it has a lot to do with developing a balance between the individual and the environment, between what is “me” and what is not; between personal needs and the needs of the society of which we are a part.

scoundrels or neurotics

The psychoanalyst and father of Gestalt therapy Fritz Perls He said that when a person is too focused on his own needs, he is a criminal. I think that calling this state a criminal is a bit of an exaggeration, for me, someone who does not take into account the needs of those around him and who goes about his business is rather a scoundrel.

At the other extreme, Perls argued, when the needs of society weigh heavily on the individual, the result is a neurotic person, which is, after all, what most of us are.

It might seem that the way out of our suffering neurotic has to go through turning us into scoundrels. I don’t believe it. As social beings that we are and in need of others, we will not be truly happy mistreating, despising or using those around us without scruples.

The scoundrels are deceivedThey forget how essential recognition and authentic love is for people. Most of us know that we need the love and presence of others. However, in this search, we have allowed the outside world to be the architect of our good or discomfort, and it has become overwhelming.

3 defense mechanisms to abandon

To protect us from that outside that we feel as threatening, people often develop stereotyped behaviors that are commonly known as defense mechanisms, precisely because they defend us from these supposed dangers.

The problem is that these mechanisms, although they are effective, they are at the cost of authentic contact with the outside world and, particularly, with others. That is to say, we remove the uncertainty from the encounter with others, but, in exchange, we obtain dull, repetitive or biased links due to our own judgments.

Disarm defensive mechanisms with which we “muffle” and “distort” our relationship with the exterior is of the utmost importance. Various defense mechanisms have been described that can interrupt our path of personal growth. Let’s see them:

1. Introjection

The introjection mechanism It consists in taking as one’s own something that is external. The image that best describes this mechanism is that of swallowing a whole mouthful, without chewing.

We take ideas, values ​​or beliefs of our environment and we introduce them, but without any type of own elaboration. We don’t do as when we chew something and then digest it to get what is nutritious and discard the rest, but we swallow them whole.

as it would happen with a foodthis undigested psychological material remains there, like a foreign body –we call it an introject– occupying space, preventing the elaboration of one’s own concepts and causing discomfort.

Introjection is a forced adaptation. Introjects force us to act in certain ways, following rigid trends, repeating ourselves over and over again, or feeling strange when we deviate from that set line. They are the “shoulds”, the mandates, the dogmas…

When someone uses introjection as a defensive mechanism, he says “I” when it is more about “them”: “I think that…”; but, in reality, “it is they who believe that…”. To get rid of this mechanism, it is important to experience what it feels like. The emotion is always genuine, and when someone forces themselves to follow a command they haven’t assimilated, something inside often rebels.

Our physical and emotional well-being depends on the complicated balance between personal needs and those of the environment of which we are a part.

Let’s think of a man who attends a party without his wife. During the evening, a beautiful woman makes advances on him. He, after some doubts, goes with her to spend the night together and, at the most intimate moment, he fails to get her an erection.

Our man returns home without having had sexual intercourse. “I wanted to,” she explained to her therapist, “but I couldn’t.” The therapist asks: “And why did you want to?” “Well,” he replies, “she offered herself to me. How was she going to say no. I’m a man!” The introjection in this case could be stated as: “a real man does not reject the possibility of sleeping with a beautiful woman.”

The reality is that he does not want and his body – wiser than him – does not agree to do so. He wants to be “a man” and forces himself to accede to her wishes. If he relaxed his idea of ​​what it is to be “a real man”, he might respect his true desire more… but that, of course, takes work.

2. The projection

Projection is another mechanism very common with which we manipulate the relationship with the outside. It is the opposite of introjection, since what is perceived as external is actually one’s own.

It is a way of safeguarding our self-image.. Confronted with an aspect of ourselves that we reject and that is irreconcilable with the image we have of ourselves – or that we wish to have – we project it onto others – like an image on a movie screen – and see in them what we do not want to see. In us.

Someone who uses projection As a defensive mode, he usually says “they” or “it”, when, in fact, he is saying “I”. This mechanism is behind paranoia and reveals that whoever feels persecuted surely wants to persecute. Most of the time projection is more subtle and is behind many of our negative perceptions of reality.

a classic example It is the one who affirms: “So-and-so keeps an eye on me. He has it taken with me ”. Surely, it will be the person who is speaking who does not take his eyes off So-and-so to know what he is doing and not doing.

If anyone can recognize their projections, he can begin to understand, in the first place, how he is the cause –or at least the support– of the aggressive behavior of the other. Second, he will begin to develop a more complete and authentic view of himself.

3. Retroflexion

On the other hand, retroflexion, it is a defense mechanism that can be defined as a “backwards deflection”. What is deviated is the action, which instead of heading outwards – the original destination – is twisted and returns to the starting point, that is, to oneself.

Result: the person makes himself what you want to do to others. When someone uses retroflexion, in some way, they unfold: they do and, at the same time, it is done to them. He becomes observer and observed, judge and party. It is understood, then, that guilt is one of the main manifestations of retroflection.

If we want to have an authentic and complete vision of ourselves, we have to learn to recognize what we see in others and that, in reality, it is ours.

Let’s think of a woman who takes care of his sick mother. He visits her frequently and sacrifices her personal life to take care of her. However, he feels guilty about her and thinks that he should be with her more, he reproaches himself for not giving her the time and money that he does not have from her.

If we asked him why he is punished, she could answer: “for being a bad daughter”. She makes a demand on her mother – even though her mother doesn’t have it – and her response is almost always rage. Actually, she is angry with her mother, so her mother’s supposed demand has forced her to leave.

But this rage is unspeakable –How can she get angry with a sick old woman?–, that’s why she twists her emotion, returns it and gets angry with herself. To regain balance, this woman should acknowledge her anger. Maybe so she can see that her mother is not responsible for what happens to her and decide how much she wants and she can help her. That way, even if it’s painful, she’ll do it with less guilt.

Abandon our defensive mechanisms it brings us face to face, and without manipulation, with the world and with others. We show ourselves as we are and we see those around us as they are. It is a process that requires courage because it involves relating without the certainty that others will accept us. But it is also a transcendental step in terms of our emotional health and the ability to grow and develop as people.