15+ Psychological Tricks to Learn to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilt

Throughout life, we face situations where refusing a request that we are not willing to fulfill or that we simply do not want to fulfill becomes extremely difficult. However, the most stubborn “beggars” can even act persistently and too aggressively, so it’s important to know how to behave with them. In your Publicationthe educational psychologist and specialist in conflict mediation Elina Frolovatalks about how to deal with social conventions that can be harmful, learn to say “no” and resist aggression🇧🇷

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We often agree to undertake a task whose solution is beyond our reach or which requires more time than we actually have. Because? Since childhood, we are coerced into making decisions based on certain social conventions, which develop the habit of pleasing everyone, even against our will. Here are some of them:

I can’t refuse my friend’s request. I cannot refuse my family’s request. I owe the person in question. One hand washes the other. If I refuse, I will offend or disappoint the person, as well as ruin our relationship. Polite people always help. If I refuse, I will be considered selfish, etc.

Take your time. If you can’t turn down a request right away, ask the person to give you some time to think about it. Afterwards, it will be easier to let her know about your decision. Take the initiative. When someone insists, return the request with another request. For example, if someone asks you to change shifts, you might agree if they help you renovate your house. Think of an authority🇧🇷 Sometimes, you can resort to a shrewd measure and refer to someone who would not approve of the request being granted, be it your mother, wife, brother, or the president himself—you can name any guy whose opinion is a valid argument for the person who is asking.

Lighten up your answer with a joke. If someone asks you, “Will you marry me?” you might reply, “Hey, I don’t think my wife is going to like that. Besides, it’s illegal.” Consider your refusal in advance if you come into contact with someone who tends to ask for help frequently.

Justify your negative answer. It is unnecessary to make excuses, but it is necessary to mention the reasons why you cannot or do not want to do certain things. For example: “I don’t want to trade shifts with you because you didn’t trade shifts with me last time. By the way, I already have some plans for my day off”. If anyone insists, don’t hesitate to say: “Don’t force me”🇧🇷 This can give the person a reality check and remind them that your opinion also needs to be taken into account. Offer an alternative: “I don’t think I’ll go to the movies with you because I don’t like the movie genre. But I know that João enjoys it, so I think he would love to keep you company”.

Look for synonyms of the word “no”. If you think that just saying “no” is impolite, you can change the sentence: “I’m sorry, but my answer is ‘no’” or “I’d be happy to help, but I don’t have the time or possibility”. Don’t be afraid to offend someone with your answer. If you know how to justify it, but the other person is not able to understand it, it is better to stop and think about this guy’s intentions.

Don’t hit back with the same negative reaction. It’s hard to hold back, but the bully may purposely provoke you in order to make you angry and start a fight. Is this what you need? Don’t take it personally. Generally, only a third of aggression is directed against the source of frustration, while the rest is directed against the irritant and the situation itself. Therefore, it is more worth paying attention to sound arguments. Know how to listen. Sometimes it’s better to let someone vent, listen carefully and focus on the likely feelings behind the negative speech. For example, when someone keeps complaining about the loud laughter on the bus, it’s wise to reply, “If you’re feeling lonely and would like to talk, we could all laugh together.” Postpone the conversation. When the opponent reacts in an unbalanced way, refuses to understand your arguments and simply behaves aggressively, it is better to postpone the conversation by saying that you have an appointment and need to leave. The important thing is to avoid teasing him or calling him an inconvenience. Learn to set your personal boundaries. You can also openly say that you don’t feel comfortable continuing the conversation, you don’t tolerate the disrespectful attitude, and that the hostile way of broaching the subject will not lead to any conclusion unless it causes you to sever all relations with the person. Learn how to stay calm. The bully usually expects his victim to respond in an insulting way as well. Reacting to offenses calmly helps to break the pattern. Learn to give an appropriate response. That is, as soon as you notice aggression on the part of someone, react immediately by showing that you will not tolerate inappropriate behavior: “Stop yelling at me. I will not tolerate this!” Add some humor to the dialogue. But be careful, as this trick only works on people nearby. For example, if someone exclaims: “You are crazy!”, you can answer: “Not likely. As a child, I went to the psychologist who said I was normal.”

And you, what tricks do you usually use to deal with pushy people? Share with us in the comments section!