10 things about relationships you only learn by suffering

Anyone who gets into a relationship does so with the intention that it will be good and that it will work. And in this desire to establish a good relationship, it is natural and also essential that each one tries to adapt to the other and to the shared life. But often, this adaptation can be confused with deprivations that do not match the needs of a relationship and that can be practices that end up bringing bad consequences.

These painful lessons that we learn throughout life and relationships cannot always be passed on in some way: it is necessary to experience them to really understand how harmful they can be and from there to learn a lesson for life.

How to realize that a behavior may be being bad or that you are following a path that will possibly get you into trouble soon? Sexologist and psychoanalyst Lelah Monteiro summarizes: “Any relationship, be it parents and children, spouses, professional or even friendship, that brings me more illusions than achievements, more suffering than joy, more isolation than socialization, these are harmful involvements. ”.

Here are some of the lessons you learn most about relationships after experiencing them:

1. Don’t walk away from friends

This is perhaps the most common lesson in relationships. However, many people do not realize or pretend not to see that this is happening and this is not a good idea. You can expect friends to make an effort to understand that when you’re involved or in love, it’s natural for social moments to diminish and for you to want to make the most of that feeling.

But the responsibility of getting closer, most of the time, falls on the person who is dating, because it is the person who ends up moving away or not having time. Relationships go, but friendships stay. It is important to always keep this in mind. Even if friends understand an estrangement, they cannot be expected to remain faithful to the friendship if they no longer receive any attention.

Psychoanalyst Lelah Monteiro explains: “as a rule, when I move away from my family or friends, from what I enjoy to be with the other, to please my partnership, I start canceling myself for the other or because of him. This is a path that can lead you to isolation and away from what you really like.” If you walked away from friends because your partner demanded it, get out of it as soon as possible. Preventing someone’s social life will never be an attitude of love.

Testimony: “I had a friend who walked away from me a lot when she started a new relationship. She even went so far as to hide that she was with me when she was on the phone with her boyfriend. She was going to be my daughter’s godmother, but with that unfriendly demeanor, she lost her post.” Diane, 35 years old.

2. People leave

It is necessary to realize that, no matter how much you plan, surrender and invest in a relationship, it can always end. No promises or responsibilities made can prevent ties from falling apart if the relationship doesn’t go well. Therefore, accepting that life has its cycles and that the person will not want to be by your side forever is fundamental to learning about the dynamics of life and relationships.

Sometimes the involvement is so great that you don’t accept a breakup or you get very hurt from a breakup because you never thought it could happen. It is always important to keep in mind that people get involved, but there is no guarantee that this involvement will be eternal.

3. Don’t give up on your way

This is a complex subject, after all, if there is a relationship, isn’t it to build a life together? Of course yes. This sets up a problem when the choice to go out of your way is not because you really want to follow the other, but because your partner demands it or because you think they deserve more than you do. Lelah Monteiro suggests that you always ask yourself: “How much do I want to please the other, forgetting about myself and my life projects?”.

Giving up on your plans such as a college, a profession or even the dream of having children, for example, can end up bringing great frustrations if you one day find yourself alone and without having followed your dreams. The sense of wasted time and disloyalty can be overwhelming.

Testimony: “After the separation, my ex-husband suggested that I return to the city where he lives with our son, ensuring that I would have financial help (the city is much more expensive) and housing. I stopped my projects, turned in my house and accepted his offer. After a month of moving, I was evicted from the apartment by his family and I ended up delaying the paths I had traced before”. Michelle, 33 years old.

4. Always watch your partner

Relationships need to be nurtured and cared for constantly. Even if it seems like everything is fine, one should not lose attention. Observing, listening and investing time in your partner (and he in you) is a job that should be routine and considered very important. There can be a lack of time and attention devoted to the other, and many relationships end because there was no such care. Even if it’s unintentionally, when you realize it can be too late to resolve.

Testimony: “I spent some time without having almost any interest in my husband. He always complained and I thought I loved him. After a while I realized that I actually didn’t have any desire for him anymore, the relationship was more of a friendship and I kept it for fear of losing. The problem is that I made him very sad for a long time, I regret that.” Sonia, 56 years old.

5. Lack of sex can be a problem

When it comes to a couple that has always had an inactive sex life, there is usually no problem when sex is rare. But when one’s desire is greater or less than the other’s, if permanent, it can bring great discomfort to the relationship. Although not everything in a relationship, sex is still an important part, an indication that there is still affection, interest and attraction. It takes effort to keep this aspect of the relationship always healthy and, for that, it is best to bet on open communication.

6. It’s no use insisting

Whining, chasing, insisting on dates never works when it comes to love relationships. It’s no use begging for love or a relationship if the other is not in the same mood. It will also be worthless to charge a promised love. More likely, you’ll leave broken and feeling humiliated. According to psychoanalyst Lelah Monteiro, the reflection to be made is “what fixed ideas of reality am I insisting when I already have demonstrations that this is not the way, or the person?”.

Insisting may also not be a good option when the relationship is not satisfying. Without forgetting that every relationship goes through ups and downs, it is important that you realize the limit of these periods. If the relationship has been unhappy for a long time, it’s time to review whether it’s really worth it.

7. Monitoring the life of the other does not prevent betrayal

Watching someone does not prevent betrayal. Betrayal happens because of lack of security, love or various other problems, and not because there is simply room for it. Insecurity beyond healthy makes you waste time and energy, wearing yourself out uselessly, and is capable of worsening the situation with so much misunderstanding and suffocation.

Testimony: “I had a very jealous relationship, more on my part, and it taught me a lot about trust. Searching my cell phone or computer for anything that could be a sign of betrayal made my life hell every day. This caused me a lot of trauma and as much as I was ‘on top’ I ended up being betrayed in the same way. Today, I forbid myself from researching, it’s not worth it”. Aline, 28 years old.

8. Loves go away, personality stays

Divergent issues will always appear in relationships, even in the most balanced couples. Over time, it is normal and even expected that each tends to adapt to the other, including changing some ideas and perspectives.

What can become a problem is when a person gradually gives up their opinions and wishes, stops doing activities that were once routine or changes their principles just to avoid conflicts and please their partner. Depending on the degree of this omission, the relationship can become vitiated and when you really want to express yourself, there may not be room for it. When a relationship like this ends, a strong sense of insecurity can arise.

9. Do not submit to abusive relationships

What each considers an abusive relationship varies. But there are certain limits that can go unnoticed by someone who is in love or very emotionally involved. Physical or verbal violence, excessive jealousy or control over your activities are strong indications of an abusive relationship.

In the hope that the relationship will improve or the other will change their behavior, many people allow themselves to be in a relationship like this. This is always a very painful lesson and for that very reason it should serve for a lifetime.

10. Own your mistakes

The greatest lesson that can be learned throughout life is that everyone makes mistakes and that great teachings reside in those mistakes. But in order to learn from mistakes and grow in the face of an obstacle, it is necessary, first of all, to be able to visualize and accept your failures. If it’s the other way around, and the responsibility for problems is always attributed to the other, you may miss a good opportunity to understand yourself and improve your future relationships.

The lessons that can be learned in relationships are always renewed. With each new bond, it is possible to improve and understand more about the ways in which people live and relate to each other. Take advantage of our tips and who knows, you might be able to prevent these lessons from being too painful.