10 Phrases Parents Should Avoid Saying to Their Children (new selection)

Unlike older generations, marked by much stricter parenting methods, currently praising children seems to be establishing itself as a strategy widely adopted by parents in order to reinforce children’s self-esteem. Making it clear to children that they have their parents’ affection and approval is critical to their development. However, it is equally important to do it correctly to avoid unwanted results.

In this post, the awesome.club lists compliments that it is better to avoid directing to children, also bringing alternatives to replace them.

Natalia María Barrientos Roldán explains, in her research work on children’s learning, that, in our sociocultural space, getting a 10 on a test is seen as extremely important, since we tend to associate high grades with great intelligence. Furthermore, we tend to believe that intelligence has to do with something inherent in a particular individual.

Thus, the way we recognize and value the child’s effort is crucial, as it will determine whether the mentality built will be “fixed” or growth. The fixed mindset makes the child try to protect his self-esteem, failing to risk learning new things. On the other hand, the growth mindset motivates learning.

To encourage the development of a growth mindset, it is necessary to avoid praise directed towards innate abilities, since this will likely make the little one try, at all costs, to appear intelligent – as if having intelligence were a kind of talent he was born with. Compliments must, indeed, be focused on the effort undertakenso that the child feels stimulated to continue learning and experimenting.

During childhood and the period of child development, creativity is a key element. Generally, when parents are faced with one of the “works of art” made by the offspring, they end up exaggerating the praise, with the purpose of encouraging their children to continue developing their creative side, improving the child’s self-esteem. However, experts believe that this strategy may not be the most correct.

A study carried out by Eddie Brimmelman, Sander Thomaes, Bram Orobio de Castro and Geertjan Overbeek explains that children with low self-esteem are usually precisely those whose parents praise too much. This type of behavior, contrary to what people tend to believe, does not improve self-esteem, but makes the child simply try to fit into patterns, avoiding challenges and new experiences. In a test carried out by researchers at the Science Center Nemo, an institution in the Netherlands, it was shown that children who were exaggeratedly praised for a drawing made drawings much simpler at a later time, compared to those who were moderately praised. Thus, it became clear that too much praise does not work as a stimulus for greater efforts.

Therefore, praise the technique or dedication applied by the child when drawing can have much better results than praising the result of the work itself, telling the little one that he is a great artist or that that work of art has no defects.

Laura Markham has devoted much of her life and work to studying and writing about parenting and child psychology. In her articles, she explains that, as with smiles and hugs, verbal interactions are fundamental elements in the relationship between parents and children. When it comes to praising the child, Markham says it’s important to make the little one feel secure and accepted. But it’s just as important to use the right compliments so you don’t get counterproductive results.

One of the most common compliments given by fathers and mothers is that of “good boy” or “good girl”. However, the expert explains that evaluating the condition of “good” or “bad” is not something positive. In addition, Markham assesses that children, because they are in constant learning, do not always have the notion of what attitudes make them “good” or “bad”. Therefore, it is essential that your child knows that, no matter what he does, he will have the affection and support of his parents. In cases like this, a compliment like “whatever happens, I love you” tends to be much more effective.

When we make compliments about appearance, gender is an element that ends up coming into focus, even if we don’t even notice it. In general, girls are praised for their beauty, while boys hear praise based on other qualities. Kristyn Kusek Lewis, writer for Parents Magazine, a publication aimed at mothers and fathers, explains that there is something else capable of influencing girls more than praise: the impression made by the mother. That is, the way the mother acts and thinks.

Expert Rachel Thomas, quoted in an article by Kusek, recommends that when the idea is to compliment a girl, the ideal is to focus on valuing moments that build self-confidence. An example is when the child speaks without stuttering. Another important lesson to pass on to female children involves liking one’s own body not from an aesthetic point of view, but from a health perspective. By feeling good about herself, the girl will know how to better face the obstacles that are sure to arise during her growth.

Now, when you want to compliment your daughter, it’s a good idea to think of something related to the child’s capabilities, without referring to appearance. This does not mean that parents should not see their daughter’s beauty, but that it is essential to make it clear that this is not the most important aspect.

Based on six studies and experiments carried out with children and parents, researchers Claudia M. Mueller and Carol S. Dweck explain that praising children for their abilities can have negative consequences, as children tend to think that the important thing is to be praised. for an achievement, in itself — we’ve already covered that aspect in this post. In this way, it is quite possible that, on a day-to-day basis, the child concentrates his efforts on obtaining specific results, worthy of congratulations. However, when parents and teachers turn their praise to the hard work done by the child, the child continues to prefer to solve problems that lead to new learning, leaving aside the easiest and safest way.

Likewise, the study shows that children who are constantly praised for the good work performed learn to value more the social consequences of their efforts, that is, the fact of being congratulated or praised. On the other hand, children praised for the effort and the process performed give more value to the final result, with all the implications of this, understanding that the effort allows them to improve.

Everyone knows that practicing and training our skills often works to make us more efficient. However, when we say this to a child, we can end up putting excessive pressure on them to always be the best. Joel Fish, a psychologist who specializes in sports and young athletes, explains that by making comments like this, parents send the message that if a child fails, it’s because he’s not training enough. As a result, the little one tends to blame himself, thinking that, no matter how hard he tries, he won’t be able to improve. In situations of this nature, it is much better just to encourage the child to do his best.

In general, comparisons between different people only lead to problems and rivalries. Comparing tends to do a lot of harm, especially when it involves children. Conflicts and competition between siblings are often more intense in families with several children. When parents encourage competition among children, one of the little ones tends to become a model for the others to follow. However, the consequence of this type of attitude on the part of adults is not only to see their children competing with each other, but also putting their own self-esteem at risk. Ultimately, the child grows up with the idea that the parents expect something from him that he is not capable of achieving.

All parents want their children to become independent people. After all, no one lives forever and at some point the child will grow up and need to take care of himself. In this case, the key is to do everything in due course. It is not necessary to “hammer” the child’s head from an early age saying that, someday, the parents will no longer be present. Instead, the most important thing is to give the little one all the tools they need so that, when the moment of independence comes, they can take care of their own needs effectively, without inconvenience.

According to the study by Olivia López Martínez and Juan Navarro Lozano, telling children things like “you are the best in school” too often has the potential, not to strengthen self-esteem, but to create greater dependence on parents, or else to lead the child to not give value to that phrase, excessively repeated. The crucial thing here is to guarantee unconditional support to the child, while allowing them to experience victories and defeats without the influence of adults.

When the child does something that requires a lot of work or effort, such as performing on stage, parents tend to praise the performance by saying things like “you sang wonderfully”, although in many cases this is not true. At these times, the parents’ intention is usually to congratulate the child or make him feel better.

When the situation is unfavorable, the same thing happens: the parents try to make the child believe that the result of the work is better than the reality. The problem is that, as children are very perceptive, they end up realizing that it was nothing more than a dishonest compliment. And then they start to feel bad about themselves. For example, if the child participates in a talent contest at school, but does not do so well, it is better not to praise or criticize the performance, but to value the effort made to reach that result.

When you’re about to praise your child for something you think is important, ask yourself what would be the best way to do it and also what lesson you want to leave in that…