Why the phrase “Men don’t cry” is totally outdated (and how boys need to learn to express their feelings)

Behind the expected masculinity of men is a very serious social problem. In modern society it is sometimes necessary to explain that men can get emotional and cry. We have always been taught not to show fragility, hearing things like “men don’t cry”, “this is not a man thing”, “are you a man or a mouse?”. These ideas are passed on from generation to generation, perpetuating an oppressive and divisive discourse between genders, but it’s time to put those stereotypes aside and create a new image.

The editors of awesome.club decided to get a deeper understanding of why we can’t veto men from expressing their feelings across the spectrum.

Children are, in principle, more emotional than adults: while they cannot speak, they need to be able to express their emotions in order to be better understood. Therefore, we should not restrain young children from expressing their feelings🇧🇷 Experts say boys need to be in touch, from an early age, with the full spectrum of emotions: from joy to sadness.

Our ability to feel and express emotions, as well as empathy, is what makes us human, so it makes no sense to tell children that crying is weakness. In fact, the tears are a perfectly natural nervous system reaction to irritation🇧🇷 In addition, with tears we can express different emotions: shame, guilt, pain, gratitude, anger and even joy. Depriving children of crying during the stages when they are learning to deal with emotions is a way of preventing them from being emotionally mature in the future.

People are under pressure from a social norm that prohibits men from being vulnerable. We are not yet ready to accept any feeling as valid. Therefore, many men simply do not know how to express what they are feeling for fear of judgment. As a result, there are many guys who have great difficulty saying “I love you”, for example🇧🇷

According to data from many years of research, our average level of empathy has nearly halved in the last 30 years🇧🇷 A significant role is played by the attitude of society, which states that men should be strict, as this is “masculine”.

The great reality is that men and women are capable of having the same feelings, the same emotions. Both can go through very similar problems, but the “stronger sex” is forced to hide their depression and anxiety behind passive aggression, anger and sometimes sarcasm. What goes unnoticed is that tears have the power to “wash away” stress and alleviate frustrations. If we don’t have this outlet, the body will find other ways to release the buildup. As a result, everyone around them suffers.

In the book Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears 🇧🇷Cry: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears, in free translation), author Tom Lutz explains that people can be divided into 2 groups: “whiny people” and “dry-eyed people”. The first group is not afraid to express their feelings, while the second group is repressed and despises tears as they see them as a form of manipulation.

In fact, often a somewhat “disdainful” attitude towards crying is just a way of preserving and protecting oneself of the vulnerability that crying can provide. That is, the brain begins to understand such emotions as unwanted. This is called emotional inhibition, which can develop into emotional numbness. In these cases, the person can really unlearn to cry. The result of this is a depressed state, reluctance to talk about one’s feelings with people close to them, apathy, chronic boredom and depression. In addition, these people have problems in their interpersonal relationships, since by holding back emotions, they have greater difficulty in understanding and interpreting others correctly.

It is important for men not to keep what is bothering them, but to let out what is accumulated. Inhibiting the body’s natural emotions not only leads to psychological problems, but also to the deterioration of physical health. It is essential to understand that crying is important🇧🇷

Tears, along with emotional relief, can treat the heart, lower blood pressure, and even reduce the risk of cancer. Constant stress carries a huge risk: nowadays, heart attacks are more common in men between the ages of 40 and 45 and, in general, the life expectancy of men is lower than that of women.

Fortunately, in today’s society, there is a growing idea that men are no longer subjected to as many “macho” stereotypes as before. Gender neutrality is the new trend, which allows men (and women) to be whoever they want to be. This includes men who are physically weaker and those who are emotionally vulnerable.

Not long ago, there was a discussion on Twitter on the topic of toxic masculinity, which has an impact on the lives of all those around him, including the man himself. Many men now do not want to associate themselves with the outdated and stereotyped image of the brutal, emotionless man from whom everyone expects strength and virility.

We are all human beings and therefore we are all subject to the most diverse types of emotions🇧🇷 Until recently, men who chose to show their feelings openly were called “little women”, as if being a woman was synonymous with something bad and what men shouldn’t aim for. Such men, however, are often the kindest husbands, most understanding fathers, caring friends, and loving brothers in the future.

If you browse the Internet, you will surely find a lot of stories about how society feels about boys who show their feelings. Many people still seem to react negatively to tears and complaints. of future men.

Recently, a nurse from the United States, Lyra Balearica, wrote a post saying how important it is to give boys the right to express what they are feeling. The message gained a large number of comments and was discussed extensively on various social networks. Lyra wrote this below:

She ended the post by concluding the following:

Children are often forced to hide their feelings in front of people or close friends. On the Internet, there are several stories of parents who tell how their children are repressed to not appear “fragile”.

“My son arrived from the street with his friend. Knee bleeding, skin coming off. Blood was already staining the shoe. My son was apathetic but resistant. Beside him was his friend André (as moral support).

— Come on, dammit! Beautiful! Why did you scrape your knee on the asphalt? It hurts, right?!

“No, of course not, mother!” It’s just burning a little.

“Okay, go to the shower and I’ll help you clean up.”

We entered the bathroom, I turned on the water, and he whispered to me:

— Mom, tell André to wait for me outside and I’ll meet him later.

I went to say goodbye to my friend, accompany him to the door. When I came back, my son was screaming in pain, with so much suffering that I was even scared.

“Son, what are you doing? What happened?

— It hurts a lot! I wanted to cry, but in front of my friend I couldn’t. Boys shouldn’t cry.”

From childhood it is important to show boys that there are no “wrong” feelings and that you respect all their emotions. read books together with him. By reading aloud, you can show a lot of emotions in the process and this will help the child to empathize with the characters in the stories. The child needs to be sure who can trust you🇧🇷 Thus, the opinion of others will not be so decisive. It is also valid to teach boys to express their own emotions. using you, father or mother, as an example: Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open with your children. Do not forbid him to be sad and to cry, but at the same time do not put pressure on him and do not demand any specific reaction🇧🇷 You don’t have to tell him that he “needs to cry”, just be by his side for whatever he needs and show that you don’t judge him. The most important thing for any child is to have the understanding of parents and those close to him so that he can find in them a emotional support🇧🇷

What do you think of the phrase “men don’t cry”? Do you think society has become more tolerant of male emotions? Comment!