Why do some people fear commitment?

In the case of commitment, for example, the same thing happens. Because the situation may be unknown (or too familiar) and the stimulus is not one of openness, but rather one of rejection. Irrational fear of something never leads to the right path, because it is based on insecurity or some trauma from the past.

You could say that people create their own “well-being bubble,” that circle where everything is perfect, it is our way, with our tastes, the people we love, etc. Fear appears at the precise moment when something or someone arrives to endanger that comfort zone. This does not mean that the other does it on purpose or consciously, it is we who feel “attacked.” When we consider that something is going to destabilize that perfect world, we become defensive and to a certain extent, it is logical.. The same thing a mother does with her baby, no matter what race she is.

Those who believe that a relationship is something that takes away our intimacy, freedom, personality, etc. It is understandable that they are afraid or do not feel attracted to commitment (say a formal courtship, living together, getting married). Instead, it is essential to think of love as a state where we receive and give a lot, from companionship to well-being, security, etc. That way, the fear will disappear and it will be easier to include that person in the bubble.

Now, that would be the ideal situation and it doesn’t always happen. Fear is a very powerful weapon that unbalances even the most organized person in the world. It weighs the resources we have and those we could lose, not what we would gain. That is why it is said that fear is a matter of insecurity, created by different factors and capable of years and years of trauma or bad feelings. It undoubtedly leads to other experiences, such as frustration, discomfort and depression.

When we do not know how to recognize our own emotional capabilities or abilities, we tend to avoid what made “the alarm sound.” Say, in this case, a possible formal love relationship. You could say that this is a poor adaptation to changes, which should always be taken as something positive. A person who sees themselves as weak or fragile will put on a shell so that no one can touch them. But the problem is that the threat is oneself and not the rest.

-They cannot make personal decisions, because they are very afraid of change and leaving the security zone they have created.

–They are rigid in their treatment, they want everything to be well controlledbecause otherwise, their defense or alarm mechanisms are activated

-They usually have problems expressing their feelings, they never want to delve into an important topic, about what they feel or think about something or someone, causing a great failure in communication with their environment.

–They feel so insecure about themselves that they cannot bear others to be secure, so they usually speak badly or have a wrong concept of them, wanting to convince themselves that they are not as wonderful as everyone sees them.

-It is likely that they have had some dramatic episode during their childhood or adolescence, such as being a parent who abandoned them, the death of a very loved one, a very suffocating upbringing by their parents, an education that was too rigid or permissive, being left by a previous partner, etc.

–They are very attractive people and great conquerors and, something that is contradictory, they look for a stable partner to feel protected, even if they can’t handle the situation later. At a certain point fear takes over and they cannot continue.

-They justify their fears or insecurities in different ways, but never by talking about what is really happening to them. They do not assume their responsibilities or their feelings, so they will seek to break the relationship to recover the supposed “stability” and thus escape from this change in their bubble.

How do you deal with the fear of commitment?

1-Admit that you have an emotional limitation to work on. Evaluate true needs and risk the comfort zone to achieve something more, something better. Having good self-esteem is essential

2-Overcome fear by facing it. A very true quote from Jiddu Krishnamurti says “do what you fear and fear will die.” Several strategies can be followed, but the most common is not to avoid what causes fear, because running away does not solve the problems.

3-Introduce gradual changes, little by little, to help the mind adapt to them before moving on to the next, so that it continues thinking that it has control although with minimal variations. The brain is trained like any muscle in the body.

4-Strengthen security: valuing yourself and making a positive recognition of capabilities, as well as limitations, which are not bad, but can be learned from them

5-Express your feelings, little by little too, and receiving it in a good way from the other party. Thus tensions are reduced and relaxation appears. You may not be able to say it face to face at first, but you can write it down in a notebook or say it in front of the mirror.

6-Rely: is the key to any relationship. If you have had a bad previous experience, it does not mean that the current one is identical. And always, communication above all.