Why do families end up separating emotionally?

Emotional distancing in the family does not happen overnight. Generally, it macerates little by little by accumulating an excess of disappointments, silent resentments towards certain behaviors, words said or silences that cooled emotions. Be that as it may, all of these dynamics can occur in any member of the family unit and leave lasting wounds.

Parents and children, brothers, uncles, cousins, grandparents… It is very possible that we ourselves have experienced this reality with more than one close member. In fact, physical, and especially emotional, distance occurs more frequently than we think. There are many homes that have a family member who no longer comes to visit, who does not congratulate on anniversaries or call on the phone to find out how everything is going.

For many, it is natural law. It is not easy to get along with everyone in a family tree. However, this situation is a little more problematic when it arises between parents and children. Thus, and although we are clear that Blood ties do not ensure affection nor are they an imposition to maintain that bondthis situation can be experienced with a certain sadness for some of the parties.

Let’s delve into it.

Emotional distancing in the family, what are the causes behind it?

Emotional distancing in the family is a rather neglected topic in the research literature. We have, for example, the work carried out by neuropsychiatrist Richard Conti, from Kean University in New Jersey. Something that reveals to us is that these situations They occur quite frequently and occur to a greater extent between cousins, uncles and nephews. However, where the greatest sense of anguish and psychological exhaustion arises is in the nuclear family (parents and children).

Thus, there is more and more talk about the topic. And it is also done because we see public figures who take the step, who talk about it or make us see that moving away from their respective families is something common. There we have, for example, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex leaving the British royal family behind to start their life in another country. Anthony Hopkins has also spoken more than once about the fact that he has not spoken to his daughter in almost two decades.

Seen from the outside, it can seem sad and even incomprehensible. However, the dynamics that are woven in a home and between a group of people become very complex. Salvador Minuchin, psychiatrist and prominent family therapist, said that growing and maturing is learning to separate. Nevertheless, There are separations that occur in a painful and even distorted way, creating wounds forever.

Let us now understand what are the causes of emotional distancing in the family.

Different expectations and values

How do you conceive life? What do you expect from yourself? What are your values? Often, when we answer these questions we discover that our relatives hold ideas that are very opposite to ours. However, this should not be a problem. The best families are not those that agree on everything, but those that, despite existing differences, respect each other.

The latter is not something that happens very often. The origin of many estrangements arises from the clash of irreconcilable values ​​and expectations. There are parents who place high expectations on their children and children who do not fit into the parents’ particular visions.

Behaviors that wear down relationships

Emotionally cold mothers, authoritarian fathers, selfish children, children with violent communication and impulsive behavior… Infinite unhealthy dynamics can come together in a home, many of them often caused by undiagnosed psychological disorders. Others due to personality styles that have been clashing with each other for decades.

This variety of characters creates a residue, opening wounds that do not heal and making coexistence unbearable. Little by little, this emotional distancing in the family becomes more evident and evident. Children leave home and space out visits and contact until there comes a time when that bond is worn away forever.

Often, one can experience relief from that distance, from not having to be in painful and problematic situations. However, sometimes Despite the silence in communication, the shadow of sadness and disappointment continues to weigh.

Partners of children, divorce or death of one of the parents

Another cause of emotional distancing in the family can be explained by the presence of new figures in the family unit or, in turn, by the absence of some of them.

Sometimes, The children’s partners cause the family bond to be completely reformulated.The same thing happens in case of separation or divorce of the parents. If one of the parents has a new partner, there may be a change in the relationship. Likewise, another fact also usually occurs. When one of the parents dies, the relationship with that father or mother who stays at home can also cool down. This occurs especially when the children have a good relationship with their father and not with their mother or vice versa. The loss of the most beloved figure supposes, in many cases, a quite complex impact when having to treat that other parent with the that has never gotten along well.

Traumatic situations and emotional distancing in the family

There is another decisive factor in the origin of emotional distancing in the family: trauma. Physical or psychological abuse, mistreatment, alcohol or drug consumption and the dynamics that are created in these situations give shape to often insurmountable wounds that undoubtedly explain the gradual breaking of the bond.

To conclude, as we can see, there are many triggers for the breakdown of the relationship between the members of a home. However, it should be noted that this distance is usually justified: insurmountable conflicts, suffering, domestic violence… Now, Although this distancing is sometimes necessary, society continues to view this fact with a bad light..

The family continues to be conceived as a sacred institution when, on occasions, it can be the scene and the origin of our unhappiness.

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