Why am I shy? The reason you want to be invisible

The person who is shy becomes aware of his personality trait very early. Because if there is something you discover at a young age, it is that situations that for other children are normal and fun, for you are threatening. To the point of needing to hide, to seek refuge behind the barrier of those social universes that provoke discomfort and anguish.

Now, is shyness really problematic or pathological? The first thing we should know is that we are dealing with a personality trait that has varying degrees. There are people who show a certain shyness in their behavioral record, while others see their lives as totally limited. Nevertheless, We are facing a type of profile in which it is common to experience social anxiety and suffering.

It is important to highlight this term, “suffering,” because that is the element that differentiates an introvert from a shy person. The fear of rejection, the terror of making a fool of yourself and the fear of being exposed to others. They are very limiting dimensions caused by a very critical and exhausting sense of self-awareness that cause silent but recurring discomfort.

Those who identify with this profile are very likely to not always feel good about themselves.. The world seems to belong to extroverts, to those who do not know fear and dare to speak out loud. For what is this? Why are there people who are born eternally self-conscious and others conquer every stage with their sparkling extroversion?

The shy person does not always feel good about themselves because they are aware that they miss out on opportunities (meeting people, getting certain jobs, etc.).

The shy trees and the roots we grow on

The term “shyness” was first used in the 18th century in the United Kingdom to refer to horses that were prone to being frightened. However, as we can imagine, people who choke on shame and insecurity have always been there, behind a window, far from the crowd, watching life go by from a safe distance.

In the world of nature, as striking as it may seem to us, there are so-called shy trees. There are very lush forests, such as tropical ones, in which a striking phenomenon can be seen. No branch of a tree touches another, so when we look up we find a striking geometric framework separated by veins of between 10 and 50 cm.

This show must have some ecological meaning, but the truth is that it is not yet completely clear. Maybe it’s to prevent disease, allow light to pass through, or to prevent wind friction from causing them to hit each other. According to experts, it is as if there were a genetic determination to avoid such contact and form that fantastic veined canopy.

Does the same happen in human nature? Somehow, everyone who deals daily with social phobia and fear of rejection asks themselves the same question: why am I shy? What has made me be this way?

1. More than genes, the environment matters

A large part of the population believes that shy children come into the world with that inhibited temperament. However this is not entirely true. To begin with, we will say that a good part of the studies on this personality trait come from research with identical twins.

The University of Colorado at Boulder did notable work in 2012 analyzing this issue. We know that, indeed, shyness has a genetic trigger, but this variable is not 100% conclusive or defining. According to the researchers, The environment is more important than genes when it comes to developing a shy and inhibited personality pattern. Sometimes, even as twins, each one develops a character.

Something well known to everyone is that when a child reaches 18-20 months of age, they begin to understand social standards. It is then that that line is crossed that will make them more self-confident or place them in the realm of shyness. The first experiences we have with our social environment from the age of two will sculpt a good part of our character.

2. Caregivers also influence the development of shyness

When someone wonders “Why am I shy?” It is a good idea to look back and think about your childhood. In that environment and psychosocial substrate that, like shy trees, we spread our roots to grow and develop. Let’s ask ourselves, for example, what our education was like and what dynamics our parents put into practice.

It is essential to know that often, even if a baby has the gene for shyness and his temperament oscillates towards that pole, a dynamic, open, supportive and safe social environment cushions this trait. On the other hand, if we grow up in an authoritarian, critical, unaffected and severe family, it is very likely that this shyness will settle in the child and accompany him into adulthood.

Let’s take into account, for example, that child who enters adolescence and is dominated by his insecurities and fear of being rejected when he starts high school. If he has parents who know how to cultivate personal safety skills in him and guide him to rationalize his fears and enhance his strengths, that child will reduce his social anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help us overcome shyness and social phobias.

3. Internalization and excessive fear

In addition to genes and family environment, there is a third element that feeds the roots of shyness, and that is excessive fear. Research conducted by Dr. Nancy Eisenberg highlights that This personality correlates with an internalization of negative emotions. It is something that manifests itself in childhood and, if not addressed, intensifies.

Shy children want to get involved in social situations, play with their peers, experiment and open themselves to the world. They want it with all their might, but they can’t. Because social fear overcomes them and inhibits any approach and contact with new situations and people.

The fear of being judged, criticized, the fear of making mistakes, of exposing oneself and feeling ashamed is intensely internalized in them. And they suffer, they have a hard time lacking any tool to cope with fear. Therefore, when we ask ourselves in adulthood “why am I shy”, it is good to look inside and make a decision.

If we believe that life is escaping us because of our fears, if we are losing job opportunities and we would like to meet more people, let’s do it. It is necessary to rationalize all those negative emotions that grip us and clip our wings. There are psychological techniques that will allow us to manage shyness and social anxiety. Let’s not hesitate to take that step if we need to.