Whoever plays to lose you does not deserve you: let him win

Let those who play to lose you win, giving you a love that tastes of selfishness. Whoever plays at loving you just to satisfy his emotional voids, allows him to also win that same prize: your goodbye. Because whoever plays with you does not deserve you, and if there is something we should never lose on that board, it is dignity.

There is a very interesting book by neurologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller titled The new science of the adult brain: how to find a partner which explains something very revealing to us about this same topic. People’s brains are programmed to seek and receive support. We need emotional security in each of our relationships, whether family, friendship or couple.

Now, although many may not like the following term, at the neuronal level there is clear evidence: the human being is “emotionally dependent”. However, we should not see this dependence as a total and absolute anchorage to one or more people. We talk about our need to know we are loved, to take for granted that we will be respected and that we can count on that loved one for anything.

Building a relationship based on a game of forces where there is one who always wins, hurts. At the same time, having a partner “addicted” to making promises that he does not keep or to offering a love that is always interested, the first person to suffer is our brain: stress appears. It is an instinctive biological reaction that alerts us that something is wrong.

That scheme in which we took for granted something as basic as that whoever loves you, respects you, has just fragmented within us. whoever loves you offers you support, closeness and security. If we do not feel this, if we do not perceive it, we will immediately enter a cycle marked by mistrust, vulnerability and anxiety.

We suggest you delve deeper into this topic.

Love as a system and play of forces

We all know that the success of a relationship depends on many factors, but one of them is undoubtedly the ability of both members to give and receive support. If one of the two is not involved or leaves the needs of the other in the background, the relationship will slowly drift.

Now, as curious as it may seem to us, these types of realities are not so easy to see. Sometimes, they play with us and we don’t realize it, they use us as pawns on a board where there is a relentless king or queen who devour one by one, all our illusions, all our hopes and strengths. According to systems theory applied to the emotional field, this occurs due to very specific factors.

When two people come together in a relationship, something much greater than its two members is created. It is a system, it is like a sphere full of complex dynamics that transcend us and where, in turn, we also give it characteristics that are sometimes “too” ideal. We tell ourselves that this relationship is the final onethat it is going to be perfect and that together, we are going to grow as people as well as as a couple.

We maintain these types of beliefs and internal dialogue because Our mind needs it this way: we long to feel emotional and psychological security.. However, day by day this perfect system becomes clouded with small, but relentless dynamics and serious attacks, such as contempt, disappointment, emotional blackmail…

Few people tend to react immediately upon seeing and feeling these first blows. The brain is programmed to resist changeand will use inappropriate reasoning such as “this is temporary”, “he will surely change”, “if he loves me he will realize that he is hurting me”.

However, the system that contains us weakens day by day until it collapses like a house of cards. We must be able to leave in time so as not to become the ashes of a sad dream, of a relentless game where we were the losers.

Whoever loves you does not play with you: emotional immaturity and love as a game

In the book cited at the beginning by neurologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they tell us that Emotionally immature people are the ones who tend to understand love as a game. They are profiles that react only to the novelty of the moment, to immediate gratification and to the need to satisfy one’s own needs.

They will not hesitate to reach the Moon for you only if you offer them the Sun. They will make promises to you when they are happy and blame you for all their problems when they are frustrated. However… Why do we sometimes fall in love with people with this type of personality? There is no specific reason, We could say that we are attracted by their intensity, their dynamism or that at times, they look for us like someone who needs air to breathe.

We must not be fooled. Love is not a game, and whoever plays to lose us, we must allow them to win, it is the best we can do. Because at the end of the day we too will emerge triumphant: we will have gained dignity, self-esteem and courage.

We cannot forget that emotional maturity is also defined by our ability to know how to observe the reality of things and know how to act on them, even if it hurts us, even if our heart breaks for a time. The satisfaction of having acted as we should will make us recover sooner than we think.

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