What we lose when our father dies

It doesn’t matter if the relationship was good, bad or practically non-existent. When our father dies, a shock occurs in our inner world. If we assume it healthily, it is also something that helps us evolve.

The moment when a parent dies is one of the most complex in a person’s life.. It doesn’t matter how old we are or how good or bad that relationship with our father has been. Even a distant or absent father leaves a deep void and an accumulation of feelings and emotions that are difficult to process.

When our father dies we have to mentally reposition ourselves in the world. For a while, our place on the planet becomes a little blurry. We also have to modify our self-perception. Without our father we are not the same as before.

Although it is usual for us to have more attachment and closeness to our mother, the truth is that The father is a figure that is always on the horizon . Even when he’s gone, his presence shines in the backdrop. He is a guide and protector, even though he does not guide or protect. Our mind has placed it in that role, even without realizing it.

“Like a sea, around the sunny island of life, death sings night and day its endless song”.

-Rabindranath Tagore-

When the father dies, the identity changes

We are some when we have a father and others when our father dies. It doesn’t matter if we are 30, 40 or 50 years old at the time that event occurs. While our parents are alive, a part of us continues to live in childhood. We feel that our life is headed by another being.

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At the moment of the father’s death, a small earthquake occurs in our identity. It is we who come to lead the generations what happens to us. This scares and generates a feeling of loneliness.

A process of construction of a new identity then begins. adult. This is not done automatically and it is not without suffering. We must build a new perspective on who we are and our place in the lives of others. When the father dies it is as if we lose an anchor. For a while we will be adrift.

The nostalgia of what never was

We will never have another father. This is an absolutely irreparable loss. Whether we had a good relationship with him or not, let’s feel nostalgic for what never happened or what never was. Something within us resists giving up ideals, accepting the impossible.

If our father was close and loving, let’s look at everything he gave us in perspective. His sacrifices and efforts so that we would be happy. Then we may think that we did not adequately reciprocate those generous gifts.. That we needed to give him more love, more attention or more happiness.

If the relationship with the father was not good, things get a little more difficult. The usual thing is that the fractures and breaking points in that relationship begin to weigh more. Now there is no longer the opportunity to shorten those distances or simply say yes, despite everything, we love him.

Something similar happens in the case of absent fathers. To that absence lived and suffered, surely for a long time, is now added the forcefulness of the total absence. It’s like being forced to close a cycle that never really opened.

The imperative to move forward

No matter what the circumstances are, if our father dies, grief will probably appear. We will also change sometimes in a positive way. Without this normative figure present, it is possible that aspects of our personality come to light. or realities that were inhibited by their presence.

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One way or the other, This loss is surely going to hurt intensely for a long time. As the months and years go by, it will become more tolerable.. The most advisable thing is to understand that pure and simple suffering in the face of the death of the father is a perfectly normal phase. We may be 50 years old, but it will still hurt us, it will scare us.

Psychologist Jeanne Safer recommends taking time to reflect on the legacy our father left us.. And do it basically around five questions: what did I get from my father? What do I want to keep from it? What of this do I want to discard? What do I regret not receiving? What would I have wanted to give and didn’t give?

All of this allows us to identify where the fractures and voids are. This, in turn, helps generate strategies to process these gaps and breaks.. When our father dies, new veins of growth also open. The smartest thing is to take advantage of them.