What is the mind of a bipolar like?

When I was asked to write about bipolar disorder, I immediately thought of my brother Juan Luis. Like me, he suffered from the disease, but was never diagnosed and took his own life at the age of fortyunable to understand that his ups and downs were not a trait of his character, but the expression of a cruel disease.

Unfortunately, the diagnosis stigmatizes, but it also clarifies and helps to live with a pathology that until recently was called manic-depressive psychosis.

My relationship with my brother was not characterized by its intensity, but by long periods of separation and few shared experiences. When I was born, he no longer lived at home. Because of his work, he traveled a lot abroad. His visits were unpredictable. He didn’t like to warn us. He simply stood at the door and knocked.

Sometimes smiling and loaded with gifts. Others, sullen and moody. I was a child and did not understand their reactions well. If he asked about his childhood and adolescence, they always answered me: “Very changeable. Charming, affectionate, outgoing and suddenly aloof, cold and with a tendency to isolation”.

energy to finish

In his later years, we saw each other a little more and I noticed that something was not right. A trip to Equatorial Guinea accelerated the tragedy, as he contracted malaria and experienced hallucinations. Maybe it was the quinine or something I don’t know, but he got better weeks before committing suicide. His mind stabilized, he regained his sense of humor and became more active.

At the lowest point of depression, you lack the initiative to even do something tragic

Little did I know then that suicide requires energy and determination.. His fatal decision was consummated at an indeterminate hour in the morning. That same morning I had picked up a suit from the dye, we had walked through the Parque del Oeste and we had even joked.

However, he had already taken the necessary steps to end his life. Probably his improvement gave him the necessary strength to do it. It is something quite common. At the lowest point of depression, you lack the initiative, even to do something tragic and irreversible.

Bipolar disorder: towards a prejudice-free society

I also did not understand what was happening to me when a deep despondency mixed with bouts of euphoria seized me. At thirty, I was diagnosed with depression. Ten years later, they thought they were wrong and that it was actually bipolar disorder.

This is not a case of medical negligence, but a common confusion. Typically, it takes a decade to figure out that – in some cases – depression is only one side of bipolar.

I am not going to repeat my story, which I have already recounted in these pages and in an autobiographical book. I just want to clear up doubts and send a message of hope. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I already knew that bipolarity was a form of psychosis. Put this way, it may sound terrifying, but what is truly terrifying is that psychosis is still associated with violent or antisocial behavior.

For many, Norman Bates, the murderer with a “split personality” played by Anthony Perkins in Psychosis, the famous Alfred Hitchcock film, is the archetype of the psychotic patient. Moreover, there is a tendency to confuse psychosis and psychopathy, when the truth is that they are completely different phenomena.

What is truly terrifying is that psychosis is still associated with violent or antisocial behavior

Psychopathy is a personality disorder that kills empathy or even frustrates its appearance.. It is common in murderers and abusers, but there are also psychopathic behaviors in everyday life that go unnoticed.

Psychological abuse and emotional manipulation are characteristic notes of psychopathy and can be detected in the man who hits his partner, the father or the mother who hits his son, the heartless man who abandons his dog or the boss who humiliates with impunity his subordinates.

A misunderstood perception of bipolarity

Psychosis does not affect empathy, but rather the perception of reality. It distorts the facts, altering their meaning. It can consist of interpreting a banal gesture as a cruel form of rejection, thinking that you are the center of attention or feeling that a normal environment contains unbearable doses of hostility.

In the most severe cases, psychosis may be accompanied by auditory and, more rarely, visual hallucinations.

Psychosis can induce profoundly self-destructive behaviors, but only in 3% of cases does it translate into violent attitudes towards others. I do not include in this statistic incidents without criminal relevance. It is almost never mentioned that the risk of suffering physical aggression, psychological abuse or any form of sexual abuse is multiplied by five if you have a mental illness.

The two sides of the coin

Bipolarity is not “double personality”, although it is true that states of mania and depression affect the way of being, instigating exaltation or distress. Psychiatry differentiates between type I bipolar disorder and type II bipolar disorder. In type I, the distortion of reality is more acute and hallucinations are frequent, but do not necessarily appear. The mania is triggered and the person affected loses control of his actions.

Bipolarity is not “split personality,” but states of mania and depression affect the way you are

In type II, the loss of contact with reality is less and the excitement less intense. Hence the talk of hypomania. There is a particularly complicated situation: the mixed states with rapid cycling. In such cases, depression and mania occur at the same time, sometimes within hours or minutes of each other. Sudden and unpredictable changes are called rapid cycling.

Mixed states sometimes go on for years. They are more resistant to psychotherapy and drug treatment. The risk of suicide is dangerously increased. 15% of bipolar people commit suicide. In mixed states, the stat goes up to 30%. I have been through a situation of these characteristics, but fortunately I managed to get out of that spiral.

Living with this disorder: a harsh reality

Currently, I enjoy a state of euthymia or stability. The possibility of suffering new episodes will never vanish, but thanks to psychotherapy, psychopharmacology, sleep hygiene, meditation, physical exercise, a positive affective environment and an enriching routine, where writing plays an essential role, I have managed to get away from depression and mania.

I could list the symptoms of bipolarity, but I prefer to relate my experience, not without previously noting that there are enough resources to neutralize the symptoms and lead a practically normal life.

I lost my father at the age of eight, and that seems to have changed my character. Until then, I was an outgoing and happy child, but little by little I became lonely, introverted and melancholic. In my thirties, a series of traumatic events exacerbated these tendencies. The sadness became unbearable.

I was crying for whatever reason. She could barely sleep. He couldn’t concentrate or excite me for anything. He was incapable of making decisions. The smallest effort was exhausting. I lost twenty kilos in a month. Obsessed with death, he devised suicide plans, with no other concern than failure.

If they asked me for a formula to help a bipolar person, I would not hesitate: tenderness, infinite tenderness

I think the mania arose as a pathological defense mechanism.. In a relatively abrupt way, I went from sadness to euphoria. I continued to lose weight and my hours of sleep became even more scarce, but an irrepressible energy pushed me to carry out crazy projects, talk non-stop, establish new relationships.

I no longer felt tired. He went up the stairs three at a time. He compulsively bought unnecessary things. My concentration did not improve. In fact, ideas were flowing through my mind at breakneck speed, but I no longer had a death wish. The sexual apathy turned into hyperactivity. With self-esteem through the roof, I felt capable of anything.

Of productivity and mania

It has been said that bipolarity is the disease of artists and it is not false. The list of great creators affected by the disease is very long: Beethoven, Schubert, Schumann, Chaikosvki, Van Gogh, Munch, Virginia Woolf, Poe, Mark Twain, Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Herman Hesse, Nietzsche, David Foster Wallace .

I don’t mean to compare myself to them, but I, who have published two books and over a thousand articles in fifteen years, started writing during my first bout of mania. The son of a forgotten writer, I had ruled out following in my father’s footsteps, perhaps because my self-esteem was very weak. With the mania, any complex or inhibition disappeared. Van Gogh produced almost nine hundred works in a decade, suffering from a mixed state.

Does that mean that bipolarity is one of the access doors to art? I don’t think so, but it seems undeniable that in a creative mind, mania increases the flow of ideas and intuitions, which can lead to periods of high productivity. This is the case of Van Gogh or Sylvia Plath, who wrote at a hectic pace.

Plath claimed that he had a gift, but everything indicates that he often wrote under the effects of hypomania. It is not convenient to feed myths or romantic visions. Van Gogh committed suicide at the age of thirty-seven. Sylvia Plath with thirty. When hypomania turned into mania or they fell into a deep depression, they couldn’t work. If they had not taken their lives, they would have bequeathed us a vaster, richer and more complex work.

infinite tenderness

Do not succumb to panic when faced with a diagnosis of bipolarity. Emotions can be educated and there are countless resources to address critical moments. By following certain guidelines, you can lead a satisfying personal and professional life, with reasonable expectations of success and happiness.

I would have liked to say this to my brother, I would have liked to hear it when I began to suffer the same problems, I do not give up thinking that one day society will react with solidarity and understanding, without stigmatizing or marginalizing those affected.

If someone asked me to explain bipolar disorder with a term, I would not hesitate: vulnerability, extreme vulnerability. If they asked me for a formula to help a bipolar person, I wouldn’t hesitate either: tenderness, infinite tenderness. “Tenderness will save the world”, I once heard. It may not be true, but I am sure that it can save many lives.

How to be better if you are bipolar

Good sleep hygiene. Sleeping between eight and nine hours a day is essential. The rest will be more restful if before going to bed you take a half-hour walk and take a hot shower. It is advisable to eat dinner at least two hours before and go to bed every day at the same time, without prolonging sleep unnecessarily. Sleeping more than nine hours can lead to symptoms of depression. And a sleepless night can precipitate a relapse.

Exercising regularly. Physical activity is an excellent antidepressant….