What are the limits in the relationship?

When we talk about limits in the relationship, we are referring to those own criteria that define what is allowed and what is not within the link; that are inviolable or non-negotiable. Likewise, we create them from our life history, so they may differ from one person to another.

For example, in relationships, there are people who are able to tolerate and even forgive infidelity; while there are others who would never do it, no matter how much in love they are. In this sense, The education that each person has received, personal experiences, as well as values ​​and self-esteem greatly influence.

However, it is advisable to know that, although each person can establish their personal limits and that there may be a diversity of criteria among them, There are behaviors of others that we should not let pass, if we want to preserve our self-esteem and our dignity. Let’s delve into it.

The limits in the relationship

The limits in the relationship refer to the physical, emotional or psychological boundaries we establish to protect our well-being.

However, Many couples shy away from establishing limits because they believe that they can negatively affect the relationship. or because they believe them unnecessary. Furthermore, there is a false belief that our partner should be able to anticipate our desires and needs, so the idea of ​​establishing a boundary would harm the quality of the bond.

However, It is a fact that any healthy relationship has defined boundaries. In this sense, communicating these boundaries is crucial, as it ensures that people understand each other’s needs and reach agreements that are beneficial to both.

To better understand the limits in a relationship, below we detail what each type consists of:

Physical limits: refer to the comfort of the person in relation to their body. Such as: personal space, privacy, as well as physical and personal contact. In this case, a physical limit, necessary in every relationship, is respect for the will of the other when having sexual relations; Therefore, when one of the members says “no”, it is no.Psychological and emotional limits: They demarcate the line between what one thinks and feels, as well as what others feel and think. It requires understanding that there are things that make us feel comfortable and uncomfortable, that there are attitudes or behaviors that we are not willing to tolerate.

In every relationship, it is necessary to accept, negotiate and renounce. The problem arises when this negotiation response goes much further and exceeds the limits, directly affecting the personal worth of one of its members.

Healthy limits vs. unhealthy boundaries in the relationship

Boundaries in a relationship must be fair and sufficient, so that Ensure respect for oneself and others. Now, it is important that we are aware that a limit may be considered fair and healthy by one person, but for another, it may be considered the opposite. And we all have different experiences and life stories.

Even though there is no universal agreement on limits, it is true that some are unhealthy. For example:

Unhealthy boundaries: are those that can negatively affect the well-being of the relationship. For example: excessive control, emotional dependence, lack of respect, abuse, not having privacy, etc.Healthy limits: They are those that promote the well-being of the parties involved. These boundaries should protect the relationship and encourage individuality, as a study of the National Autonomous University of Mexico. For example, respect, assertive communication, sexual and economic limits, privacy, etc.

Limits and emotional dependency

Almost everyone is clear about what they do not want in their relationship. However, it often happens that When these limits—established personally—are exceeded by the other, the person remains in the relationship. and he does not feel capable of finishing it and embarking on another path.

It is as if even knowing that this is not good for them at all, they prefer daily suffering to the pain of loss forever.

All of this is known as “emotional dependence.” This phenomenon is associated with difficulty controlling impulses and a preoccupied attachment style. This is suggested by a study published in the journal Annals of Psychology.

People with emotional dependence They see their partner as a vital necessity, like food or rest, and therefore, detachment becomes impossible.. The fear of losing their “loved one” is so great for some people that they are able to put up with behaviors such as lying, abuse or cancellation in order to maintain the relationship.

This way of thinking about our partner as a necessity is the result of emotional dependence and arises when we are not able to impose our criteria and establish fixed limits.

The dependent’s thought is expressed in the following way: “I’m sure he will change”, “It’s not that big of a deal… Maybe I’m exaggerating”, “He’s doing it because he’s stressed, this won’t last forever”, etc.

They justify their partner’s behavior, even though it is hurting them, because they need to give themselves arguments. Reasons that, although inside they know they are false, at least reassure them, make them forgive their partner and continue with the relationship.

When we love dependently and give everything without limitations, we lose our identity and are absorbed by the other, regardless of our needs. Once we have passed the limit, returning is not so easy, because we find ourselves trapped in the spider web of the feelings and thoughts that we have been creating along with the duties assumed.

Limits and self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem, that is, Accepting yourself is a pillar of mental health and emotional well-being. Low self-esteem or lack of acceptance predisposes to some psychiatric disorders such as depression, according to the magazine Psychological Bulletin.

Accepting and loving oneself, with defects, virtues, limitations and potentials, is what we really need if we want to be happy.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with limits, in all areas of life and in the couple.. If I value the other person more than myself or if I believe that I am not capable of being alone; If I believe that I need that person to be happy or that my partner gives meaning to my existence, I will be placing very powerful mines on my self-esteem. Mines that, on the other hand, can explode at any time.

To some extent, this is dangerous. Well, if we let it go, We can reach a point where it is very difficult for us to leave the relationship, or in which we find ourselves very sad with that couple.

We can only be happy as a couple if we know what we are willing to allow and what we are not willing to allow, what we want for our life.

By being clear about it and being consistent with it, we do not subordinate our needs to the needs of others. An attitude that It’s not selfish at all, if you think that, but rather sensible.. If we are at peace and in line with our ideas and values, we can be in harmony with the other person. And, in turn, that person will also feel better with us.

7 healthy boundaries you should establish with your partner

As we mentioned at the beginning, what each person wants for their relationship is a very personal decision. If we are doubtful about our relationship, we could ask ourselves: Is this what I want for my life? Do I see myself with this person five years from now? Is this behavior something I am willing to tolerate?

The most important thing, if you ask yourself these questions, is to be honest with your answers. Negative answers would be reasons to leave the relationshipknowing that, probably, later we will have to go through a grieving process in which we will have to rebuild ourselves.

Grief may not be something pleasant, but prolonged suffering on a daily basis is more unpleasant. And what would we never have to tolerate? Let’s see it.

1. Being annulled as a person

No one can tell or order another person to stop being who they are because then it makes no sense to have chosen them as a partner. Therefore, we must not allow our identity, that which we are as people, to be invalidated, suppressed or denied.

2. Receiving physical or verbal abuse

We cannot allow anyone to attack us because no one has the right to do so. Therefore, finding justifications for abuse will only prolong the situation. So leave the relationship the first time it occurs.

3. Losing individual freedom

It is the most valuable thing we have. We have to be free to come and go, to decide what lifestyle we want to lead, to have our friends, etc. Therefore, you must always put your freedom above everything.

4. Be controlled

If we find ourselves in a situation where schedule limits and barriers to being with other people appear, then we should start to worry and talk about it. It is also important to remember how essential it is to have freedom to make our own decisions within a couple and have our own life and control it, not let others do it.

5. Listen to lies

Lies are one of the easiest ways to ruin a relationship. The trust It is the basis of any relationship and more of that which forms such an essential part of our lives.

Lying wears us out, destroys us emotionally. Furthermore, the person who begins to lie has to continue doing so to give credibility to the lie they previously told, thus entering a loop that is difficult to stop.

6. Being used for sex

Sex is another addition to a relationship. If we don’t have sex, we shouldn’t feel bad or obligated. We have to say no when we don’t feel like it… It is always good to talk and clarify things at this point, since sex is an act of both people born of mutual respect.

7. Continuing with someone does not support us

Support, along with trust, constitutes the basis of any relationship. If we meet a person who does not believe in ourselves and doubts our worth, then we must let him go.

Because? You should not allow anyone to take away your desire to fight for what makes you feel alive: your dreams. If you let them do that, then you will not be the master of your own authentic life.

4 Keys to establishing limits in your relationship

Limits in the relationship are necessary, since they guarantee the respect, trust and dignity of the members. That is why, below, we leave a list of tips to start establishing them.

Practice self-knowledge. The first step to establishing healthy boundaries is self-awareness. This involves being able to identify what we like and what we don’t; what our physical and emotional needs are; with…