Tips before separating: how to prepare psychologically so as not to end badly

We tend to think that if a couple separates it is because something has gone wrong: one of the two made a mistake or behaved in a bad way or, in the best of cases, both made a mistake in choosing each other (“We were not the one for each other”). However, I think it would be very important that we begin to think that a couple can dissolve even when there has been no mistake or wrongdoing.

mMany love stories simply end. In this article we give you some Tips to prepare psychologically before separating so that the relationship can end in the best possible way.

In this video, the writer Roy Galán reflects on what comes after love:

advice before separating (so that everything ends well)

Sometimes ending a couple is the best thing that can happen.. This does not mean that it would have been better if it never started. It just sometimes gets to a point where each partner’s paths diverge too far; a time when ideals, projects or beliefs have become too divergent.

Other times, in an even simpler way, each has learned from the other everything he could and there is nothing left for either of them, so the farewell is the best option.

So we could disagree with Les Rita Mitsouko and say: “Not all couples end badly”, or at least: “Not all couples necessarily end badly, it is also possible to end well”.

And what would have to happen to be able to say that a couple has separated well? In my opinion it is something quite simple (which does not mean that it is easy):

A couple separates well when those who form it leave it more enriched than they entered

To avoid resentment, mistreatment, petty, or directly harmful attitudes, it is essential that both understand that, beyond the pain of separation, they have won everything they have been able to share during that time. These tips will help make it happen:

1. DO NOT force yourself to remain something

Many times it is considered that “ending well” is synonymous with the relationship continuing in another form (“We will continue to be friends”), but it seems to me that this is a way of continuing to think that nothing good should end or, in other words, if something ends it is because it was not good.

Most of the time, when a couple breaks up (if there are no children involved), they never see each other again.. And that should not be taken as a sign that speaks of little relationship valuebut as evidence that there is no possible format for that link.

The relationship may have been valuable and still end forever

To think that these two conditions are not exclusive It is essential if we want to start separating better.

2. not devalue our (still) partner

Why is it so difficult to reconcile notions of the valuable and the ephemeral? I think it is because we are very afraid of the pain of losing something valuable. Faced with this possibility, we think in two ways:

If we have something we value, we consider it eternal. If we are about to lose something, We start to devalue it.

​This attitude is based on a logic that I believe is erroneous: If we sustain the value of what we are losing, we will suffer more.

PFor this reason, we often adopt a defensive mode against the dissolution of a link, which consists in devaluing the other.

It is as if we said to ourselves: “I have not lost that much; we didn’t have much anyway.”

This mechanism is often expressed in the phrases of jilted lovers: “He’s an idiot, I don’t know how I didn’t realize it until now” or “It’s finally over, I’ve wasted too much time by his side.”

This is how they shield themselves from the pain of loss, but, without knowing it, they enter a path that only leads them down a downward spiral in which sorrow and misery grow more and more.

Paradoxically, in this way what we lose increases: not only are we left without a partner, but we also lose what we could have rescued from that bond.

By denying its value, we are getting rid of everything good that was there. The feeling of having wasted time is inevitable and, in my opinion, terrifying.

It never ceases to amaze me when people who have been married for twenty or thirty years break up and talk about their ex-husband or ex-wife putting them down, considering them hateful or hateful, calling themselves idiots for having chosen them all this time.

Honestly, I don’t think they were idiots; I think it’s a defense against pain: they’d rather lose twenty or thirty years of their lives than accept that something that was good for a while now isn’t good anymore. I believe that it is a mistake, and that the cost they pay is enormous.

3. understand that love does not belong to us

We often believe that the other has a kind of obligation to love us. However, it is not for us to be loved today because we were loved yesterday. In other words, we cannot assume that the other owes us a love debt and, therefore, we cannot feel resentment.

Resentment is one of the most frequent feelings that are generated after a breakup of a couple and, probably, the main obstacle that must be overcome in order to “end well” a relationship.

Resentment is generated when someone believes that they have been denied “something that belongs to them”

It is not about “something I wanted”, because in that case what arises is sadness (which is much healthier than resentment). Often, when we are “left”, we feel that something that belonged to us has been taken away from us, and what else can that something be than the love of another? However, How can love be something that corresponds to us?

It seems as if the fact of stopping loving was evil in itself, but loving is not an obligation

This is the problem: we often believe that the other has a kind of obligation to love us. All the more if he has ever loved us. And not feeling love makes her a bad person. I don’t agree at all: loving is not an obligation (it never could be, because no one can be forced to love).

It is not for us to be loved today because yesterday we were; We cannot assume that the other owes us a love debt and, therefore, we cannot feel resentment. We can feel sadness, since something we wanted (that another loved us) is denied us, but we cannot be angry, because nothing that corresponded to us has been taken away from us.

4. Walk complete and grateful

We can feel sadness since something we wanted (that that other loved us) is denied us, but we cannot be angry, because nothing that corresponded to us has been taken from us. Only then can we be grateful for the time that we have shared and for the love that we have received.

If we are clear about this principle, we can be grateful for the time that we have shared and for the love that we have received, instead of lamenting or, worse still, resenting the time or the love that has been denied us.

Armed with these ideas we will face our separations in a much healthier way, And not only will we go through those painful moments with greater integrity and calm, but we will be able to enrich our lives with what we have learned from each of our partners and not only from those that last the rest of our days.