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The psychology of resentment

Resentment is a feeling that chains you to everything that hurt you, so that the pain never goes away.

Resentment is a feeling of deep and persistent anger; a deep-rooted resentment that unbalances and sickens the body and mind. The origin of resentment can be due to several reasons: insult, abuse of trust, deception, offenses, abuse.

Resentment builds up until it finally turns into a desire for revenge. A desire that one feeds and causes it to grow to the point that it begins to become unbearable. In this way, resentment is formed little by little, and from there it is not difficult to move on to hatred. A hatred that prevents us from calming down and observing things from a distance. As Alberto Acosta, professor of Psychology at the University of Granada, states, “Resentment requires previous experiences of anger with the same person who has offended us.”.

We have all suffered from it at some point, sometimes adopting behavior that goes against our true personality., to endure the imbalances and anguish that this feeling generates. Generally, we all live faithful to our behavioral patterns, but these do not always coincide with the behaviors of others.

Where some see an unforgivable offense, others may regard it as unimportant. And even if the offensive act itself was the same, the person who thinks it was less important will receive less damage.

Resentment imprisons you

There is a fable that exemplifies very well what resentment is and how a person experiences it:

Two men had unjustly shared a prison cell for several years, enduring all kinds of mistreatment and humiliation. Once free, they met years later. One of them asked the other:

– Do you ever remember the jailers?

– No, thank God I have already forgotten everything – he answered. And you?

“I continue to hate them with all my might,” replied the other.

His friend looked at him for a few moments, then said:

– I’m sorry for you. If that’s the case, it means they’re still holding you.

“Maturing is learning to love beautifully, to miss in silence, to remember without resentment and to forget slowly.”.

-Frida Kahlo-

As we have seen in the fable, resentment ends up becoming a prison. But not one imposed by others, but by ourselves. This feeling of deep hatred does not allow us to move forward, since we continue dragging everything that is in the past and that should stay there.

A dangerous weapon that hurts us

If you feel that someone has mistreated you unfairly, it is life that will order it, but one should not become a judge. We only have to be responsible for ourselves, modifying the patterns of association and keeping in mind that if someone deceives us, it does not mean that other people will also deceive us.

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We are unique, let’s not make the mistake of trying to make others think as we would like. The other person can never be as we need them to be. There are, therefore, numerous possibilities that they will defraud us many times. It is necessary to learn that everything changes, and that we are also capable of defrauding, even without wanting to.

If we make the decision to turn bitterness and deep anger into lasting resentment, we will be manufacturing resentment. Without a doubt, a dangerous weapon that unbalances and sickens the body and mind, preventing us from enjoying life. And let’s not forget that many times, resentment does more damage than the offenses received.

Resentment ends up, sometimes, becoming somatized in our body. giving rise to inexplicable illnesses that have to do with that very negative feeling that we drag and keep inside us. It is clear that people can let us down and that we can get angry about it. There are many that will hurt us and that will frustrate us and make us feel helpless.

“Holding a grudge is like holding onto a burning coal and resisting not letting go. “The only one who burns is you.”.

-Anonymous-

Final reflection

However, continuing to hate when everything has already happened and not letting go of all that pain that others have caused us will be a double-edged sword. A weapon that will turn against us and the only people it will hurt will be ourselves. Why would we want to do this harm to ourselves?

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Resentment resides within us and, in reality, it does not transform into any action other than desires for things to go badly for the other person or bad faces that we can give them. It doesn’t go any further. We keep hate all to ourselves and if we don’t let it go, we will suffer..

As Master Thich Nhat Hanh describes, “The moment you get angry, you tend to believe that your misfortune has been created by someone else, and you blame them for your suffering. But, As you look deeper, you may discover that the main cause of your suffering is the seed of anger in you. Many other people, when faced with the same situation, will not be angry like you.“.

The teacher adds that the other people “They hear the same words, they see the same situation and yet they are able to remain calm and do not get carried away by emotions. Why do you get angry so easily?”. He himself gives us the answer: “perhaps it happens to you because the seed of anger in you is too strong”.

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