The need to idealize to love

When we fall in love, it is not only inevitable to idealize the other person, but it is also necessary. This uncontrollable and passionate state, which occurs with such intensity, is based on the special vision we have about the person we fall in love with.

A special vision that makes us marvel, since we exaggerate any positive characteristic in the other person and diminish any negative aspect and even see it as something nice. In idealization, what prevails is the character that we build through another person..

The process of idealizing has a certain time, since it is inevitable that the intensity decreasesthis state cannot be maintained since it affects us in all areas of our daily life, it decreases our concentration and attention since all our energy is focused on the loved one.

Biochemical process when idealizing

In the state of love, when idealizing, a biochemical process is generated in our altered brain that is similar to addiction.; That is why it is said that this state is like being drugged and resembles mental alienation.

Being in love alters chemical substances in our brain such as norepinephrine and dopamine. In addition, it increases the production of phenylethylamine, this being a neurotransmitter that causes a greater degree of excitement, generating tachycardia, redness and insomnia.

Phenylethylamine is also generated through some foods such as chocolate., that is why this food can help us to relieve a little that feeling of anxiety due to the absence of a loved one. In the state of idealization, physical symptoms appear such as:

Palpitations, chills and tickling in the stomach (known as butterflies). Strong nervous excitement, flushing, cold sweats and pupil dilation. Change in body odour, paralyzing fear and physical need for the presence of the other person.

Psychological symptoms include:

Focus on the loved one, dependence and loss of one’s own identity. Desire for fusion, idealization and alternating states of euphoria and depression.

Fantasy period of idealization

Fantasy is triggered by idealizing, everything that is part of the other person seems to us to be good and the best. We create an extraordinary being, playing with his personal characteristics, also adding aspects that we long for.

We fantasize about being able to meet our loved one anywhere and at any time, we perceive that something like this can happen and we remain alert. We see it everywhere and feel it as a part of us. It is during this period when we can have hallucinations.

The fantasies we have revolve around the ideal we have created about what a romantic relationship entails.. Depending on how we live love, we will look for one type of person or another to come closer to this ideal: impossible loves, loves lived through pain, love based on conflict, passionate love, tragic loves, “perfect” loves, etc. .

Getting in touch with reality

The process of idealizing the one we love can last over time; At the end of this process the relationship can end or be transformed. This is something that will depend above all on how far reality is from the expectations we had. If the person we have idealized does not correspond at all to our ideal, it is likely that the relationship will no longer be motivating.

Contact with reality can become frustrating and tragic, after all the fantasy that we had built in the state of love.. Returning to reality is the step in which our love becomes a mature love. This transition validates that we are with the person we really want to be with, to share our lives.

Taking this step of returning to reality means loving in a different way, without losing your individuality. Idealization has the function of attachment and fusion, it gives us the strength and energy to want to know the other person, with all the intensity that this entails. Although breaking away from idealization can be frustrating, It is a positive frustration that helps us evolve and consolidate the loving bond.

Love is only possible when two people communicate with each other from the center of their existence. Therefore, when each of them experiences themselves from the center of their existence. Only in that “central experience” is human reality, only there is life, only there is the basis of love.

Experienced in this way, love is a constant challenge, it is not a place of rest. A move, grow, work together. In this way, whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two beings experience each other from the essence of their existence. Understanding that they are with each other by being one with themselves and not by fleeing from the shadow they cast.

We share this great scene from the end of the movie “Crazy in Skirts”:

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