If you ask people what is the most important thing in a relationship, you will get a plethora of answers – the big ones being trust, communication, respect, etc. – but all the answers really tie into a single factor: Emotional stability and emotional self-sufficiency.

Without it, there is effectively no relationship.

With that, everything else will follow naturally.

I’ve written about this before – in fact, “emotional stability” is number one on my list, and one of the only three things I absolutely need in a partner. Emotional stability is the sexiest thing you can have.

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And I’m not alone in saying this – many people agree that this is the most important thing.

Mark Manson calls this “people who manage their insecurities well” or “the ability to see your own flaws and be responsible for them.”

Karen Salmansohn called this “good character values” – i.e. “not a psychopath” (and then includes a list of “psychopathic” traits – thanks Karen.)

Leo Babauta of Zen Habits uses the term “emotionally self-sufficient”, saying:

“We look for happiness in others, but that’s an unreliable source of happiness… And here’s the thing: It’s not their job to fill our emotional needs.”

Zaid Dahhaj describes emotional self-reliance as “your relationship with yourself”, which is the same thing. He goes on to say:

“If you don’t love yourself completely and actively ensure that your own needs are met, it will be difficult to do the same for others.”

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And when we talk about “actively ensuring that your own needs are met,” we don’t mean “actively asking others to meet them.” We mean “work actively to get to know them yourself”.

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Healthy relationships don’t start from a “scarcity” or “lack of something” point of view. Contrary to popular clichés, they are not about finding our “other half” or someone to “complete” us. Healthy relationships are only built with people who are already whole.

And even the other big guys – communication, trust, respect, etc. – will come later, fluidly and organically, if emotional stability is well nurtured and acted upon by each individual (in relation to themselves, not others). You will promote good values – and find partners who mirror them – if you have emotional self-reliance and solid self-respect.

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How to build:

There are many better features than this list. But to give you an idea:

Sit alone (no cell phone in hand or distraction, for a few minutes). Look within yourself. Watch your thoughts as they arise. Know your mind.
Learn to fix your own problems. If you’re bored, fix it. If you are alone or hurt, take comfort. If you’re jealous, don’t wait for someone to reassure you… reassure yourself.
Take responsibility. We only control ourselves – we don’t control other people or the environment. Find out what is within your real control and focus on that.