How long have I not written to you?

Proportionately, in the same time my voice stopped and my throat dried up. All is silence since our last call. His voice is just a nostalgia recorded in audio messages. I still remember your smell, your smile and your look.

Every now and then, I find myself looking at our saved photos on my phone. Believe me, I still haven’t had the courage to delete any of them. Maybe, because it gives me hope for a fresh start. With you, preferably. You can’t imagine how intense it is, in the dark of the night, my prayers wishing you the best blessings.

I wanted to tell you how boring my routine has been. I keep believing in forever and looking, between leaps and bounds, a love that makes me find you. Yes, that’s what you understood, I look for you in other faces, bodies and attitudes. The most frustrating thing about it all is that I can’t find you. You are irreplaceable. Maybe, because I’m still not even close to forgetting you. Or, who knows, because you were, are and always will be, the great love of my life.

Time passes quickly, but I still remember you like it was yesterday. I remember when we argued in the car, we cried, you were intolerant of my stubbornness, I of your sensitivity. We were fragile, inexperienced and completely immature.

Have you ever imagined what our life together would be like today? You with evident marks of learning and evolution, I with a little more patience and love to give you. Professional, emotional stability and a ring on the right hand itching to, soon, be the composition of the left. I dream of you, I idealize us and a future by your side, even if distant. Even if, for that, I have to give up a lot. I will, have no doubts.

I continue walking with crossed steps. I don’t really know which way to go, so I try to control time so that he becomes my ally in waiting. You may not believe my promises, but you know that if you close your eyes and think about how many times I’ve made you smile, you’ll remember the real meaning of relationship. Far beyond pretty words, I made it happen for you and, you, in me you made address.

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I miss you. Your longing terrifies me from the moment I get out of bed, until the moment I fall asleep. I really wanted you to know all this, but I don’t have the courage to tell you. I don’t have the courage to knock on your door in despair and ask you back for me. It’s been so many years, I’m still that crazy in love. A little intolerant when I mix booze with you in my mind, I know that, but it’s the only way to disconnect from the difficult reality of not having you with me.

We got lost, somewhere, I don’t know why. We had respect, passion, love and a lot of happiness. We came across a fork, we decided to go it alone, but I confess that, although our hands are not clasped, your ghost haunts me. I am scared. I’m afraid that feeling will never go away, of finding you on the street with someone else, of leaving our story to fate and it’s not in our favor. I’m afraid of continuing stagnant, wanting you without knowing if this is reciprocal. I’m afraid of falling into reality and it won’t be as I would like. But I’m even more afraid to finish this statement and realize that the happy ending only exists in the hands of great authors.

I don’t want to learn to live without you.