The fog bank: a simple technique to improve social skills

What if we’re driving down the road and suddenly encounter a fog bank? The natural thing is that we reduce speed and brake. This way we can go slower and see the road better. Well, believe it or not, this scene can help us develop and improve our social skills.

All of us, at some point, have had to face an embarrassing moment, have come face to face with some unexpected criticism, or have been involved in a conflict that we did not want to be part of. If we use “the fog bank technique”, we will be able to get out of all these common situations safely.

It is a highly effective resource based on assertiveness that we all deserve to know and apply on a daily basis.

What does the fog bank consist of?

Manuel J. Smith was a psychologist at Brooklyn College and one of the best-known writers on assertiveness and social skills. In his book titled when I say no, I feel guilty explains this well-known strategy to us.

The fog bank technique, also known as “simulated claudication,” consists of create a distraction for those present through a series of strategic phrases, without giving in to our initial position and recognizing the arguments and complaints of others; Thus, our intervention is not considered a direct attack.

Purpose of the technique

The fog bank urges us to slow down, to slow down the emotions we feel and that prompt us to react impulsively. in the face of what is not to our liking. For example, in the event that we receive unexpected criticism, we may feel angry and tempted to react in a way that we do not really want. Humiliating, embarrassing or conflictive situations can bring out a part of ourselves that we believe we cannot control.A part of us that wants to protect ourselves from what we consider an attack or that is exposing us. Thoughts like “he is judging me”, “he doesn’t value me”, “he wants to humiliate me” will provoke a reaction resulting from the nerves and emotions that are on the surface.

Regulate negative thoughts, take control

One of the purposes of the fog bank technique is to regulate negative and irrational thoughts. Because, What happens when we let emotions take complete control of our actions?

We make bad decisions. We react in an inappropriate way, we can generate behaviors that we later regret.

Thanks to the fog bank technique, we can become aware of how important it is to stop. Unless we can see the situation more clearly.

So too We can allow ourselves to observe our emotions to be able to manage their message in the way that most favors us. In this way, our social skills will improve, we will have to apologize less and make fewer repairs.

In short, we can use this technique to:

Say no assertively, so that the other person does not feel it as a stroke personal.Avoid situations in which they make us critics repeated with the aim of manipulating us. Remaining firm in our position when we interact with hostile people.

Learn to apply the fog bank technique

One of the most treacherous temptations – and also one of the ones that most contribute to our survival – is to react immediately to something that catches us off guard.. That something could be, for example, a conflict or criticism.

Many times, instead of giving ourselves time and using the fog bank technique, we react inappropriately: we argue, we get angry, we lose control.

What are the steps to apply it?

First of all, we must remember the key aspect of this technique. It consists of being partly right while maintaining integrity and one’s own point of view. Something that seems so difficult can be achieved in a simple way.

An example: someone tells us that we are too soft at work and that we have no initiative. It is a complete criticism. What we will do is the following:A) We recognize a part of truth in that statement: it is true that I may seem soft, I won’t deny it. But being thoughtful and cautious allows me to make better decisions. The initiative that bears fruit starts with patience and personal security. B) We will not lose our calm, We will not give in to our position, but we will not get carried away by our emotions..

If we put into practice the fog bank technique in the event that a friend told us that we could not always meet up with him, due to our work or certain obligations, we would not argue, we would not react with reproaches and irritation.

That would be the instinctive and emotional reaction, so to speak. However, With the fog bank technique our way of proceeding would probably be very different. Faced with our friend’s accusation, we would stop our impulses and say, “I understand that you are angry because you think I am never for you.” We are not saying that we agree, but we are sending a message to our friend. We understand what he thinks is going on, which will at least calm things down a bit.

This will give us time to reflect on the situation and be able to talk about what happened when no one is angry or upset. This way we can make our friend understand that not always meeting does not mean never meeting, and that he also has an important space in our life, even if he has to coexist with our responsibilities and work.

Recommendations to apply the technique

Some suggestions to apply the technique well are:

Give reasons, but never justifications. The moment we make excuses or justify ourselves, we are beginning to give in. Recognize that others may have their opinions, even if we do not like them. Maintain a calm, confident and firm attitude. Control the tone of voice and language so as not to see be aggressive.Reflect what the other person tells us by paraphrasing it. The ideal is to use the same words, adding a phrase that makes our position clear. Prevent the conversation from deviating, in order to close it conveniently.

As we have seen, The fog bank is a technique to improve social skills that we should all put into practice, at least in the situations that can harm us the most. This way we would see how effective it is, how it helps us relate in a healthier way and also manage our emotions better.

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