The 9 pillars of the couple

A relationship is a complex scenario full of dynamics, encounters, disagreements, needs, desires, and various often unrecognized fears.. Building solid pillars that support the bond requires exquisite diligence on the part of both protagonists. It is a team effort where we combine wills, efforts and motivations for the good of the relationship.

We all know that couple who, to our admiration, has spent almost half their lives sharing the same project. Now, as experts in this type of therapy tell us, Beyond the years in which that bond is maintained is its quality. The key, therefore, is in perceived satisfaction, in the capacity for growth and in that whole series of strategies that we have learned to develop to sustain the relationship to be happy.

So, Knowing what the pillars of a happy, mature and conscious couple are will allow us to integrate those same perspectives, that always useful and healthy approach into the core of our relationship.. At the end of the day, love, no matter how intense and relevant it may seem to us, is not enough to alleviate the psychological anguish that occurs when we do not know how to solve a problem, when we act based only on our own needs, when discrepancies appear and We don’t know how to reach agreements…

Why does a couple fail?

John Gottman is arguably one of the best-known researchers and experts in predicting divorce and marital instability. His studies have lasted decades and his contribution to this field is undoubtedly very extensive. Thus, in one of his works he explains that the difference between happy and unhappy couples lies in the balance between positive and negative interactions during the conflict.

Relationships often fail because they fail the pillars of the couple, those aimed at offering stability and security within it. Therefore, Failure, in many cases, is due to the appearance of such serious dynamics as criticism, lack of empathy, the impossibility of putting oneself in the other person’s shoes and without a doubt one of the most relevant: lack of communication.

The pillars of the couple must be worked on from the beginning of the relationship

It is convenient that the pillars of the couple All ties are established at the beginning, just when the people who make it up are getting to know each other. At that moment, it is essential to dialogue, get to know each other and reach agreements that both members are satisfied with. These dimensions are equivalent to the wheels of a truck, If one pillar fails for some reason, they all need to be checked again, as the couple is in danger.

Frequently the couple continues for a while even with the absence of some pillar, with the deterioration that this entails, until they finally break up, the breakup being very painful, since the time it was maintained no longer worked well and that did nothing more than add problems to the relationship itself.

What are the 9 fundamental pillars of relationships?

Mainly, we will talk about 9 pillars of the couplealthough they can be as many as each couple considers appropriate. Let’s look at them below.

1. Love

Love is a fundamental pillar, as much as any of the rest. To establish this pillar it is essential that there is a feeling towards the other personto the same extent that the other person also feels it.

For love to be a strong and secure pillar, we will have to know whatThroughout the different stages of the couple, this will vary in its manifestation, however, the feeling will strengthen with the passage of time. if the rest of pillars of the couple they remain stable.

2. Communication

Communication is the channel through which the couple will resolve their differences and grow by making decisions. and reaching agreements satisfactory to both. It is advisable to establish exclusive moments for the couple to communicate, share and decide together, since this pillar is undoubtedly one of the most relevant.

Communicating means listen and express feelings, a basic and essential exercise to really get to know each other and enhance trust between us. In fact, studies such as the one carried out at the University of Georgia and published in the Journal of Marriage and Family They explain to us that good communication is a predictor of the happiness and stability of the couple.

3. Respect

Respect between both members of the couple is implicit in relationships that are maintained over time, that grow and prosper happily. Respecting others is growing together, in step, without impositions, without expectations on the other, without emotional dependence, and without aggression. When there is respect, love and proper communication can exist.

4. Share the same values

Each person has their own individual scale of values. When we start a relationship we have to build a scale of common valuesand it is necessary that many of them converge, those that will allow us to agree on the same fundamental principles, on relevant decisions with which to converge in the same direction.

We cannot neglect this dimension. As explained to us in a study carried out in the Canterbury University In 2010, every person must defend and assume values ​​to feel good about themselves, be coherent and take care of their self-esteem. If in our relationship the other person does not share our values ​​or boycotts them, we will experience pain and unhappiness.

5. Knowing how to live together, knowing how to share

For every couple, the stage comes when they consider a shared life. If at a given moment one of the two states that they do not want it, it is advisable to make it clear to the other person, so that when the time comes, both feel secure in their own path.

On the other hand, when the moment arrives, it is convenient to have established the agreements of this basic pillar, such as, for example, the economic agreements, the way of living together, the distribution of domestic tasks, the organization of space and the homeetc.

6. Respect personal space, encourage the growth of others

Being a member of a relationship does not in any case mean ceasing to be oneself. For it, It is convenient to clearly express who I am, in terms of tastes, opinions, ideology, individual values, social relationships, etc. The couple has to be a safe place where we respect spaces, encourage growth, where we can be part of a common project, but at the same time feel free to continue with our distinctive goals.

7. Together but free

This dimension is related to what was previously mentioned. In any healthy relationship, personal freedom still exists. Each member is the one who decides to remain in or not in that relationship of their own free will, as well as decide together what the pillars of the couple.

We cannot forget that in every relationship there are three scenarios: the one constituted by the couple themselves, the one that defines both of us individually, and that place where everything must come together in harmony: you, me, us and the relationship, where nothing oppresses, everything flows and everything advances thanks to understanding and respect.

8. Illusions and projects

The couple grows when they have shared projects and dreams. An example of this is the decision to have a family. When two people decide to share projects and fight for them, there is even more, if possible, the feeling of union between them, since they discover that unity is strength and that they go further together than separately.

Walking towards a project may not be easy, but it is very satisfying for the couple when the rest of the pillars are firm and provide solidity and security to the couple. Commitment and responsibility do not take away freedombut rather it increases personal worth, by fighting and later achieving what one wants for one’s life.

9. Fidelity

Fidelity is an agreement and another way of living sexual and emotional relationships.. It is only up to the couple to decide how they want to approach this pillar, an essential condition being that it is a mutual agreement, and by which both feel safe and have full confidence in each other. This is something that we must make clear from the beginning.

To conclude, as we have seen, the pillars of the couple configure those essential dimensions that we should all work on. Neglecting one would directly affect the others. Likewise, we must remember that it would be useless if the entire task fell on the same person. A relationship is a team where both members count, where the scales must always be balanced and the gazes placed in the same direction.

You might be interested…