Do we have the love we think we deserve?

Fact Checked

Under review

There are those who limit themselves to accepting the love they believe they deserve (even if it hurts), because it is the type of affection they have always received. What can be done in these cases?

Many of us have the love we think we deserve. Perhaps, for this reason, we end up trapped in relationships that hurt, in bonds that overshadow all forms of happiness. The truth is that it is difficult to understand why we give truth to this type of mental narratives, those in which we assume that it is better to put up with the intolerable so as not to be left alone…

More than one will say that the cause of this reality is low self-esteem. However, there are more complex and deeper dynamics. Many times, as children we integrate a series of psycho-affective schemes that completely determine how we conceive love. Let’s be clear, Few will know how to love themselves if they have never been loved; especially in childhood.

It is very difficult to demand healthy love if we have never received it.. In fact, the human being is that creature capable of falling into one harmful relationship after another without really knowing the reason. Those in which you only receive emotional crumbs.

What’s more, we ourselves may have more than one friend trapped in a relationship of dependency and unhappiness. It doesn’t matter how many times we tell them that “you deserve better.” If the person fears loneliness more than a coexistence of ups and downs and affections that hurt, it will be very difficult to convince them of the former. Although this does not mean that we should give up. Sooner or later, the person ends up opening his eyes…

Just as they loved you, you will understand love.

Many times we are conditioned by the type of relationship our parents had and the affection they gave us.

Read Also: Can a psychopath fall in love?

The dangerous feeling of lack in love

How much love do you think you deserve? What kind of esteem are you willing to receive? Many times we should reflect on these ideas before jumping into a new relationship. Because It is very possible that our mind is subject to what we could define as a feeling of lack. That is, assuming that in order to alleviate our loneliness, it is enough for us to have anyone by our side.

However, happiness is not having another person next to the sofa, the bed and the table where we eat. For that, it is more uplifting to share time with friends or adopt a pet. Surely, it offers us a much more valid and authentic affection.

Every healthy and happy relationship is built with a love that builds, nourishes and validates. We cannot settle for less.

Despite this, we do it. We accept embers of poisoned affections and repeat relational patterns often based on codependency and suffering. Because in many cases, We accept the love we think we deserve based on how we feel. If our heart is full of emptiness, sadness and anxiety, it is very easy to accept whatever comes in order to alleviate those inner wounds.

When starting a relationship, we are conditioned by dozens of unconscious variables that we have never stopped to detect.

Negative patterns we fall into when we accept less than we deserve

Do we have the love we think we deserve? Regardless of what we think, it is good (and necessary) that we ask ourselves this question every time we start a relationship.

This question will allow us to reflect on dimensions that, perhaps, we are overlooking. Because it is very easy to drift into negative relational patterns and assume that they are common dynamics in every couple, when this is not the case.

Read Also: Sweetness is the intelligence of sensitivity

These would be just an example:

Believing that you must change your values, customs, dreams and hobbies to adapt to your partner. Perceiving that your partner criticizes you or sanctions many of the things you do or say.Continuously put the other person’s needs before your own.Hide from your friends and family that your partner yells at you, treats you badly, and embarrasses you. What’s more, you even try not to give excessive importance to these dynamics.Your partner has failed you many times, but you continue to forgive her and give her new opportunities. You know that you are not happy, but you tell yourself almost every day that relationships are like that, that it is necessary to endure. Sooner or later the relationship will improve and every sacrifice will be worth it. Which never happens.

Our emotional memory drives us to repeat patterns from the past

What is the origin of this perception?

People have the love that we believe we deserve because we act based on our previous experiences. That is the key, our previous filming, our early experiences and the quality of the bonds that have woven our existence.

Because make no mistake, when starting a relationship, an infinite number of unconscious mechanisms are activated that determine many of the traps we fall into. Let us now analyze what origin there may be behind this perception.

The type of attachment we were raised with

Just as they loved you, you will love. It seems a little too categorical, but the truth is that this rule is fulfilled in almost 80% of cases. Researchers from the University of Minnesota highlight the relationship between the type of attachment we were raised with and the quality of relationships in adulthood.

In this way, people who established a type of anxious-ambivalent attachment from their parents develop a constant fear of being abandoned or not being loved by their partners.

Read Also: The premotor cortex: characteristics and functions

Life experiences

To a large extent, we are all the result of our experiences. Some of us are conditioned more than others and, sometimes, we can carry more than one trauma or experience that has not been overcome. Losing a father, a mother, having suffered mistreatment, abuse, bullying at school and even witnessing bad relationships between our parents…

All of this can skew the idea we have of love and what we deserve.

Self-concept and self-esteem

They look the same, but they are not. Self-concept (the image we have of ourselves) and self-esteem (the way we evaluate ourselves) also define the love we believe we deserve. A negative schema towards one’s own person, rejecting our body, undervaluing our worth and competencies are behind these unhappy and failed relationships.

To conclude, it is important to remember one aspect once again. Falling in love is an instinctive and illogical act, it is true. However, Although we cannot control who we fall in love with, we must evaluate what kind of love we deserve.. Let us avoid being our own enemies by tolerating the intolerable.

Let’s encourage self-love to set limits on what we should never experience: suffering. If they are not loving you as you deserve, perhaps the cause is in you because you do not love yourself as you need either. Take action.