The 12 rules of a dysfunctional narcissistic family

There are a series of dynamics that build the foundations of a dysfunctional narcissistic family.. These are behaviors in which the figure of the parents stands as the sole center of power and attention. The education and upbringing of children is oriented exclusively to satisfying the needs of the first ones so that little by little, an environment is built based on manipulation, unhappiness and also negligence.

These scenarios are factories of absolute emotional suffering. Likewise, we cannot leave aside one aspect: growing up in a dysfunctional environment orchestrated by behaviors based on submission and psychological exhaustion, has a great psychological impact. Many of these children reach maturity with the shadow of a trauma orchestrated during those childhood years.

In fact, It is very common for narcissistic families to be defined as small sectsgroups that psychologically undermine their own for years, thereby leaving serious consequences in the short and long term…

The rules of a dysfunctional narcissistic family

Many people go to psychological therapy to discover that their depression, generalized anxiety disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder is the effect of a dysfunctional narcissistic family. Because the truth is that When one grows up in a harmful family environment, one is not always aware that these figures fit a narcissistic pattern..

The only thing that is perceived is the constant violation, the lack of affection, the emotional detachment and the impact of criticism that restricts and destroys. We also have multiple scientific documentation that tells us about this topic. Thus, research works such as those carried out in the Bahuaddin University, in Pakistan, tells us something interesting about it.

On average, in these family units the narcissistic figure is exercised by the father. All the dynamics of manipulation, control and psychological submission fall on this figure. So, generally, the rest of the members always act according to the duties and needs of the parent, completely neglecting themselves.

Let’s see, therefore, the rules of a dysfunctional narcissistic family.

1. Assume and accept everything (the fear of disapproval)

The driving force behind these familiar scenarios is fear and submission. The narcissist (or narcissists, in the case of both parents) sets the guidelines and mandates. No one can go outside those lines, you have to accept everything that is said, ordered or thought. It is mandatory, for example, to have the same opinions, the same values, to conform 200% to the family narrative…

Therefore, what undoubtedly defines children in these situations is the fear of disapproval, of not being as the narcissist wants.

2. Worship the narcissist (your needs don’t matter)

Research work such as those carried out at the University of Wollongong, in Australia, reminds us that the narcissistic personality is defined by very specific traits. They evidence a pathological grandiosity combined with great vulnerability. This means that they need constant reinforcement, to be validated, admired…

So, In the environment of a dysfunctional narcissistic family, only the needs of the narcissist will matter. Those of the others will come in second place.

3. Do not show weakness, much less your feelings

Don’t make mistakes, don’t show fallibility and most importantly: don’t dare show your emotions. Narcissists will not hesitate to ridicule and shame you for it, for every tear, for every mistake made… They are skillful boycotters of self-esteem.

4. You will take the blame for everything

One of the traits of the dysfunctional narcissistic family is the projection of blame. Every time the narcissistic figure (or figures) do poorly in some aspect, such as work, they will always put the responsibility on their own. It is a harmful and clearly destructive behavior that leaves serious consequences.

5. The dysfunctional narcissistic family and self-deception

“Our family is the best, the others are irresponsible, false or inept.” These types of verbalizations are a constant in environments dominated by a narcissist. It is common for them to highlight the virtues that define them (all false), thereby managing to convince their children that their home is the best in the world.

6. There is no love for everyone, so there will be “favorites”

The narcissistic figure is the focus towards which all attention must be directed. The needs, desires and opinions of others do not matter, only the figure that holds power in that family unit matters. Therefore, another recurring factor is the lack of affection, healthy attachment, validation and recognition to many of the members that make up that home.

However, a fact occurs. It is common for the narcissist to have a favorite: a golden child. It is those children towards whom concessions and compliments are shown, thus discriminating against others. However, this favorite child carries on his shoulders the obligation to meet all the narcissist’s expectations and this is also a notable source of suffering.

7. Keeping up appearances: we are happy

Nobody knows what happens in an inward-facing home. There are families that appear happy and a clear example of harmony and this is what happens with the dysfunctional narcissistic family. Few would guess the dynamics of wear and tear that are experienced inside.

8. Anger (externalized or repressed) is a constant in the dysfunctional narcissistic family

The narcissist is a frustrated person who needs the attention of others to strengthen his image. However, he rarely feels satisfied and this feeling, that anger, ends up being projected onto the other members of the family.

On the other hand, children also quietly accumulate the same anger. The unhappiness and anger experienced by each experience and submission accumulates and often even becomes somatized.

9. Denial: nothing that happens is problematic

One of the reasons why someone who has lived in a dysfunctional narcissistic family ends up needing psychological help is because of a fact. Over the years they have taken for granted that everything they experienced was normal. The abuse, criticism, humiliation, emotional manipulation and the atmosphere of fear condensing every corner of the house were seen as commonplace. Also as something that they had to hide, silence and deny.

10. You will have no identity or initiative

You will be prevented from having your own ideals and values. You will have great problems building your identity and you will also lack initiative. Because narcissistic families are psychological prisons based on submission and cancellation.

11. Some family members will inherit the narcissistic personality

It is a fact that occurs with high frequency: Some children raised by narcissistic parents end up inheriting (or modeling) that same personality. Others, however, when the time comes, will try by all means to distance themselves from that familiar scenario.

12. It’s not easy to get out of a dysfunctional narcissistic family, but in the end, you will make it.

The dysfunctional narcissistic family acts with the same psychological mechanisms as a cult. They mentally override people and make them believe that they are nothing without them. Mental dependence, fear and indecision make it difficult in many cases for these children to become independent.

However, It is a vital necessity to separate yourself from those harmful ties that do not allow growth, that subjugate and nullify personalities. Therefore, if we find ourselves in this same situation right now, do not hesitate to ask for help. There are good professionals who can advise us and offer us resources, support and mechanisms of action.

You might be interested…