The game of seduction: what does psychology say?

Seduction, contrary to what many people may believe, is not a concept attributable only to the sexual or erotic sphere. In our daily lives there are many situations in which we have to “seduce” in one way or another..

Don’t we have to seduce the person who gives us a job interview? Or those who come to see one of our exhibitions? Seducing consists of convincing, persuading to a person or group of people so that they choose us in a certain context or choose an option that interests us.

The word ‘seduction’ comes from Latin seducewhich combines the suffix HE (separation) with the verb ducere (guide or direct), and involves separating or directing someone out of their way or position. This is just the original meaning, but Throughout history it has been given different meanings.

Is in the Biblein its translation into Latin, where this verb has a much more specific connotation, reducing its meaning to the act of deception or concealment of information to obtain some reward (when Eve is seduced by the serpent in the garden of Eden).

However, on this occasion we are going to address the most popular and widespread meaning of seduction, which implies a suggestion or a conviction to achieve an erotic encounter or any type of erotic or emotional connection.

Is seducing a game?

Absolutely yes, it is. Seducing is a very complex game; sometimes pleasant, sometimes fun, sometimes unfair, sometimes painful, sometimes frustrating… But a game, and the first thing you should do is try to understand it; its rules, its tricks, its risks, its limits and its times.

If we have all this information we will be able to decide whether to play or not, and we will be able to know how to play in the event that we decide to play seduction. If you decide to play seduction it is because every aspect of the game has been taken into account. and, on the scale, pleasure or satisfaction has weighed more than pain or suffering.

Seducing is not a zero-sum game in which if you “win”, the other person “loses”. Rather, it could be included within cooperative games: those in which the participants do not compete, but rather seek joint benefit. In fact, more than being a cooperative game per se, If in the process of seducing the game it becomes cooperative, it will be an unmistakable sign that it is being played well.

In the same way that it is about framing seduction within game theory, it is also necessary to separate it from some myths that surround it. Seduction is not mathematical, it is not exact or excessively predictable..

Movies like Hitch: hookup specialist (2005) have reinforced ideas such as the guru who gives “infallible” advice about how to flirt or seduce, regardless of anything else. This idea is very far from reality, because There are so many variables that come into play when seducing that it is impossible to control them all.

What psychological variables influence seduction?

Psychology comes to our rescue to better understand seduction. This discipline, through the scientific study of human behavior, introduces us to what variables are determining factors in the game, in order to be able to give our best version.

These variables are far from being advice, guidelines or instructions that work universally in any context and with any person, but rather they describe what should be taken into account when participating in this game.

Self-knowledge and acceptance

To the extent that we know ourselves at all levels, we can be the ones who set the limits. that have to do with what we like and what we don’t like, as well as knowing how far we can go in the game.

There are contexts that favor us more and contexts in which we will not be able to show our best version.. Accepting oneself as one is, an exercise much more difficult than it may seem beforehand, seems inevitable in order to be able to play the best cards when it comes to seducing.

Expectations

It is one of the variables that can cause the most discomfort, because it is a source of misunderstandings and confusion when it is not taken into account. Setting realistic expectations is a way to prevent uncomfortable situations and avoid suffering..

In the same way that having too high expectations regarding maintaining a relationship with someone can frustrate us – if this relationship does not end up happening -, setting expectations that are too low will prevent us from having a relaxed and secure attitude.

Attention

Going into the basic psychological processes, attention is the process that allows us to discriminate between what is important and what is not, which makes it a main variable when it comes to seducing.

Attention will allow us to focus our cognitive resources on actions how to pay attention to the communication of the person with whom we play to seduce, their physical features, their way of dressing, their style, the other people who are around us and all the context clues that they give us in some way. of information that we consider relevant, prioritizing them over other types of stimuli.

Perception

It is the ability we have to obtain direct information from the environment through our senses. Although attention allows us to focus and discriminate between stimuli, perception allows us to process and interpret them and thus choose the best option to interact.

In seduction, only what we perceive is not an option. We must give meaning to the verbal cues that are provided to us, to non-verbal communication, and even to sets of stimuli that are, in principle, unimportant, such as smells, since there is more and more literature on them. especially pheromones.

Memory

It is not only important to obtain information from our playmate, but also to retain this information: work with it. The ways of retaining information give rise to the two main types of memory:

short term memoryis what could help us retain information that will no longer be available shortly after being received – unless we make an effort otherwise or it has elements that make it very easy to encode -, such as a telephone number. or an address.Long term memory, which can be used to retain information from the day on which you interacted with a person, making that information available for a possible second date or meeting, and through the recovery of information on biographical facts, to make them available to a conversation; For example, being able to talk about the first concert we have been to in a conversation about musical tastes and experiences.

Motivation

Is related to the amount of resources we are willing to use in order to obtain a specific result. That is, motivation represents the degree of interest you have in doing something.

In seduction, it is advisable to do a small exercise of introspection to know how motivated we are with the game, and make sure that we are playing at seducing with the person we want and in the way we want and not because there is another type of motivation different from that which has to do with the game itself. There are two types of motivations:

Extrinsic motivationwhich represents the interest one has in achieving a goal, regardless of the process until achieving it (the process until obtaining a driving license, or studying with the sole intention of obtaining a degree that we need).Intrinsic motivation, which is one that represents interest in the process itself until reaching the goal, rather than the goal itself (learning to cook or read a book). In the game of seduction, it is recommended to have intrinsic motivation, oriented on the process, on the game itself, rather than on the goal or the result.

Emotion

And how could emotions not be present! It is the essence of the game, that it excites us. At the beginning it was said that playing at seduction will not always bring us pleasure, but there is no doubt that it will always excite us, and if not, maybe I don’t know your game.

What’s more, in that hypothetical balance in which the advantages of playing outweigh the disadvantages, emotions have to be present, to a greater or lesser extent. Whether the game excites us or not should have a lot of weight when deciding whether or not to seduce at a given moment.

Sexual or erotic desire and seduction

Sexual or erotic desire, a very complex concept, difficult to describe and with a very high motivational power, is closely related to seduction. It probably makes little sense to try to seduce someone we don’t erotically desire. Desire is also a variable to take into account in seduction. Specifically, it is a sexological variable that can determine our way of playing in the following ways:

direction of desire

When we seduce we look for a specific goal. On the erotic level, There are two types of directions that have to do with the goal, with the realization of our desires and with its nature.

In this way, we can talk about the “desire of the one“, which represents the desire for a specific person, without going too deep into what is done in an intimate relationship (when we desire someone, and we don’t care much about whether to do one thing or another with that someone in a future relationship), and On the other hand, the “desire for what“, refers more to the desire to carry out a very specific type of erotic activity, with being able to carry it out weighing more than who to do it with. To seduce we have to adapt our way of playing to our direction of erotic desire.

Roles of desire in seduction

It refers to the way we play, to what behavioral mechanisms we activate to seduce that person we desire. These roles are determined, above all, by our personality traits. Thus, There are two trends in this regard:

The erastia, which is defined as the role of “desirer”, in which the person stands as active and is the one who takes the initiative (carrying out the first approach, adopting an active attitude, communicating in a more direct way, praising and flattering… ).The eromenia, that is defined as the role of “desired”, in which the person seduces from an attitude of being desired and, above all, of feeling desired.

Is seduction a gender issue?

Gender is a social construction and influences seduction. It is difficult for a boy and a girl, of the same age, with the same academic training, similar personality traits and in the same location, to have a similar history of seduction.

This is explained because in the game of seduction, today, there is a clear reflection of machismo, and that is that Socially, the game of seduction is still much more penalized if it is carried out by a woman than by a man. This…