The 10 factors that negatively affect self-esteem

As Silvia Congost, psychologist and author of 'Automatic Self-Esteem' (Zenith, 2015), explains to Infosalus, our self-esteem is formed from the recognition, approval and affection of our parents And although up to 30% of how we see the world comes from genetics, the good news is that up to 70% depends on the environmentwhich leaves a wide margin to change the less positive aspects.

For the author, although our self-esteem is formed in childhood and youth, During adult life its levels fluctuate and for times when it is low, there are tools to improve it and keep us at stable and healthy levels.

“The concept of self-esteem experienced a 'boom' in the 70s but has continued to develop because we are increasingly more aware of ourselves, we want to understand ourselves better, achieve our vital goals and have a better quality of life,” says Congost.

The psychologist explains to Infosalus 10 of the aspects that work against us when it comes to keeping our self-esteem in good shape and some alternatives to counteract them:

1. The self-dialogue of disapproval: Always highlighting what we do wrong does not lead to anything good. The opposite option is recognition, looking for the positive aspects we have, since we all have potential and valuable individual qualities.

2. Compare ourselves with others: Because the usual thing is to do it in a sense of disapproval, when comparing we should use modeling and be constructive to aspire to what another person has achieved and that we like. “In younger children, negative comparisons with siblings or cousins, for example, can lead to them developing insecurity,” says Congost.

3. Don't set limits: The limits mark the border of our dignity, that which is not negotiable. Although with the small things of everyday life we ​​must know how to adapt and be flexible, what makes us feel bad should not have a place, it is outside these limits and in this way we must make it known.

4. Not being assertive: Having the ability to express what we don't want is not easy, which is why we have to reflect, stop for a moment and ask ourselves whether or not we want to do what they ask of us. “We must not forget about ourselves because this will make us unhappy, we must avoid the fear of rejection or not pleasing others, we must learn to say no with respect,” says the author.

5. Not respecting ourselves: We have to learn to treat ourselves well and avoid unconstructive behaviors that make us feel bad. Therefore, playing sports and taking care of ourselves are part of that respect that we owe each other.

6. Surround ourselves with toxic people: These people do not make us feel good, so we must distance ourselves as much as possible, reduce the time we share with them without feeling the moral obligation to do so, and put up the necessary barriers to protect ourselves.

7. Not taking responsibility for our emotions: Anything that does not make us feel good is also our responsibility since even if it is triggered by a person or situation we always have the option to act accordingly and avoid damage. “It is our responsibility to make a change and go in another direction if something makes us feel bad. We must be aware of what it is up to us to change and if necessary ask for psychological help to do so,” says Congost.

8. Establish relationships of emotional dependence: This dependency is very destructive and leaves us exhausted. “It is necessary to stop and reflect on what we are looking for in a partner and what makes us happy and not go out of our way to try to change the other person we have already chosen to be a certain way,” says the psychologist.

A relationship of this type is the one told in the literary bestseller '50 Shades of Grey' but, unlike the novel, Congost points out that in the real world, if the girl does not leave in time, these stories usually end in situations where that the woman is trapped in the role of savior while in the man there is no awareness of having a problem or any intention to change.

9. Not having vital objectives: On a day-to-day basis we should think about the most important areas of our lives and reflect on how we want them to be in a certain period of time that we ourselves will set. “This thought of knowing what our life is about and where we are going prevents us from feelings of drift, loss or anxiety and gives us security and direction,” says Congost.

10. Cultivate negative thoughts about yourself: We maintain an internal dialogue that, if it is not, must be transformed into a positive one. “When we talk to people who we can consider 'toxic' we can feel how they are the fruit of all kinds of negative thoughts that actually cause this discomfort,” says Congost who concludes that we should not get carried away by thoughts of complaint and bitterness that do not lead to no positive change.