Signs to recognize a toxic relationship early on

If you fall in love very easily without really knowing the person, are constantly haunted by thoughts about them, or if your mood is completely dependent on details like whether the person you love called today, then it could be a sign that you are prone to an unhealthy emotional dependence. People who don’t have enough self-love usually enter this dependence and try to find it in the other. From there arises a vicious circle of toxic relationships from which, fortunately, there is a way out.

Emotionally dependent people turn their partner into their “deity”: their whole life revolves around the other, on whom their happiness or unhappiness also depends. They try to completely absorb the partner, controlling each of their steps, always having the role of the victim in the relationship, and deep down in their hearts they delight in suffering.

Family psychotherapist Darlene Lancer writes that true love and emotional dependence are different things, and you need to learn to tell them apart.

At Incrível.club we collect alarming signs that indicate the beginning of an unhealthy addiction. Don’t fall into the trap of a toxic relationship.

There are people who are very easy to fall in love with, and after the first date, they float back into the house with happy thoughts: “It’s him (or she) I’ve been looking for!” Unfortunately, most of the time, this is not so. Try to calm down after seeing who made your eyes sparkle.

Take a break for a few days between dates, try to be alone from time to time, dedicate yourself to doing something that completely distracts you from thinking about that person.

During the first few dates, listen more than you talk and listen carefully. If a person blurts out the phrase, “It won’t be easy being with me,” it’s probably true. If your partner mentions, even casually or as a joke, that he likes to drink or has other bad habits and problems, don’t think that’s just a way of saying it.

It is not necessary to assure the person that “everything will be ok, we will get through it”. She’s not warning you to be strong and ready. These words mean “I don’t like you, go away” or “I want to, but only on these terms.” Do you really need a relationship like this? This is by no means what you should say to a person who really likes someone. So, moderate your emotion and think if it’s really worth arranging a new date.

Test your ability to say no to your partner. Do not hesitate to reject invitations to events that are not interesting, to meet at times of day that are uncomfortable for you, inappropriate requests, premature affection and invitations to start an intimate relationship for which you are not yet ready. The “I’d rather agree with him/her than give long explanations of why I don’t want it, and he/she will be offended” attitude won’t do. Don’t forget about yourself to please the other person, no one will benefit from it.

Maintain relationships with people who are your friends before and will be your friends after, regardless of the presence or absence of a partner. When we are very much in love, we don’t want to think about anyone except the owner of our heart, and when we meet our friends, we only talk about him/her.

Don’t forget that your friends have feelings too. And their heads aren’t as congested as yours right now. So it would be better if you introduce your new love as soon as possible. Maybe they see something you don’t and prevent you from plunging into a toxic relationship. And if your partner doesn’t want to meet your friends and family, it’s another reason to think about whether he really likes you.

Don’t give up your favorite activities. With the arrival of a new person, your life should be enriched and not impoverished. Useful tools and sports equipment shouldn’t be left in a corner, gathering dust, and photos of your partner shouldn’t replace diplomas and medals on the wall.

An enthusiastic person with many interests is very attractive as a partner. Don’t make the person you love the center of your universe, don’t put your happiness, your well-being and your mood at their dependence. No one can bear such a heavy burden.

Listen to your feelings, doubts and suspicions. If something about your partner’s behavior bothers you, don’t hesitate to say so right away and talk about it. Don’t expect him or her to change on their own someday. It is enough to say just once what you don’t like, so that a person who truly values ​​you will make an effort to change the situation.

Don’t justify their actions against you with childhood trauma, lack of time because of work or problems with your mother, or adopt the position of a rescuer. If he continues to act the same way, and you constantly end up in the victim role, don’t close your eyes, something is obviously wrong.

If you suddenly find yourself doing something you’ve never done before, just because your partner likes it, that’s a reason to start thinking. Replacing your beliefs with your partner’s means that you’ve already lost an important part of yourself and that soon nothing will be left of you.

You run the risk of being just a shadow of your boyfriend or girlfriend. This can be a cause of serious problems, including health ones.

Fear of loneliness or a past betrayal should not poison the relationship in the present. Are the reasons for being jealous real or are they just in your imagination? You run the risk of losing your partner, not to someone else, but through your own fault: no one can stand constant mistrust, the need to calm him down and show him love all the time. The opposite also happens: the reasons for being jealous are the most real, but instead of hearing “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was painful for you, I won’t do it anymore”, you hear it again and again “it’s just your imagination”. You try to close your eyes and convince everyone (especially yourself) that you have a beautiful and strong partner, but fears and doubts eat you up inside. A relationship like this cannot be called happy.

When we are in love, we want to be close to the object of our worship at all times. Don’t smother your partner with excessive attention. Don’t live floating in love, remember the daily tasks and responsibilities you’ve neglected. Leave space for your partner, don’t try to find out absolutely everything about the other person.

Try not to focus on bad thoughts like “what if he’s with someone else?” That’s because he really might be with the other one, but you won’t change a thing with your anxiety. So it’s best to pay attention to your behavior in general. Don’t fill all your time and all your mind with your partner. Then you will be more interesting in the eyes of the other person.

In a state of infatuation, we tend to see our partner through rose-colored glasses. It’s important to pay attention not only to how he behaves with you (we all try to show our best side to a potential partner), but also how he treats others.

If on the first date the man is gallant and smiling with you, but suddenly starts yelling at the waitress because she mixed up the dishes, it’s a bad sign. After a while, when the initial passion wanes, you might be the waitress if it takes 20 minutes instead of 10 to get ready to go to the movies.

Psychologist Olga Chizh gives simple advice on how to help yourself when emotions and feelings overwhelm you.

1. Take responsibility from your partner for your emotional state. You, and you alone, are responsible for it.

2. Don’t constantly think about what your partner is doing right now, what their words meant, how to understand their actions, etc. Don’t allow imagination and negative conjectures to plague you. Return to the “here and now”. To achieve this, staying focused on the breath can help.

3. Find a comfortable place in your body and mentally place there “an internal observer”, a part of you that maintains objectivity in any situation without succumbing to emotions. Look around you through the eyes of your “inner observer”. You are overwhelmed by feelings towards your loved one, but that is not all of you.

4. Find helpful resources: What can encourage and distract you from obsessive thoughts about your partner? A cup of coffee, a good movie or a book, some physical activity, a scented bath, a conversation with a friend? All means are good.

If nothing helps and you feel like you can’t get out of a complicated and painful relationship, don’t hesitate to contact a psychotherapist.

Have you ever had an unhealthy emotional dependency experience in your life? How did you get through this phase?