She wants to talk, he wants to escape

Lack of communication is one of the main problems in couples. That’s not new. But in this case we are referring to a situation that will probably be familiar to you: when the woman wants to talk, but the man wants to escape.

Is this a gender problem? Why does the same thing always happen? Who has given us that role of speaking or escaping? Of course They are different, but they also have many things in common.. This is precisely what we should strengthen when living as a couple.

Woman who speaks, man who is silent

What we observe when analyzing several couples is that They opt more for verbal communication than men. When they identify a problem as a couple, they understand that it can hardly be solved if it is not talked about. Men seem more inclined to take action or be patient while waiting for the storm to go away.

What is right and what is wrong? Neither thing nor another. They are two different ways of being and we must understand them. Men find it harder to say what they feel, share your problems and even report good news. They prefer to escape.

Many think that speaking will be synonymous with putting themselves at risk. In general, it is a field in which men feel unskilled. and they are afraid of slipping.

For their part, women feel safe participating in a conversation that talks about feelings. They feel that it is the starting point for almost everything. They use words to tell stories, but also to demand or express their emotions.

Talk to vent, escape to think

Let’s take a simple example: a couple made up of Inés and Jorge. They both work outside the home and in their respective offices things are not well. The two of them must cross the traffic of the city center, argue with the boss, think about the money that is becoming less and less…

When they return home, Jorge will sit on the couch to escape from problems and distract himself with a soccer game. But Inés will want to talk about what has happened to her. One opts for internal management of their problems, the other for shared management of them.

As John Gray says in his book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, The big difference between the sexes is that when they have a problem they become introverted. and concentrate on other tasks. They hide in their cave and isolate themselves, it is difficult for them to ask for advice or delegate tasks to others.

They appear emotional, and for men they can be overwhelming. The way they alleviate their fears is by talking, emptying themselves inside, although not always with the objective of seeking or listening to solutions and opinions.

She and he have to understand each other

Beyond the biological, social or evolutionary differences, the truth is that We cannot sit idly by every time we have to solve a situation. or chat about a particular topic.

We will start with a lesson for women. It is necessary to understand why the couple hides in that cave and feels safe there.. That intimate and unbreakable place where no one can access allows you to reflect and make decisions once the storm has passed.

If you stand on the threshold and want to cross that territory, even asking permission, it will be very difficult for you to be welcomed. Better wait for him to decide to leave. The good thing is that in the meantime you will both calm down and be able to find a more effective solution.

Now a lesson for men. When the partner asks about what is happening and tries to get us to stay with them, instead of taking refuge, face the situation. They need to express themselves with words, gestures and even crying and laughter to show what is happening to them.. And they need to feel supported by the man and for him to listen to them.

Where is the middle point?

How to achieve balance? Maybe we have to change our attitude What if he hides in the cave of contemplation on the bus home while she talks to a friend to unload the wealth of details of what happened? This way, each other’s tendencies will be more relaxed when they get home.

That would be a good way to approach an intermediate point between what each person does in a conflict situation. We cannot force the other to speak nor to remain silent. But if we show that we work to prevent the gap between us from widening, perhaps we can find a common ground.

Above all, we will have the possibility of avoiding fights that hurt us so much and harm the relationship. Putting yourself in the other’s shoes and understanding them is the first step to avoiding conflicts. and enjoy shared life.

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