Self-affirmation in children: how to understand and manage their challenging behaviors

Around the age of two, children enter a stage characterized by opposition. If you have a little one this age, you will probably find him saying “no” to everything, constantly challenging you, and expressing anger or crying when he can’t get his way. These behaviors are typical of self-affirmation, a natural process that parents must understand and accompany.

The most important thing to know is that nothing bad is happening to your child. This newly released attitude in which being rebellious, disobedient and not very accommodating is part of his development and it is very positive that it is present. Although it may be exhausting, annoying or exasperating for adults, it is a sign that the child is building his or her own identity in a healthy way. We tell you more below.

What is self-affirmation and why does it occur in children?

Self-affirmation is present in all human beings and is the characteristic that allows us to understand and express ourselves as individuals. Thanks to it, we can defend our interests, defend our rights, express our opinions and express our emotions sincerely.

Without self-affirmation, a fundamental component of self-esteem, we would most likely become passive, submissive and dependent beings.

In the case of children, two phenomena occur that lead us to perceive this need for affirmation as negative. On the one hand, It is a common belief that minors have to obey without question. the orders of adults. On the other hand, before the age of two, children do not show this type of challenging attitudes, so their sudden appearance can surprise and confuse parents.

In reality, the child has not changed his personality or has a behavioral problem, he is simply going through a natural evolutionary stage. It is at this time, between 24 and 36 months, that infants begin to perceive themselves as individual beings (until now they did not clearly perceive the distinction between themselves and the external).

This finding It leads them to want to affirm themselves as differentiated people and try, in this same sense, to assert their opinions, desires and points of view. own. Opposition to adults is one of the main tools they find to achieve this and that is why it is common for them to refuse any request or suggestion from their parents.

Tantrums: a manifestation of self-affirmation

In this process of self-affirmation, tantrums are common. Definitely, These are an emotional expression that is also natural and healthy; Therefore, they are found in the vast majority of infants of this age. The difficulty arises when the adults in charge do not know how to handle them.

If you lose your nerve, scold children, and force them to obey and comply inflexibly, these tantrums will most commonly increase in frequency, duration, and intensity. On the contrary, if we understand the function they have and the need behind them, we can direct that energy in a positive direction for everyone.

Keys to managing challenging behaviors

At this point, we already know that intelligent management of children’s self-affirmation goes beyond fighting or resisting it systematically. However, there is no doubt that tantrums are painful and uncomfortable for children and adults.

How, then, can we reduce its appearance? Below, we show you some keys:

To the best of your ability, allow your child to make decisions. For example, you can allow him to wear that summery shirt that he likes if in exchange he agrees to wear a jacket over it outdoors. In this way, he will feel that he has a choice and that his voice is heard and will not need to assert himself through opposition.Set the limits that are strictly necessary and be flexible with the rest. Of course, there are situations in which it is not possible to negotiate and adults have to stand up and lead the way; but on many other occasions it is possible to take into account the opinion of the infant.Allow your child’s emotional expression. Although the limits you have set are necessary and must be respected, the child has the right to feel anger, rage, disgust or sadness when they prevent him from satisfying his desires. You can use phrases like: “It is normal for you to feel angry; However, it is not okay to break or throw things. When you feel like this, you can talk to me, and we can go for a walk“. Validate them, let them know that you understand why they feel this way and accompany them with understanding and respect.

In short, remember that children can, and should, have opinions, decisions and emotions. Do not expect blind obedience or constant submission, do not take their rebellious and defiant attitudes personally. The infant is not doing it to annoy you or to disrespect you, he is just affirming his identity.

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