Run away from counselors

Advice is subjective opinions that one interlocutor transmits to another with the intention of guiding their behavior. in a certain way. The truth is that there are people who, without preparation or awareness, pour advice into the lives of others. In this article we have called them counselors and it is a species that usually has at least one specimen in every family or group of friends.

Think that giving advice places us in a position of authority, wisdom and even prestige. On the other hand, we do not usually welcome them with displeasure since receiving them – regardless of how correct they are – is normally a sign that there are people who care about us, however we do do so when we suspect that behind it there is a manipulative strategy to direct our behavior.

Counselors could be defined as yet another type of toxic person, who, with an air of good intention, tells you what you should or should not do with your life and always based on his own experience.

By basing the advice on their own experience, normally the conclusions they share with us are not applicable to our case.. Therefore, if you find yourself with a person who interferes in your life without asking your opinion, argues with great confidence without knowing what he is talking about and also imposes his opinions on you, you are facing a counselor and you better run away from him. there.

“Trying to help, we can cause harm by forcing another to receive something they did not ask for. Furthermore, when we insist on giving advice to someone who has not asked us for it, we are actually giving it to ourselves.”

– Alejandro Jodorowsky-

To give good advice, first of all it is advisable that this advice be requested; Otherwise we run the risk of “getting where we are not called.” Secondly, it is essential that we are experts in the field and thus can give a recommendation based on science or truth. Finally, the only way to give advice correctly is to empathize with the recipient and try to see the problem from their angle and not from our particular position, which is different.

Anatomy of a counselor

As we have explained, The counselor has a series of characteristics that make it easy for us to recognize him. Normally they are people older than us, who because of their age believe they have more experience – when this is not always the case – and think they are wiser than us.

Sometimes our closest relatives and even our parents become counselors, already when we are of age. Unfortunately, on many occasions – although it is not its intention – this aid It can have a negative impact on us.

These are the characteristics that we can find common in this psychological typology:

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They usually give typical advice

“Time puts everything in its place” or “believe in yourself and you will achieve it” are the typical advice that we read in teenage magazines and then we try to give it to another person to see if it helps them. Evidently, these pre-made suggestions never work since the person you advise also knows this. He even applies them, but it is not what he lacks or what he would need at that moment.

“More than helping, we can often cause the other person to feel guilty for not “believing in them” or “not seeing the positive side of things.”

They have fears that they do not know how to face and they project them onto your experience.

Counselors are usually people who have pending issues to resolve in their lives, they are afraid of facing circumstances or have not overcome others efficiently. This causes them to give advice to others as a way to repair their own lives. No one can help another person if the first person’s mind is full of ghosts.

Besides, many times the advice is of an anxious nature: “don’t do that”, “it’s dangerous”, “what if it doesn’t turn out well?”, instead of motivators, since they themselves tend to be guided by the fear they point out.

They practice “yo-yoism”

A good counselor always gives advice based on me, me and then me. Instead of listening to the person in front of you – something that does help a lot – as soon as you finish your sentence, they quickly begin one of the following: “Well, I…”, “It happened to me too and…” Everyone To a greater or lesser extent we have done it at some point and we have observed how others did it.

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This makes We do not feel understood or heard. In the end, we will be the ones who will have to listen to him. Let us not forget that another person’s experience has little to do with our own experience, even if they are similar.

Each one has their own vital baggage and based on that is how they should solve their problem. Here a professional would know how to guide you.

They give advice that they don’t even believe themselves.

Most likely The instructions that a counselor gives you have not been put into practice by him or herself., precisely because they are not believed. It could also be that they entail great difficulty: perhaps it is appropriate, but not for that moment when there is little strength.

The advice, in any case, must be realistic, progressive and adapted to the person. General advice such as “if you want to quit smoking you should quit overnight and take gum for anxiety” are not only realistic – in this case there are many more techniques that could be used. Even They can harm the person, fill them with pressure or anxiety and have the opposite effect.

They think that the other is not as qualified as them and that they need them

The counselors They act as “life saviors” and think that the rest of us are not as informed as them and that we are inferior and therefore, we need them. This attitude is nothing more than a cover that prevents them from taking care of their own affairs, a form of distraction from taking charge of their own life. Actually Nobody needs our advice, what they need is for us to cooperate with them in order to achieve their desires or objectives, which is not the same.

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Before giving advice to someone who has not asked us or about whom we do not have scientific knowledge, let us always remember the following reflection:

Whoever tries to help a butterfly out of its cocoon kills it; whoever tries to help a sprout to emerge from its seed destroys it. Certain things cannot be helped. They must occur from the inside out.