Psychology of failed relationships: why do I fail in love?

The psychology of failed relationships tells us that a lack of love is not always the cause of our breakups. Couples and affection, like bones, also break. Endings and stories that begin and don’t last too long are part of normality, but this is something we very often experience in a traumatic way.

This means, for example, that after accumulating more than one failure in emotional matters, one ends up conceiving that love is not for them, that living as a couple is impossible and that the best thing is to walk alone in the world. Well it is true that No one comes into this world with a manual on how to be successful in the field of relationships.

However, Nor have they taught us to cope with a goodbye without a farewell (ghosting), to deal with “this doesn’t work anymore” or “I don’t love you anymore.” After that, it is very common for us to ask ourselves a constant and even obsessive question… what’s wrong with me? why failure in love? We analyze it.

Things They Never Told You About the Psychology of Failed Relationships

Are you one of those who consider that a large part of your emotional relationships have been a failure? Maybe you should do a little rephrasing. Thus, something that is more than common today is having several partners throughout our life cycle. Some stories last longer than others, some make us happier and sometimes we can even get married not once, but several times.

All of this is a reflection of the dynamics of one’s own life. Sample of our movements, the relief of our existence and each turn that destiny takes in romantic and emotional matters. Now, the striking thing is that, in many cases, we continue talking about failed relationships when we break up with someone. Given this idea, it is important to consider the following approaches.

Some relationships can be terrible, but not all are failures

Some relationships leave us with consequences, it is true. Dynamics such as abuse, physical or psychological mistreatment, manipulation or even constant deception outline what we understand as terrible bonds. One of those that one can regret, with reason, for not having opened one’s eyes sooner and having fled.

Beyond this very problematic reality, not all failed relationships really are. Perhaps our mistake is to think that when we start a bond with someone, that story will last a lifetime. The “until death do us part” should be replaced with “until we are no longer well”. And when this happens, when we stop “being good” with our partner, goodbye does not have to be a failure.

Sometimes love ends. Sometimes, the priorities are different. We may realize that our perspectives and ways of understanding reality are incompatible. All this does not constitute any failure; It is life itself and the immanent complexity of the human being.

Failure in love and psychological inflexibility

For those who wonder why many of their relationships don’t last, science has an answer. The University of Rochester conducted a study in 2020 to understand what were the causes of problems in couples and also between family ties.

A factor that turned out to be recurrent in relational problems is psychological inflexibility. Now, what does this dimension consist of and how is it related to failed relationships?

An author who focused a good part of his theories on working on and deactivating psychological inflexibility was Albert Ellis. According to him, this dimension is the origin of our unhappiness. It defines the inability to become aware of our irrational ideas, the limitation to apply a more reflective approach, to open ourselves to change, accept difficulties and resolve them… Thus, One of the biggest problems at the relational level is assuming in a fixed way what a relationship should be like., According to us. It is then when we stop accepting the other, when we only see problems and nothing seems to fit our expectations.An example of psychological inflexibility is avoiding talking about things, resorting to blaming and shouting instead of dialogue and understanding.. It is assuming that my truth is better than yours, that with your behavior you show me that you don’t love me and that with mine, I do everything well.

Learn from failed relationships

Instead of conceiving our ex-partners as examples of failed relationships, let’s see them as stories that could not be. No relationship can be a mistake if there was love, if we fought for it and it gave us moments of happiness in certain moments. Everything we experienced gives us vital filming and emotional learning. But, yes, we must ensure that this learning is useful.

What do we mean by that? Basically, it is not good to trip over the same stone more than once. If we had a relationship with a narcissistic person, let’s try not to fall into the same emotional trap again. If in our last emotional history with someone we lacked greater maturity and ability to solve problems, may what we experienced not fall on deaf ears and may it serve us for the future.

As Dr. Arielle Kuperburg, a professor at the University of North Carolina, points out, sometimes we choose the least suitable people because we are not yet configured as individuals. That is, nothing is as important as being clear about who we are, what we want and what we don’t want in our lives. Personal and psychological maturity will make our relationships happier.