Invisible family contracts: when ties limit us

Many readers have probably sensed on some occasion that the fidelity or closeness between certain family members prevented someone from achieving fulfillment. From psychology These codes have a name: contracts or invisible family loyalties.

These codes are defined as the set of beliefs and inhibitions that make up our way of considering ourselves and behaving with respect to our emotional reality. (both the one we are experiencing and the one we “allow ourselves” to long for). That is, in other words: We inherit the problems of our relatives.

In short, we accept certain conditions for fear of losing the love, attention and favor of our relatives (parents, grandparents, siblings…). Naturally, this responds to an evolutionary fear, since no one wants to be disowned at their core.

In this sense, Derived from the same family pattern, people are capable of taking advantage of this emotional power. It is by no means the intention to be cruel that promotes this. In fact, many times we are not even aware of how we play with family contracts. Let’s see it…

Unspoken emotional contracts: a cocktail of expectations

The emotional contracts established between family members turn out to be a cocktail of high and conditioning expectations. which is often poisonous for the fulfillment of a person and their approach to life.

Thus, many times in dialogue with people who have nothing to do with our family, We can realize how we structure our thoughts and attitudes towards certain issues. We are surprised, suddenly, realizing that there are ideas that we have assumed through our family that seem unquestionable to us but, in reality, they must be.

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Likewise, it is worth noting that andIt is extremely important to get rid of every preconceived idea that is negative to us. Literature and cinema are clear examples of what many of us experience…

See the case of the artist disowned by a family that aspired to continue a line of renowned doctors. See the woman who believes “that she has no other way out” in her life than to marry a man who will support her.

See who does not dare to move from the city because of the damage it will cause to his family. See who cannot live their love freely for fear of reprisals. See a son who must like football. See who wants to study “something that has no future.” See who is convinced that life has no meaning without his partner.

See the labels “the bad one”, “the smart one”, “the clumsy one”, “the handsome one”, “the good one”, “the helpful one”, “the ugly one”, “the detached one”, “the outcast one”, “the dependent one” “, etc. See, see…

When someone comes to the consultation, there must always be the possibility that the root (not the sole cause) of their disturbance lies in dysfunctional schemas learned since childhood in their family context.

To put it another way, We are perpetuators of the deficiencies of our core, of the beliefs and expectations that are transmitted to us. This is normal and, as we have already highlighted, evolutionary. However, that does not mean that at a certain point in our lives, we must begin to question the world. (Let’s realize that as children we do not have this capacity developed, but as adults we can explore it).

“Who am I?”, the question that is answered through dialogue

We are sponges of beliefs and expectations, which works against us when these contracts or invisible family loyalties are negative for our growth. This has a direct consequence: WE ARE WHAT WE SEE.

So usually we don’t think much more than letting ourselves be carried away by the inertia of what we have seen at home and what our relatives have transmitted to us in relation to all areas of life.

For example, many times we believe that couples should be for life because our parents have endured everything and have sacrificed their lives and happiness for their children. So if in the future we find ourselves involved in a dysfunctional relationship, it will probably be difficult for us to see that we do not have to submit to it.

It is important that, whether or not we have already realized the existence of these veiled family contractsLet’s examine who we are and why we have become accustomed to behaving in one way or another. Thus, if we consider that we are being mere repeaters and that this attitude or belief does not make us happy, it is best that we get rid of it.

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We can do this by writing a letter, staging a dialogue, or talking to ourselves in any way. This will help us free ourselves from the invisible family loyalties that torment us. However, if this is not enough or we do not believe we are capable, it is good and necessary to consult with a professional who can help us give emotional coherence to what happens to us.