Phubbing: Not letting go of your cell phone could end your relationship!

Hanging out couldn’t have ended more disappointingly: One of the marriage therapist’s clients Christine Wilke he’d been paying so much attention to his phone lately that he didn’t even realize the night for two was over.

“She had a very serious problem with her cell phone and only realized it when she went out to dinner with her boyfriend,” commented the Easton, Pa., marital therapist. “She was so glued to her device that when she finally turned away from her phone, her boyfriend had already settled the restaurant bill and was already leaving.”

she was practicing “phubbing” without even realizing it: the action of totally ignoring the person you are with and paying attention to your cell phone.

O phubbing, a word created from the sum of “phone” (telephone) and “snubbing” (snub), has become increasingly common in our country, especially among couples.

In a recent Baylor University study of 143 people involved in romantic relationships, 70% said cell phones “sometimes”, “often”, “very often” or “all the time”. interfere with your interactions with your partner.

In a later survey of 145 adults, 22.6% said that the phubbing had already sparked conflict in their relationships and 36.6% reported feeling depressed at times because they were under the impression that their partner prioritized their phone over them.

Wilkes sees this frustrating dynamic repeat itself over and over again in his office.

“The couples I see often want to have a deeper connection with each other, but their respective phones have taken over their lives,” she says. “People often tell me that it feels like their partner is having an affair with the phone.”

Maintaining a relationship behind a phone is not a good way to get through life.

Next, Wilkes and other marital therapists across the country share advice on how to curb your phubbing habit.

1. Stop thinking you need to Instagram document everything you do when you go out together.

“One of the things that still amazes me (and, as a therapist, saddens me) is when a couple is having dinner, for example, in a public place, but one person is busy posting pictures instead of giving the other real attention.

Social media has many positive benefits, but it can also lead people to seek immediate gratification rather than the satisfaction of the moment. If you’re someone who posts to get the attention of others, rather than really enjoying the person you’re with, it’s time to discipline yourself a little.

Give up this obsession with accumulating likes. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t post a nice selfie of the two of you. But wait to post until the evening is over, or at the very least wait to post by the time your partner has gone to the bathroom.” – Carin Goldstein, marriage and family therapist in Sherman Oaks, California.

2. Turn off your phone for at least 30 minutes a day.

“One of the ‘homeworks’ I give couples is to create a daily 30-minute period without electronics. This is the time when they can have meaningful face-to-face contact, without outside interference.

Too often those 30 minutes turn out to be a much longer period of time, because they end up representing a moment of intimacy that both of you value very much.” – Christine Wilke

3. Take your time without technology to the next level: Take an entire weekend without a cell phone.

“I worked with a couple who went to Palm Springs for a weekend and set some rules in advance regarding electronics: Cell phones had to be turned off and in their suitcases for the entire weekend. Each person was allowed to turn on their cell phone for just five minutes a day, the time to check that there was no crisis awaiting them when they returned.

At the end of the weekend, they said they relished the chance to pay more attention to the little things: the refreshing pool, the laughs over dinner, and the real intimacy between the two.” – Spencer Scott, a psychologist in Santa Monica, California.

4. If your partner feels “phobado”, acknowledge the fact and stop “phobaring”.

“Agree on each other to let the other know when he feels he is being ‘phobated’ or when he himself is having a relapse and phubbing. As we can all be tempted to dive deep into the phone, we may not be aware of it when we relapse into a bad habit.

Agreeing that you will listen to your partner when he feels ‘phobado’ and then be willing to put the phone down is a healthy step towards maintaining the relationship.” – Kristin Zeising, a psychologist in San Diego, California.

5. Don’t see your cell phone as your absolute enemy.

“It may seem counterintuitive, but if you crave your partner’s time and attention, try not to see the phone as the root of the problem, but as a tool for the solution.

Well-articulated messages sent throughout the day, or even Snapchats (which take two minutes to make and send) can be great for reminding your partner that you’re each thinking about the other throughout the day. They can make you feel less isolated and dissatisfied.” Spencer Scott

6. Know that at first you will feel awkward putting your phone away.

“Staying glued to your cell phone is an addictive habit that won’t be easy to break. Understanding why this might take time, but you’ll get through it! At first you will feel something described as cognitive dissonance. Stopping using your cell phone will not feel right or normal to you.

It will take almost a month for the new habit to feel normal to you – that is, giving your loved ones, friends and family your attention in person rather than over a phone. But believe me, it will have been worth it.” Barbara Melton, therapist in Charleston, South Carolina.

See too:

7 very important tips to make your relationship perfect

This text was originally published on HuffPost US and translated from English.