Pangs of grief, what are they and why do they appear?

In intense grief, the interaction of a group of emotions occurs that can alter their prevalence. Although each case is different, often we can confuse it with depression. It is true that sometimes both realities can coexist, but there are certain characteristics that help us define what we are feeling; among them, the pangs of grief.

Grief is the natural psychological response to the loss of a presence we value.. It is a universal, healthy and necessary reaction that arises when faced with the sudden absence of an element that is important to us. Not only does it arise as a result of the death of someone close or a breakup, the loss of a friendship, a job or a stage in our life that is left behind can also trigger it.

This grief involves emotions of sadness, anger, apathy, anxiety, confusion, denial… The range is wide and many of them also occur in depressive disorder. However, the way we experience these emotions in each case is differentand below we show you why.

In grief there can be optimism and hope, in depression the possibility of feeling good again is not conceivable.

Grief and depression, are they different?

When we see, talk to, or spend time with a grieving person, we may come to think that they are depressed. And it is that There are several common manifestations in both conditions; for example, sadness and crying, demotivation or the tendency to isolate and reflect.

However, there are big and important differences:

In grief, personal self-esteem is usually intact; in depression, there are feelings of worthlessness and self-devaluation.Depression generates self-criticism, pessimistic rumination and hopelessness. The possibility of feeling well again in the future is not conceivable. In grief, there can be optimism and hope.When we experience a loss, the predominant feeling is emptiness and concerns revolve around that absence. In a depressive disorder, the negative cognitive content is not concrete and predominantly sadness, frustration, and the inability to experience pleasure are felt. Furthermore, In grief, the passage of time helps mitigate the pain and these negative affects vary in intensity as the months go by. In the case of depression, if treatment is not received, the depressed mood remains for a long time.

But, in addition to the previous differences, there is a very particular one: the way in which negative emotions are presented. Or the so-called “pangs of grief.”

Pangs of grief: a pain in waves

A person with a depressive disorder experiences sadness and hopelessness on an ongoing basis. Apathy and demotivation become his life companions and follow him at every moment. But In the case of grief, this pain occurs in wavesof pangs that come, hurt and go away, only to reappear later.

Are They are associated with memories of the deceased, of the ex-partner or of what we lost. When those memories knock on the door, negative emotions awaken and flood us, they wash over us like a wave. They may be sadness for losing it, anguish for not knowing how to move forward, guilt for having left something pending or not having known how to take advantage of what we had… In any case, these feelings are not permanent.

While a person is grieving, is still capable of experiencing moments of happiness, of tranquility or well-being. Even in sadness, in absence and in emptiness, you can enjoy a conversation with friends, a hobbyof a moment that is living.

The stab of pain can come at any time, be more or less intense and more or less prolonged; but this does not prevent the existence of those pain-free moments.

The pain in grief occurs in waves.

The pain that resurfaces over time

This same quality of discontinuity can confuse the person recovering from a loss. It is not a linear process. Although several stages of grief are generally described, these do not occur in an orderly and perfect manner; Sometimes they overlap and we can even go back to a previous one..

This is when, After a long time of apparent calm and well-being, the pangs of grief reappear and we get scared. If I already seemed to be fine, if I seemed to be moving forward, why do I feel this way again? And those waves can arrive when you thought you had turned the page with as much intensity as at the beginning.

If it happens to you, don’t be afraid; You probably haven’t returned to square one. It is part of the process, there is no set time for complete recovery. If suddenly a memory sneaks back into your mind, and that pang of pain floods you again, allow yourself to feel it without judgment or reproach. It is something completely natural, each person heals at their own pace.

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