Narcissistic families: the void of healthy affectivity

There are people capable of holding our hands while they take our soul and blood, telling us that it is for our good and that they have the right. The problem would not be so complex if they were, For example, simple co-workers. The real gravity lies in the fact that it is our family that exercises this manipulation, in growing up within narcissistic families.

We all know how to identify a toxic mother, or even that absent father who, even though he is with us every day, lacks the emotions or closeness to raise children. Now, the curious thing about narcissistic families is that One usually reaches adolescence or adulthood and then realizes how these parents act.

Narcissistic families are those who tell you every day that you have become who you are thanks to them. They enjoy getting our attention and are capable of manipulating us to achieve their goals, even if they cause harm. But they will always blame us for making them suffer.

We generally speak of “narcissistic families”, although although it is true that This characteristic may be possessed by either the father or the mother.it may also happen that both parents exercise it equally.

In this case, what almost always happens is something as dramatic as it is sad: narcissistic parents see their children’s needs as secondary. They are incapable of offering the two basic pillars in a child’s education: security and trust. These emotional deficiencies cause serious consequences in adulthood. Let’s see it in detail.

Children of narcissistic families

The narcissistic family executes a system almost every day. unnatural where It seeks to exclusively satisfy the needs of parentsleaving the children in the background.

Narcissistic parents show a mirror to their children where their own shortcomings are found. They expect them to react and take care of them, but by not getting it or understanding it, the children feel lost, uprooted and incomplete.

This type of behavior and upbringing is very problematic. It is enough to give a simple example, that of a child who has obtained poor results at school. If parents are mature and responsible, they will be concerned about knowing what has happened and will look for improvement strategies: Does the child have a problem? Do you suffer from stress? Do you need reinforcement classes?

For narcissistic parents there is no implicit problem to address. The child himself “is a problem”, someone who insists almost without realizing it on making their lives more complicated. That is, the personal needs of the children are put aside to focus on oneself.

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What consequences does this type of upbringing have on the child?

Children come to believe that their needs are not important.that their emotions have no value because they are not attended to or recognized.They generate serious deficienciesserious voids that can either transform into anger, or into a very marked withdrawal in order to “protect themselves from the world.” A person who does not receive a healthy bond in terms of security, recognition and affection, He does not find his place, he does not conceive himself as capable or important. The deficiencies are very serious. It is common that Children from narcissistic families do not learn how to validate their own feelingsand how to meet your own needs.

How to treat narcissistic families

If this is your case, if you have had to live a childhood with a narcissistic father and a mother who reinforced him, or vice versa, you will know how much time it has taken you to treat those internal wounds. It is very difficult to heal these deficiencies, which must be mended like the rips in a broken doll.

When we discover the truth about our narcissistic family, we must promote a return to that emotional world to heal ourselves.

It is necessary to reach adulthood by overcoming this grief to protect ourselves, to give us the opportunity to learn to trust and love ourselves with integrity. We know that it is not easy, and that said healing It requires a deep inner journey to correct the idea that something in us is wrong.or that we do not have the right to be loved.

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We will need time, trust and above all, knowing how to treat that narcissistic family. If this is your case, these tips can help you:

Maintain adequate emotional distance

We must remember that narcissistic families seek above all to control and be above us. Therefore, they will not hesitate to humiliate and belittle in a subtle or direct way. Do not let that happen, “disconnect” its emotional impact on you. Take power away from them.

The psychotherapist Linda Martínez-Lewi, a specialist in narcissistic personality, advises that maintaining distance is healthy for the individual. If your parents, or one of them, is very narcissistic, recommend limiting communication by phone or mail.

Maintain a less intimate and more superficial relationship

We are clear that The only solution is not always going to be to “break up” with them and stop seeing them.. It’s complicated, and somehow, sometimes, we are forced to continue maintaining contact.

Now, if we take away their power, we also need to protect ourselves and establish a more superficial relationship. Do not depend on them especially on an emotional level, If you feel bad, never go to that narcissistic father or mother, because then it will “have power” over you and sink you even further.

Accept that you will not be able to change them, it is you who must leave their circle

We cannot change those who hurt us. Now, instead of carrying them on your back, Get out of their circle of power and don’t waste energy and efforts in vain.. There are those who do not allow themselves to be saved, and in this case, the one who deserves to be saved and healed is you.

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Narcissistic parents have the ability to shape our lives by making us believe that they can and that it is the best for us. We are those mirrors where they project their shortcomings and needs. Do not let that happen, There are families who do not know how to love their children, at least give yourself the privilege of loving yourself and putting distance.

The therapist Karyl McBride states that it is best not to enter into conflict with narcissistic parents. There is no point in reproaching them or telling them what they may have done wrong regarding their parenting style. He states that “narcissistic parents do not take responsibility and they are usually not very good at empathy, so a direct confrontation is the prelude to more suffering, disappointment and anxiety.”

Final reflection

Having children is a responsibility. Before having a little one in the family, it would be important to reflect on what role we will play and if we are really prepared. Our behavior, our comments will shape the way you are in the future. Little by little it will have its autonomy, but without a doubt we will be able to leave our mark.

Many couples have children because it is “the right thing to do.” They reach a certain age and society “imposes” that it is time to have children. However, they are not welcome. Life is not a shopping list. Life really does not consist of studying, working, getting married, having children, continuing to work… That is a social model. Everyone can choose to lead the life they want.. So if offspring are really not wanted, it would be good to think twice before having them.

Images courtesy of Benjamin Lacombe