My son doesn’t want to go to school!: why it happens (according to Carlos González)

Many kindergarten and primary students –between the ages of 3 and 12– have a good time at school. They rarely cry at the door or cling to their mother’s or father’s arms. They soon enter the school without looking back. The parents end up giving up demanding a goodbye kiss – “What a shame, in front of my classmates!” – and the least expected day they beg you to stop accompanying them.

Although they may occasionally complain about a partner, Due to some “injustice” by the teachers or the difficulty of some exercise, they go to school excited and without putting up any resistance. I would even say more, at the beginning of September they are so bored at home that they want to go back to school.

But this situation is not always so. Some children suffer at school or refuse to go. How can we help you?

Why the child does not want to go to school

Naturally, not all children grow at the same rate. At 3 or 4 years old, there are children who are not yet ready to separate from their parents, in the same way that there are those who, at two years of age, are more independent. Sometimes, in the first days of class, a paradoxical effect is observed: children who had already gone to kindergarten before cry inconsolably, while others who had always been at home go in – and leave – happy.

And it is that separating from the mother without anguish is not something that is learned, it is not useful to “get used to” or “practice”. It is a question of maturation, of age.

At one year old, they don’t want to be separated for a moment from her; at five, they agree to do it; and at fifteen, they are wanting to do and undo on their own.

A separation without trauma

To the child we separated from his mother too soon, far from “getting used to it”, we can leave the memory of a sad experience. He is not afraid of school but of the place where he had such a hard time as a child. On the other hand, the one who waits happily with his family and only goes to school when he is really ready does not have bad experiences to remember.

When the problem is young age, time is the best remedy. It is not about “how to make my daughter go to school happy”, because that will happen after a few months, even if we do nothing at all. The problem is “in these months until my daughter goes to school happy, how can I make her suffer as little as possible”.

On many occasions, a little understanding will suffice. and a few words of encouragement. It is important to accept the child’s anxiety – “The first day is a bit scary, isn’t it?” – Explain to him what he will do at school, who he will be with, who will come to pick him up and when. Do not deny her anguish – “But if nothing happens, silly” –, much less ridicule him – “It seems incredible, such a big boy crying, what will the lady think”.

When leaving school, the child may demand more arms and more attention than usual or showing bad temper, yelling, avoiding the look, protesting everything. It is important to understand that these are normal responses to separation, that our child needs to behave this way to feel continued love and to regain security. It is important to give him those arms and that attention that he asks for, and to tolerate his bad mood without scolding or punishing him.

A cold and distant response –“Walk, that’s what you have feet for”, “Don’t be annoying”, “Now you’re behaving like a baby, mom is angry”…–, just when they need us the most, he doesn’t do more than Make things worse.

In other cases, good words are not enough.

There are children who have a really bad time. If work and family circumstances allow another option –staying at home for a while, or with the grandparents–, it is good to offer it: “If you want, tomorrow you can stay at home instead of going to school”.

Many times, the child declines the invitation: The security of knowing that there is a way out, that his parents understand him and take him seriously, gives him the courage to continue. Other children will need to stay home for a few days or weeks. Wouldn’t that be a step back? On the contrary: going one day after another, crying and suffering, is what can entrench the situation.

Some children seem to be happy the first trimester, but in January they fall apart. This is not a tease or a setback. Perhaps the Christmas holidays have reminded them of what could have been and was not: they had come to accept that “You have to go to school because dad and mom work”, and suddenly they discover that mom was at home -for example, if the mother has vacations– or that there is another alternative and someone has taken care of them when there was no school.

Symptoms of bullying

Of course, there may also be stronger reasons. to not want to go to school. There may be a “bully” or a group of “bullies” that is keeping other children terrified. There may be problems with older children, at playground time or at the entrance to the school grounds.

Some children can become victims for some physical defect, for their clumsiness in games, for learning problems or for not wearing branded clothes; others, on the contrary, because they are “nerds”, “posh”… Bullying or ill-treatment by teachers is not talked about as much, but it also happens.

Children who are mistreated by their peers or teachers may remain silent or even denyr who have repeatedly suffered such mistreatment. Then it will be a matter of investigating it.

The rejection of school is not always explicit. Some children often have headaches or tummy aches that mysteriously go away within a few minutes if they stay home.

A child has as much right as an adult to somatize, to feel a real stress headache. Either way, both the pretender and the genuinely upset child have a problem and need understanding and help, not punishment or lecturing.

The first thing is to ask him what happened to him, Why don’t you want to go to school? The problem is that they don’t always explain it, because they don’t want to or because they can’t. It will be necessary to speak, then, with their teachers and with other parents.

Has there been any problem with the studies, with exams, with discipline? Are there other children in the class who don’t want to go to school or who have changed their moods or behavior in the last few months? Are there personal quarrels, fights and insults between colleagues? Conflicts with non-teaching staff?

The alternative: look for another school

Minor problems are resolved quickly with patience, support and love.. But it is not always so easy. If the problem is general, the joint action of several families, supported if necessary by psychologists and paediatricians, can achieve changes in the behavior of the conflicting person… or their expulsion. But sometimes it is a personal incompatibility.

Some children need a change of scenery: other teachers, other classmates, other educational methods. And for some, school simply doesn’t work for them.

If we accept that an adult wants to be a truck driver, a salesman or a singer and that he hates office work, Why is it going to be convenient for all children to study in the same environment, with the same rules, methods and schedules?

In fact, judging by the school failure statistics, There are many children for whom school is not useful. Perhaps that is why there are families that choose to educate their children at home (see www.educacionlibre.org).

Ultimately, in the event of a conflict, parents need to remember that our loyalty and duty lie with our children, not with the educational system.