My partner has anger attacks: what to do?

In an ideal world, there would be no circumstances that would make us lose our cool. We would be open to listening to others and expressing our opinions with respect and restraint. However, the reality is very different. We can all fall prey to an emotional outburst; a fact in which, on the other hand, there are great individual differences. When it is the couple who has attacks of anger, the situation can be very uncomfortable and painful; Therefore, we want to show you some ways in which you can deal with it.

First of all, it is necessary to be clear that no person deserves abuse. Protecting physical and psychological integrity must always be our priority. However, situations are not always black and white and, in some cases, we can help the other person manage their emotions better.

Why does he behave like this?

As a first point, it should be noted that not all people who have anger attacks are the same. On the one hand, there are those who adopt this tendency repetitively and do not take responsibility for their actions. These individuals They use aggressiveness to manipulate and subdue the couple, blaming the other for unleashing their fury..

Besides, There are those who really have an emotional management problem, without their attacks having any intention. aware. These people can experience very intense emotions that overwhelm them; Their communication skills are poor and they tend to be especially sensitive to criticism or rejection.

However, their verbally aggressive behaviors are less frequent, and the person takes responsibility, admits their mistake, and apologizes. He doesn’t try to “kick things out”, but he is aware that he has a problem that is beyond your control. You probably make efforts to improve a lot of the time, but sometimes these attempts are not fruitful.

This difference is crucial when deciding how to act. In the first case, the best decision we can make for our health and well-being is to acquire autonomy from the relationship., with professional help if necessary. In the second case, however, we can opt for other types of coping strategies.

Understanding the partner who has anger attacks

Understanding the partner who has anger attacks does not mean justifying their behavior; Knowing how you lose control is a first step to facing the situation. It is important to keep in mind that these types of uncontrolled reactions arise when reminiscing about the past. The person who speaks and acts in these cases may not be the adult, but the injured child. that relives painful or threatening situations.

For example, if a person suffered criticism and humiliation in their childhood, they may have a very low level of sensitivity to identify a situation as threatening. Or if the person felt ignored, rejected or abandoned by his or her parents, he may react disproportionately to any expression of indifference made by the other.

In the first years of life, we do not have many resources to defend ourselves from attacks from the environment; and anger may have been our only way to protect our integrity. In this way, we continue to use it as adults, automatically, even though it is no longer functional.

What to do when your partner has anger attacks?

Now that we better understand where anger comes from, we can choose to help our partners regulate these overwhelming emotions. Typically, our first reaction is to leave the scene and leave the person alone or respond with a high level of hostility. However, For someone in that state of anger this can be seen as rejection.something that can give even more energy to your reaction.

In reality, in these types of situations we just want and need to be heard, even if our ways are not appropriate. Therefore, if you manage control your own emotional state and validate your partner’s feelings your outburst is likely to reduce much sooner.

This is not at all easy to put into practice. When faced with aggression, what the body asks of us is to defend ourselves; However, calming down, breathing, and showing empathy can be more productive.

Try not to take what is happening personally, because remember that although your argument was the trigger for anger, the origin is much older and deeper, and has more to do with your partner and their own history that with you

So, try to respond in a calm tone and show that you are interested in listening to what your partner feels. To do this, you can ask them questions about what has bothered them and what they would have liked to happen in their place. Listen carefully to understand, not to respondand open yourself to the possibility of recognizing your part of responsibility.

Believe it or not, This good disposition will make your partner’s emotional state calm down and he will also be more willing to listen to you. and consider your point of view. Of course, this entire process must be carried out genuinely, without a tone of condescension or paternalism. At the end of the day, we want to show the other person that they are really seen, heard and taken into account.

Protect yourself from violence

Again, it is important to note that this is not a valid strategy for all cases. It will only be functional if both members of the couple profess love and respect for each other and both are committed and involved in making the relationship improve. If your partner is constantly despotic, aggressive, narcissistic or manipulative, there is no excuse to allow this treatment. and above all you must protect yourself and make a decision.

Finally, it is essential to understand that anger problems usually require a deep and Those who suffer from them must commit to seeking professional help to learn to regulate your impulses and manage your emotions. As we have commented, understanding is not a blank card to be repeatedly harmed.

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