My husband and I slept in separate beds for 7 years so we are happier

My husband and I have lived together for 8 years, and for the past 7 years we have slept in separate rooms. We made this decision not because of fights or children (which, by the way, we don’t have), but because we feel more comfortable that way. This situation does not seem to be anything unusual. Couples can sleep in different rooms or travel separately. What matters most is feeling happy, isn’t it? However, by establishing your own rules in life together, you can face stereotypes that get in the way of any couple’s life and have a happier marriage.

exclusively for the awesome.clubI will tell you why we chose this “way” of sleeping, what are the advantages, as well as the reaction of friends and family.

It was a day when I woke up alone in bed. However, I clearly remembered that I had slept with my boyfriend. Sneaking into the living room, I found him fast asleep on the couch. Well, I decided to talk to him the next day.

At breakfast, we had the following conversation:

— You disappeared last night, why did you sleep in the living room?

“You know, I couldn’t sleep. You kept turning from side to side snoring. Every time you turned to the side, I woke up.

“Okay… I never thought I’d make so much noise while I’m sleeping.”

The next night, the same situation happened. We slept together, but woke up apart. This time, I decided to have a serious conversation.

During the discussion, we concluded that sleeping together is very difficult for us. My boyfriend reminded me of all the fights we had over sleepless nights, when he snored I woke him up and consequently he didn’t sleep well and he got irritated. I also snored sometimes, and he would wake me up in such a way that I couldn’t sleep again. Eventually, one of us would wake up because of the heat or because another would get up to get a glass of water. There was even a time when I touched my boyfriend’s eye while he was sleeping.

Furthermore, we realize that we have different sleep schedules🇧🇷 I didn’t have a fixed schedule, so I was always active at night: watching movies or reading at midnight, and waking up at 9:00 −10:00 in the morning. At the same time, my boyfriend had to be at work at 9am, so getting good sleep was very important to him. However, because of the problems we faced sleeping together, none of us slept more than 6-7 hours. In the end, both he and I ended up more irritated, tired, and nervous.

Then, we came to the conclusion that it would be better to sleep in different rooms, even more so because we had this opportunity. I’ll be honest: my view of the situation was different from my boyfriend’s view. I always thought sleeping together was the right thing to do, so I found our solution to the problem a little strange. My parents started sleeping in separate beds after their silver wedding anniversary—25 years of marriage. But my boyfriend felt great: he slept well, woke up fresh, made us a nice breakfast, and arrived at work satisfied.

After all, we avoided many fights because we had fewer reasons; so we were calmer. Furthermore, being more efficient, our performance at work has improved🇧🇷 Before, we had difficulty getting up and woke up like zombies, precisely because of the sleepless nights.

To better understand the issue of sleeping separately, I researched a bit of history. I discovered, for example, that in Ancient Rome, the matrimonial bed was not for sleeping, just for sexual intercourse. Afterwards, the couple would each sleep in their own room. In the Victorian Era, in England, it was also not common for the couple to sleep together. In pre-revolutionary Russia, aristocrats had separate matrimonial rooms, while peasants in their homes often spent nights in different rooms.

The custom of sleeping together only emerged during the Industrial Revolution, when people started moving from one city to another.🇧🇷 They had to share a bed because of the small size of the apartments.

Then, feeling like an aristocrat, I looked for scientific justifications and found the book Two in a Bed of the sociology professor Paul C. Rosenblatt. He came to the conclusion that sleeping together leads to psychological and emotional problemsas well as insomnia, tension and nervousness. The scientist interviewed dozens of couples and concluded that the bedroom is often the “center of tension in the house”. Thus, this space ends up being a point of small stress situations, such as, for example, a discussion about whether or not the dog can sleep in the bed or whether or not the spouses are allowed to eat or smoke in bed. In addition, fights arise when snoring, watching television, pulling the blanket to your side or using the cell phone in the dark, disturbing the sleep of the other with the light.

Finally, more serious fights can be caused, for example, by the temperature of the room: one likes heat, while another prefers fresh air. The professor claims that the solution is simple, just start sleeping in different rooms. However, the stereotype that sleeping together is more appropriate remains firm and often unquestioned.

At the British Science Festival, another sleep expert, Neil Stanley, also insisted on separate sleep: “Sleep is a selfish activity. You cannot share it with anyone.”🇧🇷

Psychologists claim that the man gets angry when sharing a bed with someone else, which is bad for his mental health🇧🇷 Your unconscious tends to defend the sleep space from possible enemies. Because of this, he can’t completely relax and gets angry with someone else who is close. This happens because the nervous system of people who sleep together does not relax completely🇧🇷 At the same time, women do not suffer as much from this inconvenience and go through these difficulties more smoothly than men — who are generally more comfortable sleeping alone.

Honestly, I don’t know how much of this is true, but that was exactly the case with my boyfriend.

Nowadays, we tend to interpret the fact that spouses having separate beds as the first sign that something is going wrong🇧🇷 In fact, the first sign is having separate blankets, but sleeping in separate rooms is the same as ending a relationship.

That, at least, was the conclusion I came to as I followed some conversations on women’s forums on the Internet. Strictly speaking, in these groups, they all had the same opinion: sleeping separately is horrible! One of the main arguments was the following: what is the fun of making love and not being able to sleep together afterwards? The most common type of response was this:

After reading this type of comment, I understood that old stereotypes are still very strong and will remain🇧🇷 Our grandparents believed in omens that could ruin a relationship. There is a saying: “Never go to sleep without making up”. Well, if most people think so, that must be true. That’s what most people believe. Sleeping or traveling separately is something out of the ordinary, a real shock🇧🇷

In my opinion, this is very strange. After all, we live in the 21st century and nothing, in a relationship for two, should sound strange. But I was wrong. Sleeping under the same sheets and blankets is still considered very important.

I have found that the topic of “couples who sleep separately” is also discussed a lot in the United States. One of the surveys revealed that around 31% of respondents prefer to sleep alone🇧🇷 This is the result of a survey by the US National Sleep Foundation, according to which one in four couples sleeps in separate rooms or beds.

I also found out that many famous couples prefer to sleep apart🇧🇷 For example, George and Amal Clooney have this custom. The main reason for this decision is said to be George’s snoring and Amal’s light sleep.

Furthermore, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, also chose to sleep in separate rooms. Once, Catherine admitted that she didn’t want to appear in front of her husband undressed; so she arranged with Michael to sleep separately. Perhaps this is the reason for a marriage that has lasted 19 years.

My husband and I slept in different rooms for seven years and our lives definitely changed. improved a lot🇧🇷 No, our relationship didn’t fall apart.🇧🇷 On the contrary: after five years of sleeping apart, we got married. I believe that separate bedrooms provide not only a good night’s sleep but also independencebecause there is always that moment when we want to be alone.

To be honest, nowadays, I wouldn’t be able to sleep with anyone around anymore. My love for another person doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them in a bed; there is no such link. As for intimate life, sleep and sex for me are two different things. I don’t understand where the stereotype that you have to have sex before bed came from🇧🇷 Before bed, my husband or I went into each other’s room to kiss and say good night. To compensate for the lack of tactile contact, we began to lie together during the day on weekends.🇧🇷

When we travel, we don’t book two different rooms; sleeping together🇧🇷 However, we always choose the option of booking a room with two beds, if any. Let’s be honest: sleep while traveling is not essentialbecause you can take a nap on the beach or on the means of transport.

As to reactions from our friendsthey split up. Some don’t take our choice seriously and say they couldn’t sleep apart without hugging their partner. Others exclaimed, “Wow! Too bad we couldn’t repeat the same experiment in our one-bedroom apartment.”

In relation to our family, explaining the situation was more difficult. My mother-in-law pointed out that we had a reason to sleep together before, but now that reason doesn’t seem to exist anymore….my mother, on the other hand, was very direct: “Sleep as you wishbut don’t forget to bring one more bedding when you spend the night at my house”.

The most important point I learned is that each couple has its dynamics and there is no single rule on how to live together🇧🇷 If you feel uncomfortable and you know how to improve the situation, have a conversation🇧🇷 Long but calm. Justify your opinion🇧🇷 The essential is don’t do this during a fight so as not to make the situation worse.

I understand this is obvious advice, but many forget to have a conversation with their partner. It’s needed explain clearly…