love to be loved

Most people feel the desire and need to be loved and valued. Thus, since ancient times people have wanted to know what is necessary to be loved, and that is not so simple. Perhaps the secret lies in one of the most popular phrases about love: “To be loved, you must first love yourself.“.

However, as powerful as this statement is, it could also cause frustration for many people. Sometimes, even in a general way, there are people who tend to put themselves down. There are those who believe that they need others to be happy, also needing the approval of others to feel good about themselves. This, in addition to causing dependence and emotional discomfort, is an erroneous belief about what it means to be loved.

As psychotherapist Albert Ellis once pointed out, love is something more than acceptance. True love is not a state, it is a constant work with oneself and with the person with whom we are creating a vital project.

What society imposes on us

Since we are born, we met with a series of norms or moral obligations that we must follow to adapt to society. An example of this would be the obligation not to annoy, annoy or inconvenience others. Or, we are taught how appropriate it is to please others, to be caring, and to be valued based on what others think of us.

On the other hand, as we grow, Society begins to express a series of demands regarding relationships: “How come you are single? When are you getting married?“. These ideas, in addition to making the recipient responsible and feeling bad, can lead people to start relationships in which they are simply comfortable. In these cases, they do not really feel satisfied, in love and loved, but rather they accept what comes to them without valuing themselves and understanding what their desires are.

Furthermore, not accepting oneself usually leads to being more rigid and inflexible with oneself and with others. Thus, expectations are set that will hardly be met. However, Self-acceptance helps to understand the aspirations and motivations of others, giving rise to a healthier and more lasting love..

Love and respect yourself

Constantly thinking about what people will say is a threat that limits each person’s natural way of acting, both when doing things and when not doing them. Therefore, it is important to learn that You can’t make everyone happy, and before acting you have to know if it is something we really want for ourselves..

It would be ideal if, instead of teaching us to please and worship others, they taught us two other lessons. The first is that We also have the right to be pleased. That is to say, pleasing and offering ourselves to whoever we want is a wonderful feeling. However, we must be aware that in a relationship it is a requirement that it be reciprocal. Being loved does not mean receiving unconditional affection in any form, but just as we give, we must receive, and for this, self-love and knowing what we want is essential.

On the other hand, we should impress upon ourselves that there is something called an individual and it is what we are. Therefore We have the right to live based on our own values, desires and aspirationsand these must be respected.

What does science say?

All of these ideas sound great and, in addition to doing no harm, they help us feel better. But, What does science really know about all this? Does having higher self-esteem make others love us more and better?

A study conducted at the University of Bern reviewed the existing scientific literature on the relationship between self-esteem and quality in romantic relationships. According to their results, Low self-esteem means that the bond you have with the other person is based on insecurity and anxiety, which would lead to poorer quality care and, therefore, affect the satisfaction that the couple feels towards the relationship. Furthermore, people with low self-esteem would tend to unconsciously distance themselves from others to protect themselves from rejection, which leads to lower confidence.

These researchers further state that those who provide support to a partner who has low self-esteem end up feeling that their support is not appreciated. Thus, in the long term, it would generate a feeling of frustration and distance that could end in the dissolution of the couple. Therefore, being loved could depend largely on our self-esteem and the ability to believe and perceive that others care about us.

To love each other

In the end, the best formula is to laugh, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes and accept yourself. Trying to satisfy others without further ado only leads us to leave aside our own knowledge, our values ​​and, ultimately, to leave ourselves aside. The most valuable love we can provide and enjoy is being loved by ourselves.

Recognizing our virtues, desires and needs will not be a magic formula for candidates to appear with whom to share life. However, it will help us understand and appreciate that said person loves us for who we are, without masks, without masks and without hiding parts of our nature.

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