Is your partner sick? how to live with it

coping with illness It is not only difficult for the person who suffers from it, but also for those around them and especially for the couple. Especially if the ailment is long-lasting, an imbalance occurs within the couple who will have to deal with new logistics and a constant fluctuation of emotions that will require frank communication and a good dose of self-knowledge.

Faced with this harsh circumstance:

The roles are transformed. The fear of losing the other, of death, is confronted. The responsibility to care is sustained, which can trigger a painful internal and external struggle full of guilt.

9 things we can do to deal with the situation

Although a priori we all tend to believe that the person who has priority is the patient, the caregiver also suffers, faces an unwanted change, makes an effort and has its limitations. In extreme cases, there are those who are simply unable to sustain the responsibility and fear of death that comes with caring for someone who is sick. And it’s not always for lack of love…

Thus, when faced with the diagnosis of a partner’s illness, in order to cope with the situation, the caregiver must take these nine points into account:

1. It is important to get the necessary logistics

It is basic that the patient is cared for, but in such a way that, if possible, it is not always the couple who performs all the tasks. If there are no financial resources, you can resort to the family or friends network so that the burden does not always fall on the same person.

2. We must be prepared to manage emotions

It is the most important thing in the whole process. The first thing that will appear before the diagnosis is denial as a defense mechanism against reality. This denial will have different forms of expression: some will assure that nothing is going to change, others will feel that love will conquer everything, but this will not be the case if there is not a high degree of commitment or good communication within the couple.

3. You will have to adapt to a variable mood

Feelings throughout the course of the disease will often vary and it is important to normalize negative emotions such as sadness, despair, helplessness, anger, anxiety and guilt. There may also be moments of great intimacy between the couple, of greater closeness and complicity as well as feelings of gratitude for what they have received and satisfaction for feeling useful and discovering abilities that were unknown.

4. It is important to locate the sources of voltage

It is important for both of you to be aware of the situations that generate the most tension: for example, a doctor’s visit, the result of new tests, the arrival of visitors, excessive fatigue, etc. Identifying them will help to better manage the emotions that they generate in the couple and will avoid arguments.

5. It is convenient to avoid self-blaming and blaming

Guilt does not help to make things better and it is important to get rid of it internally and instead of accusing the other, speak from what one feels and would like to ask directly without manipulation.

6. You have to look for new forms of pleasure

For both members of the couple, either jointly or individually, reserve a space for leisure and pleasure and look for what would help to handle the situation more comfortably. If it is possible to go out to dinner together alone, go on trips, share a movie, sunbathe, admire a landscape, find new sources of enjoyment, however simple and straightforward they may be. The question, if you were free if you weren’t sick what would you do would help? to find out what we need.

7. Talking about fear is good

It is also advisable to share within the couple the fears that the situation and the disease arouse: the fear of not knowing how to raise the children alone, the fear of lack of money, the fear of death, the fear of pain… Everything This will make each member of the couple find comfort in the other, feel less alone and form a united team in the face of adversity.

8. Let’s remember to reserve spaces for solitude

Between abandoning and accompanying all the time there is a middle path that is also important to find so that the patient does not feel harassed and the caregiver overwhelmed. Spaces of solitude will give each one time to carry out an individual process that cannot be done as a couple because each one lives a personal situation that represents different things. This will also make it easier for each member of the couple to recover their individuality and their role when the illness is over.

9. We must promote independence

Maintaining autonomy and not fostering dependency is another pillar for a healthy relationship that should also be taken into account in this situation.

It is not worth caring without caring

Although there may be exceptions, the truth is that, in general, the caregiver feels obliged to give without receiving anything in return to the point that in some cases he loses himself. It may also be the case that he makes caring for the meaning of his life, creating an infinite debt for the other, something that according to Hellinger can cause the couple to break up.

In order to give as balanced as possible in such a difficult situation, the caregiver, as far as possible, You must reserve spaces for yourself that allow you to recover your strength and preserve your energy and individuality. This is the difference between caring for someone you love and making caring an identity.

To get it it will be necessary to overcome the feeling of guilt that will lurk throughout the entire process. It will appear when you feel so tired that you may wish that everything would end one way or another in order to let go. It will also arise when the caregiver escapes to escape or do something for pleasure or when he thinks that the situation is overwhelming him, especially if there is the burden of raising the children alone.

This guilt does not help to make things better, quite the contrary. It is a source of added torture to an already complicated situation. Whenever possible, the caregiver should shy away from it and practice a healthy selfishness that will make it easier for them to nurture themselves to deliver. He cannot give who does not have.

It is human for those who care to be invaded by mixed feelings and at times you feel incapable of assuming what is coming, at others you become angry with life or are happy to be useful and even essential. Both the anger with the situation and with the sick person must be normalized because both are going through a process of mourning for a life that was and is no longer.

Thus, it must be taken into account that, especially at the beginning of the disease, you experience a period of denial in which you deny what is happening and anger appears for not being able to do the same thing that was done together.

learn to accept

The capacity for frustration that each person has will make this duel difficult or easy. There are men –and also some women– who will find it particularly difficult to confront the pain of suddenly losing their normality and giving up their ideals and desires due to the illness of another.

In the same way that today’s society invites us to avoid pain and pursue constant happiness, neither does it teach us to face situations that we cannot control, nor does it show us how to resolve the traumas that this situation can confront us with. opening wounds that overflow.

To facilitate the acceptance process It is advisable to ask for help from the environment, from professionals and go to groups of relatives of patients that dare a similar situation and find spaces where the caregiver can express what they are feeling during the accompaniment.

This It will also make it easier for the couple to share emotions more frankly and spontaneously. and make everything more bearable for both of them and, therefore, neither of them feels alone.

If the communication between the couple was good and sincere before the illness this step will be easier than for those couples who no longer had intimacy quality before. And it is that when one of the members gets sick, all the problems of the couple are usually amplified.