Internal dialogue: where does it come from and what is its role?

The conversations we have with ourselves, the internal dialogues, They greatly influence our actions and feelings. They are the result of our experiences in childhood, especially at an early age, which will shape our character.

Depending on the relationship we had with our caregivers (parents, grandparents, teachers) We are forming beliefs about ourselves and about reality. In fact, internal dialogue emerges as a defense and protection mechanism before what we lived in childhood and produced pain. It helped us cope with the injuries and survive to continue to grow in an environment from which we could not escape.

Why does the internal dialogue arise?

The internal dialogue a form of adaptation, since at that moment we could not do anything else. We needed those reference figures. It arises from situations in which the boy or girl has been neglected in their needs, has been alone, mistreated, used, little seen or valued, something that can happen because the circumstances of the caregivers did not allow them to be sufficiently present or also because they reproduce what they learned as children.

For example, if a child’s father dies, he will feel abandoned and, in addition, his mother may not be present either because of the mourning. Or the parents may have to work around the clock to support it. Or that his parents argue constantly and he suffers with it.

In many cases, all these early experiences lead us to develop with some deficiencies that will accompany us in adult life, by not having covered basic needs (being seen, feeling heard, loved, valued and welcomed, among others) in childhood.

They are shortcomings before which we started an internal dialogue to justify what was happening.

When we are children we cannot accept the pain that has been inflicted on us, and to manage it we either blame ourselves for what happens or deny the pain by pretending that we are happy.

In both cases you are not connected to the present experience. As Jorge Bucay says, we put this pain in some barrels that we hide under the water so that nobody sees them and we dedicate most of our energy so that they do not rise to the surface and that they remain hidden. This is how we learned to function without parts of ourselves, to survive in a context in which these facets could not be addressed.

Types of internal dialogues

Internal dialogue is the clearest symptom of our neurosis, which takes different forms depending on the character. There are different types of internal dialogue.

Demand dialogues. In some people, the dialogue is moralistic and demanding, it needs everyone to adhere to certain rules of perfection and, when this is not the case, the reaction is angry and accusatory.critical dialogues. In other people, when something happens, the dialogue always turns against them and, instead of criticizing or distributing responsibilities, they blame themselves for everything, they feel that they are worthless, that they are a disaster, that they do not deserve respect, they mistreat others. themselves, they think they are stupid or that they have an indelible flaw, etc.Dialogues that blame others. There are people who avoid pain in such a way that in their internal dialogue there is always an external person responsible for causing their discomfort. And it is that they are very good and wonderful, but others are not able to see it.Defensive dialogues. There are also those whose dialogue is basically defensive, because the others represent a threat, and thus they attack them while they say they are defending themselves. His dialogue takes the form of “that others do not see me weak, before they hurt me, I do them”.Dialogue conciliators. There are also those who have a dialogue in which they always feel that nothing is wrong, that it does not go with them, and that they seek conciliation all the time without taking themselves into account.

How internal dialogues are reflected in the body

All these types of internal dialogue have their bodily reflection: a defensive position sticking out the chest while walking, so as not to show weakness, or lowering his head and shrinking, when one says that it has no value.

Dialogues create internal emotions that fix the body in a certain position not allowing adaptability or flexibility. That is why we have the same reactions over and over again.

This is what we call neurosis. because this internal dialogue takes away our freedom of action, both internally and externally.

How can we break this dynamic?

This dynamic limits us, wears us down, doesn’t let us express our spontaneity or develop our potential? How could we recover these hidden barrels and not spend so much effort hiding ourselves so as not to enter into our original pain?

To begin with, we should thank these parties for the service they have rendered us in ensuring our survival. This requires a secure environment that allows us to access the painful content that we hid in these barrels. Second, we should realize that, in the current context, we surely no longer need these parts nor the function they fulfilled. We are no longer the unprotected children that we used to be.Integrate that pain within us it is the necessary condition to eliminate the internal dialogue, which we no longer need as a protection. It is about carrying out a union of our denied parts and welcoming them feeling compassion for them and love. Accepting them.

How to reconcile the parts of yourself

Identify the internal dialogue. We are in it when thoughts are intense, repetitive and dead end. When the mind occupies so much space that we cannot contact reality.

The acceptation. After realizing that we are in an internal dialogue, we must accept the situation and realize that we are possessed by it, something that is usually characterized by sensations and emotions such as overwhelm, paralysis, tiredness, anxiety, etc. It is also likely that some low-intensity and known body pain arises. It is convenient to pay attention to him and imagine what he would say if he could talk. Letting it express itself with words or with a movement that comes from the body and not from the mental will free it.Neither victims nor executioners. When our internal dialogue is based on criticism and judgment, on competition instead of compassion, instead of cooperation and respect, as Thich Nhat Hanh explains, these thoughts damage us and de-energize us.The power of trauma. Deep wounds that have not been integrated, whether from childhood or from adulthood, trigger the internal dialogue so intensely and unconsciously that the person loses control. In order to integrate these traumatic memories, it is necessary to identify the traumatic situation that we are reliving in order to differentiate it from the current reality. Later, to integrate this situation from the past, it will help us to be able to express the feelings that we could not express at the time the trauma occurred.Focus attention inside. It’s about being able to focus on what’s going on inside of us and paying attention to physical sensations and, if any thoughts appear, letting them go to refocus attention on the sensations we’re having in this present moment. Simply by focusing on them, they change.Back to the present. When I focus on what I hear, see, smell or taste and I am continually naming what I perceive with my senses, I am totally in the present moment and the internal dialogue disappears.To meditate. Meditation is a tool to silence internal dialogue by focusing on breathing and quieting mental noise. With continued practice we can connect with parts of ourselves that are also in us beyond internal dialogue and connect with our true nature, which is much broader than the identification we have with our mind.